close the book, take my soul
by beyond-the-twilight
Summary: "It's clear now that she has a choice... life or death" Rachel centric; depression/attempted suicide.
1. Rachel

**A/N: I started this story after a really rough time in my life and it was originally supposed to be a one-shot. I figured that about three people would read it, and it was literally just written to get me through some of the stuff that had been happening to me. What was supposed to be a one-shot was published in October 2010, and the response was overwhelming. **

**On the 24****th**** of August 2011, I begun the editing progress, changing those little errors that cropped up due to the story being unbeta'd, and I felt like I had to mention just how much this story has meant to me. My tiny one-shot expanded until it ended in March, 2011, with 16 chapters, over 300 reviews and over 60 personal messages at the end of the story, asking me what I believed had happened next. **

**I just wanted to take a second to thank you guys for being such amazing readers, and to tell you just how much this story meant to me. Thanks for the amazing journey guys! Thanks to everyone who added this story to their favourites list or their story alert list or added me to their author alert or favourite authors list, and an even bigger thank you to those who PM'd me or reviewed. You've been the best readers I could have ever asked for!**

**Thanks, **

**Beyond-the-twilight**

* * *

It doesn't happen often but there are moments when her steps falter. No one notices them because everyone falters from time to time, but for Rachel Berry, it's a big deal. She prides herself on being confident and proud – for believing in herself – because that's what's going to get her out of Lima... her unwavering belief that she can succeed.

But after two years of people putting her down, after two years of being forced to doubt everything she loved about herself (her voice, her clothes, the body she works so hard for... her personality)... after two years of complete emotional torture, it becomes hard to ignore the things that they say.

She starts to believe them.

* * *

It's after Quinn gives birth, after they lose, after Shelby adopts Beth (despite the fact that she didn't want a daughter) that everything hits her. They're supposed to be a team, but she's the only one standing in that auditorium watching Vocal Adrenaline perform, partly because she wanted to see it – needed to see Jesse one last time – and partly because no one thought to invite her to the hospital.

She only found out Quinn was in labour when she went into the dressing room to rally everyone's spirits and the room was empty.

She's the only one that promotes team spirit – the only one who desperately needs this club to be her family, who loves them all with every single part of her – but they still find it so easy to leave her behind without a glance or a note.

It's Finn that hurts the most this time though. He said he loved her, but he still left her behind when she needed someone to hold her hand, just so that he could be around Quinn and the baby girl that wasn't his.

So just for a second, she sits on the couch, and cries. Cries for the fact that Vocal Adrenaline is doing an amazing job out there, cries for the eggs Jesse smashed on her face, cries for the boy that will never love her like she loves him... cries for the team that will never want her the way she wants them.

But only for a second, because she's Rachel Berry and she's nothing if she's not in control.

* * *

It doesn't really hit her until a week later, when finally someone thinks to tell her that Shelby adopted Beth. She knew that someone would adopt the baby, and she knew that Noah would be struggling with it, but she had no idea it'd be Shelby because Shelby had made it very clear she didn't want a daughter.

No, she didn't want _Rachel _as a daughter. That's the difference.

That's what hurts the most really... that Shelby is so desperate for a daughter that she'll adopt the child of two high school students from an opposing choir but despite all that, Rachel still isn't good enough.

* * *

Quinn acts like Beth never existed, dropping all of her baby weight amazingly fast and falling back into step with Santana and Brittany like nothing ever happened. She leaves Noah in the dirt and although no one was ever sure just what was going on between them, she knows that Noah will be struggling.

Her world is changed on the seventh day of the summer holidays when Finn shows up on her doorstep with Noah in tow.

"I figured we could hang with you Rach", Finn says as soon as she opens the door.

He has that puppy dog look in his eyes, and who is she to say no? After all, she has no other plans and there's a part of her that knows not to say no to Finn Hudson.

That's how her summer begins.

* * *

Her summer makes her happier than she's been in a long time. She loves the feel of the sun on her skin and the ice cold slushy in her hand as they hang around the edge of the pool.

She and Finn aren't together, not officially, but he'll hold her hand when Noah's not looking, and when he's feeling especially sweet, he'll open the car door for her.

And Noah... well, he's different than anything she's ever known. He's blatantly sexual, and arrogant, and a bit of a jerk, but when he smiles, his eyes crinkle and light up, and it may just be the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

It's sad really, how happy she is with so little. No one else would be satisfied with just one smile from Noah, and they definitely wouldn't feel incredibly happy for an hour after seeing it. No one else would feel on top of the world if Finn Hudson opened a door for them.

She thinks it comes from having so little most of the time.

* * *

Finn's eyes are looking across the room, and even though she can't bring herself to see what he's staring at, she instinctively knows that it's Quinn.

She feels out of place standing in Quinn's living room, a glass of water in her hand, but the blonde had thrown a Glee catch-up party and Finn and Noah had pestered her until she agreed to attend.

She won't admit it because the boys will assume that they've won, but it feels nice to be included for once. Of course, things don't work out like that.

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?" Quinn hisses when she finally notices that the brunette is at the party. "Only my friends are allowed here"

"It's a glee club party, and I'm part of the glee club"

"Not if I can help it. Everyone here hates you Berry, especially me, so get out before you ruin the rest of our party", the blonde says violently, before turning on her heel and walking towards the kitchen to get another drink.

She obeys – her head held high as she walks out of the house. Her embarrassment soars when she realizes that Finn and Noah are standing side by side laughing, their shoulders almost touching, completely covering the space she usually occupies.

It's like she never existed.

* * *

It's crazy; really, that she thinks going back to school will be different. It's crazy that she thinks Finn and Noah will be her friends like they were all summer, because Noah has a reputation to uphold and Finn has never been the most loyal person in the world.

It still hurts when she walks into McKinley on the first day back and Finn avoids her eyes, choosing to stand with Brittany and Santana.

It hurts even more when Noah walks past and throws a slushy in her face.

* * *

Glee has always been the best part of her life and she never tried to hide the fact that she lived, breathed and loved Glee with every single part of her.

So when she walks into the choir room for their first practice and listens to them announcing that they don't believe she should be their captain anymore, she can't deny the fact that it felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

She looks round at their faces, at Finn, Noah, Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, Tina, Matt, Mike and Mr. Schue – her family.

Finn's avoiding her eyes, Noah has his hand on Santana's back, but both of them look disinterested. Brittany's not paying attention to anything, but Quinn, Kurt and Mercedes have these smug smiles on their faces, like they're pleased to see her in pain.

They may be the only ones showing their pleasure, but the others aren't defending her. Not one of them stands up and says that she's the best captain they've ever had.

In fact, they decide to vote for the new co-captain on the spot, and it's given to Quinn... Quinn and Finn: Co-Captains of Glee.

She can see where this is going.

* * *

It surprises no one when Finn and Quinn get back together. After all, no one can deny the blonde cheerleader anything, even if she lies about the paternity of her baby, and leaves people behind as quickly as the weather changes.

It's ironic that Quinn finally gets the undivided attention of the quarterback, the one thing she's always wanted, when in reality, she's never been so far away from her goal.

He chose Quinn but that doesn't stop him from kissing Rachel when no one can see. That doesn't stop him from leaving marks on her skin when his hands grip at her a little too tightly.

(She'll never say no to Finn Hudson).

* * *

The first time there was a secret in Glee, she was the one that came forward, spilling the true paternity of Quinn's baby without thinking twice. This time, Santana is the one that comes forward.

The look of smug satisfaction on her face assures the rest of the club that Santana was sleeping with Finn just to annoy Quinn, but as soon as the secret is out, Finn decides to come clean with the full truth, admitting that he's slept with Rachel too.

Quinn can't take on one of the other cheerleaders – a former head-cheerleader at that – and live to tell the tale, so she tortures Rachel.

She turns it into a game.

* * *

McKinley High has always loved games.

There's a slushy to the face every morning, outstretched legs every time she walks through the hallways, pornographic pictures drawn on the bathroom walls and hateful messages scrawled across her locker.

There's never been a person hurt this badly without the bruises to prove it.

The Glee club, her _family, _doesn't come to her rescue. Quinn presides over the club with an iron fist, Mr. Schue handing over the reins without a second thought. It isn't long before Quinn's punishing her in Glee club too – her leads are taken away, then her position at the front of the group, then even the back ground harmonies... everything is snatched from her.

She's ordered to stand at the back and sway, and she's just not strong enough to fight back.

Swaying at the back is where she falls for Santana.

* * *

Santana stands at the back too because Quinn hates her for sleeping with Finn. She doesn't care about her punishment though because she's grown to hate Glee with every fibre of her being.

She refuses to sway like she's supposed to and rarely does anything except stare at the back of Brittany's head, which she can just see moving around in her spot in the front row next to Quinn.

"She's my best friend, the only person who truly saw me, and she's back at Quinn's side without a backwards glance", the cheerleader says. "Coach told Britt that if she didn't cut all ties with me then she'd be kicked off the squad. Guess I wasn't worth it"

It's not love or even lust she feels for Santana. Its acceptance and relief that someone else feels this way too... that someone else may be able to help her.

She falls for Santana in a way she's never fallen for anyone else – she falls in love with the idea that they're the same person – that despite being worlds apart, they are going through the same things.

So when Santana kisses her after practice one day, she doesn't hesitate to kiss the Latina back.

* * *

They're barely friends most of the time. Santana is still a cheerleader and Rachel's still a loser and they can't speak during school hours because Rachel's terrified that Santana will pay the price for associating with such a freak.

But after school, and on weekends, they're together all the time. Her steps stop faltering and her confidence grows, and she feels more and more like the Rachel Berry she lost along the way.

Her life has never worked that way though because she's not that lucky, or talented, or beautiful, or _enough _for anyone. Her walls came crashing down around Santana and by the time Brittany comes bouncing back into their lives with a cheerful "Hey S", they're in millions of pieces and she doesn't know how to protect herself.

As the blonde pulls away the only person holding her together, and as that person doesn't even apologize as she's dragged away, Rachel realizes that she isn't strong enough to get through this. She's not strong enough to be alone again.

* * *

She sees Mercedes stealing her clothes from the change room after sport one day and she can't raise enough energy to stalk after the diva and demand her skirt and sweater back. She's left sitting in the change rooms all day in just a towel, waiting for someone to take pity on her and give her some spare clothes.

No one gives her anything, so she has to text her dad's and ask them to bring something when they pick her up, because someone "accidently" took her clothes with them when they left the change rooms.

Her dad's are naive enough to fall for it, and they bring her the clothes before telling her that they'll wait in the car.

As she's walking out of McKinley High, she hears a group of people laughing. She'd completely forgotten they had glee practice today.

"So you burnt her clothes?" a voice that she's come to know as Quinn's asks.

"I burnt them", Kurt laughs, "Mercedes just stole them from the change room. I've got to admit, I've wanted to burn those ugly things for a long, long, long time"

"Stick with me and you can do whatever you want to Rachel Berry", Quinn replies.

* * *

She stops eating regularly, and when she does eat, it's not enough to sustain her, just a few pieces of lettuce and some vegetables. It's not because she doesn't want to eat, it's because she's just not _hungry_.

And while the weight's dropping off of her, and she's desperately trying to rebuild her walls, Noah walks back into her life. She still has enough faith left to believe that he's there because he wants to be, not because Quinn doesn't want him, or because Santana is with Brittany now, in an honest to god, real relationship.

That belief that he might be the one to save her, the one who can help pick up the pieces of her that are scattered everywhere... well, that's what destroys her.

She promised herself (after Santana), that she'd never give so much of herself to someone who wasn't completely hers but Noah's smile is still the most beautiful thing in the world, and his smirk is so enticing that she finds herself handing over tiny pieces of herself – parts of her body, parts of her heart, and parts of her soul.

He never realizes that he has a part of her in his hands, and when Quinn finally decides that she's ready to be with him, he smashes all her hope in a few quick seconds and walks away without a backwards glance. After all, he doesn't have to explain himself. They aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, and they weren't friends before.

She's getting used to watching people turn and walk away from her but it doesn't hurt any less.

* * *

The first time a razor blade catches her eye, she throws up for even contemplating hurting herself. _It's dangerous_ she reminds herself, _and so incredibly stupid_ and she feels like an idiot for even entertaining the idea, but when twelve members of the football team form a circle around her, each with a different coloured slushy in their hand, and douse her with the ice-cold liquid, that razor is the only thing she can think of.

The first cut she ever makes is a shaky, wonky, tiny line, and it disappoints her. She wanted her first cut to be something meaningful: she desperately wants a little star carved into her arm, because if that's there, she'll always remember the Rachel with dreams of stardom.

So partly because she's a perfectionist, and partly because the first cut felt so much like salvation, she picks up the razor and cuts again.

* * *

There have been times before when she's been depressed, times when she felt like she couldn't get up in the morning, but during those times, she had a safety net, something that caught her before the depression took control.

The safety net used to be glee.

But now, she stands in the back, swaying by herself, because Quinn has complete power over this club and the only person she truly hates is Rachel. Santana, the person Rachel thought understood her, is standing behind Quinn, her hand holding Brittany's tightly. And Noah, the person Rachel thought would put her back together again, is standing next to Quinn in the front row.

The rest of the club is fanned out around those four, purposely designed that way to hide the fact that Rachel Berry is standing at the back.

Glee is no longer her safety net.

The razor is.

* * *

It hits her one morning when she tries to get out of bed. She finally recognizes how far she's sunk. There are cuts up and down her arms – some still fresh, some in various stages of scarring. Her body is drastically thin – her clothes are hanging off her frame – and there are huge bags under her eyes.

It should be a warning sign, a giant flashing sign warning her that she's going too far down the road of destruction. Instead, she runs a finger over the cuts, and a rare smile spreads across her face. Everyone thought she was so perfect, so untouchable, so indestructible.

If only they could see her now.

* * *

It's Santana that leaves her vulnerable and Puck that tears her into pieces but Quinn is the one that spreads those pieces so far apart, she'll never be able to put herself together again.

"Puck told me what happened between the two of you", the blonde hisses when she manages to corner Rachel in a bathroom. "I can't believe you were desperate enough to go after a guy who was clearly already in love with someone, but that's you, isn't it Man-Hands? You just have to go after things that belong to me... first Finn, then Santana, then Puck... did you really want them or was it me you wanted all along?"

By the end of that day, everyone in the school knows that Rachel Berry is madly in love with Quinn Fabray, that's she's a raging lesbian who will do anything to have the blonde beauty, including alienating all of Quinn's friends and boyfriends.

That night, there's a hate crime reported in Lima, Ohio, at the residence of a Jackson and Damien Berry. No one notices the tears running down the daughter's face because no one checks on the daughter, shut up in her room as part of her self-prescribed exile, a razor blade ferociously making its way up and down her arm.

* * *

After the hate crime, she honestly tries to get her life back together. Her arm is a mess of scars and cuts, and it shows that this has been going on for too long. It was ok to do it when she was still in control but that night she was out of control. She couldn't stop herself.

She tries incredibly hard. She throws away her razors, and anything else that can be used as a potential weapon. She Rachel-proofs her room.

It lasts a whole week.

* * *

It's a Tuesday when she cracks. It's Finn, and Santana, and Noah, and Quinn, all rolled into one, and it's just too much.

Finn has that smile on his face that she's always loved, the smile that isn't a full smile, and it's slightly crooked and it's _oh so perfect. _For the first time in a long time, that smile is directed at her and she feels her heart grow just a little bigger and she thinks that his smile might be enough to keep her safe this time. The smile isn't directed at her though and he walks straight past her without a backwards glance, his eyes on Quinn – Quinn, the girl who lied to him, who cheated on him, (_who he cheated on_), and who is now dating his (ex?) best-friend.

She thinks that she's survived without Finn for this long and that maybe she can survive just a little bit longer, but that pang in her heart, the one that won't stop hurting, tells a different story. When Santana walks past, her hand in Brittany's, and doesn't even acknowledge her, she realizes that this pain in her heart is never going to go away.

She's not even seventeen years old, and it hurts everywhere. The pain is so intense she doesn't think she'll be able to live through it, and she knows that even if she does, there are going to be horrendous scars that will follow her everywhere. She'll never be able to escape the torture this school has inflicted on her.

And when she sees Noah holding Quinn's hand, with that beautiful smile that still makes her catch her breath, and when she sees Quinn ordering someone to scrawl yet another hateful message across her locker, she knows.

No one would even care if she was gone.

* * *

She's happier that day than she has been in a long time. Now that she knows what she's going to do, she's at peace with it all.

She doesn't care when Santana presses her lips to Brittany's, and she doesn't care when Quinn goes out of her way to push her into a locker. She doesn't even cry when she's locked in the janitor's closet for three periods, because she's done.

After tonight, Rachel Berry won't exist anymore.

* * *

Because there are still parts of the old Rachel Berry in there, parts of the girl who wanted desperately to be on Broadway, to conquer the local choir region, to become the most famous actress/singer of all time, her suicide is planned. Everything is planned, because tonight, she is finally regaining the control she lost so long ago.

She has a playlist that she spent hours creating just for this event. She has French vanilla candles, because candlelight has always been more magical and beautiful than regular, florescent lights. And in the centre of her desk is a pile of envelopes, with names written on them in the calligraphy she spent hours perfecting (_Dad, Daddy, _Finn, Noah, Santana, Quinn, Mercedes, Kurt, Brittany, Tina, Artie, Matt, Mike, Mr. Schue... Shelby...).

When she's sure that everything's perfect (because if she wasn't perfect in life, she has to be perfect in death), she pulls out that little blade that's been her safety net.

She wishes it was something more dramatic, that she'd stand out in her death, and at least achieve part of her dream of being recognized, but instead, she'll join one of the many statistics about teen suicides. Maybe, though, being normal will be the best thing that ever happened to her because being different and unique was what drove her to this point.

She presses play and makes the first cut when the first song starts to play. After so many practices, after so many dress-rehearsals, this is it.

This is Rachel Berry's final performance.

* * *

It crosses her mind after she's made the fifth or sixth cut that maybe she shouldn't be doing this, because no matter how much the kids at school hate her, her father's love her.

But then _"Everyone here hates you Berry, especially me"_ runs through her head, and there's Finn's hand clenching too tight on her wrists, and Santana's kisses which had incredible healing powers, and Santana walking away, and Noah using her until Quinn was ready for him, and Kurt burning her clothes and those horrible, horrible messages (home wrecker, slut, lesbian, transvestite,_ whore). _

It's all too much, and it hurts so bad and it consumes her body and she can't breathe, and why should anyone have to go through this? What did she do to deserve this?

She's losing her grip on the world, but not on that razor, and by the time her fingers finally loosen up, she notices there's a cut for every single person that destroyed her.

Finn (who never loved her, who used her, who turned her into the other woman)...

Noah (who made her believe that she was good enough only to turn his back on her for the former chastity queen)...

Santana (who built her up just to break her back into pieces)...

Brittany (who stole the one good thing in her life, without even knowing what she'd done)...

Mercedes (who should have loved her more than anyone but instead made everyone hate her that much more)...

Kurt (who hated the fact that she had Finn, at least for a little while, and who thrived on the emptiness in her eyes)...

Mr. Schue (who stood back and let the others destroy her so that he could have a stronger club)...

Matt (who had stood there, time and time again, and let the others rip into her)...

Mike (whose eyes begged her to understand why he didn't help, but whose mouth stayed firmly shut)...

Tina (who had stood next to Kurt and Mercedes while their words tore at her heart)...

Artie (who had been everyone's rock, time and time again, but had never made the effort to help her)...

Shelby (who was supposed to love her unconditionally but had turned her back at every possible opportunity, before adopting another girl, a baby girl, because she could love anyone but her biological daughter)...

And Quinn, who had done so much for no reason that it was impossible to even dwell on.

* * *

_Thirteen cuts_, up and down her arm, opening up the old wounds that had only just started to heal, until the cuts stopped feeling like salvation and perfection and more like darkness and relief.

_Thirteen cuts, _is what it took to physically break Rachel Berry, although truthfully, she'd been emotionally broken for such a long time.

_Thirteen cuts, _and she's done. It's over.


	2. Santana

**A/N: Edited on the 25th of August 2011.**

* * *

She never told anyone – not even Brittany – but she hates the colour red. There's something about the red on her cheerio's uniform that makes her feel uncomfortable, and when Brittany paints her nails red she can't hold her girlfriend's hand.

It's completely irrational and she doesn't mention it to anyone because hating a colour is pathetic and she'll get over it one day.

Or she would have gotten over it if she hadn't been the one to find Rachel on her bed, the pale brown sheets turned, no _stained _red.

After seeing that, she's fairly sure she'll always hate the colour red.

* * *

Finding Rachel hadn't been intentional. She wasn't even looking because she'd stopped looking for Rachel after Brittany danced back into her life.

She'd been on the way to her girlfriend's house and for some reason, she turned left instead of right which meant she had to loop back through to the main road via the Berry's street.

And as she had driven past Rachel's house, the flickering lights in the window caught her eye. Sure, Rachel had candles in her room (hundreds of them) but she never, ever lit them.

Candles were for a special occasion.

It was curiosity, really, that made her pull into the Berry's driveway, knock on the front door, climb the stairs and enter Rachel's room.

* * *

The music is the first thing that hits her. Some dude is singing (well, whining) about his darkest desires, about the sweet sting of salvation, of the shiny silver of redemption. It's not the normal crap Rachel listens to.

The second thing that hits her is the red.

It doesn't make sense at first because Rachel's not depressed or suicidal so there must have been a terrible, terrible accident. If there was an accident though, how come her Dad's didn't hear her scream or cry for help?

And then it makes sense.

She did this to herself.

* * *

For a brief second, the red overwhelms her and instead of calling for an ambulance, or screaming for help, or trying to stop the bleeding, she contemplates leaving. After all, that's what she does best. She's done it many times before, and she'll do it many times again.

She's turned to face the door, already planning her escape route, but then she remembers that look Rachel had in their eyes the first time they kissed – the look that says thank you and please don't leave me at the same time – and she knows that she has to stay.

Walking away the first time is what got Rachel into this mess and walking away for a second time is like murder.

* * *

"_I've never been to a hospital San"_. That's all the cheerleader can hear as she hops into the back of the ambulance with Rachel's two hysterical fathers and she can't tell if it's Brittany's voice whispering in her ear or Rachel's, and damn, if that doesn't make her heart ache.

It's weird because she hasn't thought about Rachel for months and now the girl's fathers are staring at her like she's some kind of saviour.

She thinks it might be a good idea to call Brittany.

* * *

She's never liked hospitals. It kind of goes hand in hand with her fear of red but it's probably more likely related to the fact that her mum died when she was eleven. She was the only one who could identify the body because she's an only child and her dad's a raging alcoholic, and after that, even just looking at a hospital caused her to freak out.

She hates waiting rooms as well. She's never been a patient person – as soon as she wants something, she gets it – and now they're expecting her to sit in a hard, cold chair with Rachel's two dads, and wait for some news on the girl she turned her back on.

It's hard to ignore the part of her that's screaming that she's an awful person.

* * *

Brittany shows up and the two cheerleaders hold hands like it's their only lifeline. For Santana, it is. Brittany was never cruel to Rachel, at least not intentionally. She didn't know what she was doing and has no guilt.

But Santana... her insides are filled with guilt. She's been a horrible person for a long, long time, and most of that was taken out on Rachel because she was an easy target. She never defended herself or fought back or tried to change and it was just too _easy. _

The rest of glee piles in and she wants to scream at them because none of them deserve to be here, least of all her.

But she sits quietly, just squeezing Brittany's hand, because Rachel's dad's are sitting next to her and she can't scream and cause a fuss – not now, not while they're losing their only daughter.

* * *

But when Quinn walks in and takes a seat next to Puck, she's had enough. That bitch is the reason Rachel is here. Everyone is to blame for what Rachel's done, but Quinn never showed one ounce of kindness.

"Get the fuck out of here, you've been nothing but a bitch to Rachel and you don't deserve to be here" she screams, not even realizing that she's stood up.

Brittany's hand slowly falls away and she's got this bewildered look on her face, like she doesn't recognize her own girlfriend. She probably doesn't – it's been a long time since bitchy Santana made an appearance.

Puck doesn't make an effort to protect his girlfriend; he just sits there with his head in his hands and Finn's eyes are too red to even see where the blonde is standing, but Quinn has never been one to back down without a fight. She pushes herself off her chair and makes her way over to her until they're eye to eye.

Quinn's mouth moves and her eyes narrow and it's the head bitch in charge competition all over again. She doesn't want to win, not this time. She just wants to go back to when she kissed Rachel and not do it because then she wouldn't be standing here right now. Her mind's done with this competition but her body is tensed for a fight. Her hand flies up and makes contact with the blonde's face, relishing the stinging sound that can be heard throughout the waiting room.

Quinn doesn't hit her back because Rachel's dad (Jackson) is standing up, his eyes flashing dangerously as he orders Quinn to back off.

Santana falls back into her seat and Brittany's hand is hovering awkwardly over hers and she just wants this all to stop. She wants to go back and choose differently.

"_And you do?"_

Quinn's right – she doesn't deserve to be here, not at all.

* * *

There's a poster on the wall and from her spot, only the title is visible. It's mocking her and she knows that as soon as she's allowed to leave, she's going to take that poster with her and tear it to shreds. She might even burn the shreds just to be safe.

_Teen depression and suicide is not a laughing matter. _

Of course it's not a fucking laughing matter. Her... her... well, Rachel Berry, is in one of the hospital rooms and despite how hard the doctors try to revive her, she doesn't know if it's going to work because the patient needs to fight.

Rachel won't be fighting. She's given up.

It's not a laughing matter. It's not a laughing matter at all.

* * *

"Are you the family of Rachel Berry?" a kind nurse asks and Rachel's dad's jump up, their eyes begging for any news. Puck's head snaps up and Santana vaguely recognizes the woman standing in front of them as Puck's mother.

If Glee was the family that Rachel had always longed for, they would have all stood up too. Stood up and announced that they were her family, that they loved her and they needed her to be ok.

But Glee's not the family that Rachel had always longed for. They're a crappy imitation, a cheap forgery at best, and that's not what Rachel needs right now. She needs people to fight for her – she needs people who will stand by her through her worst, and that's definitely not this group of people.

They didn't even stand by her through her best.

* * *

Puck's mum is whispering about the statistics of surviving something like this, informing her dad's that their daughter is lucky to be alive. She may be whispering but they can hear every single word that she's saying because the waiting room is completely silent.

Then she says something about a coma, and that it's up to Rachel to pull through now, and all Santana can think is oh god, this isn't going to end well.

Rachel's dad's are crying too hard to explain what's happening and she's too scared to ask Puck's mum. When Puck walks away from his mum and collapses into his chair with tears in his eyes, she knows that's it isn't good.

She doesn't do scared though. She hasn't been scared since she was eleven years old and her mother was lying on that metal table and her dad didn't come home for three weeks straight.

So she sits there, her hands in her lap, while Brittany stares at the wall, and she devotes five seconds to the panic threatening to fill her body.

... _One, two, three, four, five, _and that's it. She's back in control, and she's not scared to death for that girl in the hospital bed.

She's Santana Lopez, and she doesn't do scared.

* * *

She never really understood why she kissed Rachel that first time. Sure, she'd always been into girls a little bit more than boys, but she'd always been into Brittany a lot more than anyone else.

She never told anyone about her and Rachel, but if she did, she knows she would have said it was because she could; because she needed someone to fill the space that Brittany had temporarily vacated.

Although she didn't know why she kissed Rachel the first time, she had figured it out after the fifth or sixth kiss.

There was a look in Rachel's eyes that was eerily similar to that of an eleven year old Santana Lopez, crying herself to sleep because her mother was dead and her father had forgotten to leave money for dinner.

So she kissed Rachel with her eyes shut, because she couldn't bear to see that look in someone else's eyes, but she kissed Rachel with their hands entwined, because if Rachel was feeling like an eleven year old Santana, she'd need as much as affection as possible.

* * *

She let Brittany drag her away that day because being with Brittany was easier. Brittany would be right beside her at all times, holding her hand to keep her from falling.

If she stayed with Rachel, she'd have to be the strong one. She'd have to have her eyes constantly open, and her arms always ready so that she could catch the brunette when she tumbled.

And even though Santana Lopez doesn't do scared, she does do coward, so she walked away and never looked back.

* * *

"There were notes on Rachel's desk with your names on them. We haven't read them, but if Rachel wanted you to have them, then we're going to give them to you", Damien, the shorter one of Rachel's dad's says softly, shattering the silence.

The notes are handed out one by one and the calligraphy is done all in black and it's so _pretty _on the outside. She knows that on the inside, it's going to be filled with sad words and ugly words and previously unexposed hatred, so she hesitates for a moment before opening it.

It's like Rachel really… perfect on the outside but a twisted, destroyed _mess _on the inside.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a girl who wanted to conquer the world. She believed in fairytales and true love and happy endings.

I don't think you broke that girl Santana. I think she was broken long before you came around, but you didn't help put her back together. I think you just smashed the pieces until they were even smaller.

By the time you came around, she didn't believe in fairytales and true love and happy endings. She believed in fantasies and a different kind of love and not-so-perfect endings.

But when you left – without a backwards glance – she believed in reality. In hatred. In endings that make you scream and cry till you're red in the face.

Did you know that I loved you? Love you? Yeah, definitely love you, because no matter how horrible you are, a little part of my heart keeps begging for you. I didn't love you like I loved Finn, or like I loved Noah.

I loved you with every single part of me, because I believed that despite being so different, we were truly the same. I didn't love you because you weren't a boy, or because you were a girl, or because you were beautiful... I loved you because you were there.

Did you know that when you left me, I didn't even ask myself why? I was so used to being too ugly, too loud, too controlling... I was used to being too much of everything bad and not enough of anything good. I was so used to it that I didn't even question it because you had always seemed too good to be true, just by being there.

So there are two things you didn't know. I loved you and I never had to ask why you left. Silly really, how everything important can be summed up in such a short letter.

It doesn't hurt anymore San... it really doesn't. It stopped hurting as soon as I decided to do this. I'd apologize for not having more answers for you, but frankly, I don't care. I've finally grown a backbone, right before I die.

The last – and only – thing I leave for you is this. If you get to see my body before they take it away and you happen to catch sight of my arms… well, that little wonky scar that's older than all the others was the first cut I ever made. I hated it because it wasn't perfect but if you tilt your head a tiny bit, it looks just like an S.

Kind of ironic, huh?

* * *

She wants to burn the note as soon as she's read it but there's this little splash of water in the corner of the page and for some strange reason, it's fascinating.

She's always hated tears because she was constantly told that they were a sign of weakness. This is different. This small droplet of water may well be Rachel Berry's last tear, preserved along with her words of desperation, pain and anger.

As more and more little splashes form on the page, miraculously not smudging the words, she realizes these aren't Rachel Berry's tears.

She hasn't cried since she was thirteen years old and met Brittany. She didn't cry when her father died in a car accident due to alcohol and she didn't cry when she was granted by law to live without adult supervision. She didn't cry when Quinn got captain over her; she didn't cry when she had sex with Puck for the first time; she didn't cry when Brittany stopped talking to her; she didn't cry when she walked away from Rachel…

She'd like to tell the truth and admit that she's crying because her sort of ex-girlfriend is lying in a coma and will probably never wake up, but she's a liar as well as a coward and she can't force the words out.

When Brittany asks her what's wrong, she shoves the note in her pocket and says that she hates waiting around like this.

It's the biggest lie she's ever told. She'd wait forever if she knew Rachel would survive this.

* * *

Kurt's crying in one corner and Mercedes is holding his hand tightly, her face bearing the signs of tear tracks. Finn's eyes are still red and puffy and he's sitting next to Puck, whose face is buried so tightly in his hands it's a wonder he can breathe. Artie's over by the vending machine, Tina perched on his lap, while Matt is slumped in his chair, trying to ignore the way Mike's legs are kicking him as he tries to get comfortable.

Mr. Schue is standing next to Damien, attempting to reassure him, and it pisses her off because he's such a fake. He could never stand Rachel. He just stood there and let the others torture her (let _her _torture Rachel) and now he's pretending to care.

Brittany's fallen asleep with her head tilted forward and if they weren't in the hospital, it'd be incredibly cute.

Shelby (god knows when she arrived) is sitting by herself as far away from Puck and Quinn as possible, which probably has something to do with baby Beth in her arms.

And Quinn actually has the audacity to have her phone out. It's the old Santana, the one from before Brittany and Rachel, who pulls out her phone and texts the head cheerleader.

_Fucking bitch. _

* * *

She has no idea why Rachel's dads don't throw them out of the waiting room. Don't they realize just how cruel everyone in this room has been to their daughter at one time or another?

Then she realizes it's because Rachel kept everything bottled up inside and that's why they're in this situation.

So, because she tries to never shy away from the truth (tries and fails generally), she stands up and walks over to Mr. and Mr. Berry.

"Hi, I'm Santana Lopez and I was a huge bitch to your daughter. Honestly, I don't deserve to be here and if you want the truth, which I'm sure you don't because no one does, not one member of this club deserves to be here"

And she turns and walks out of the door, because even though she's a coward and a liar, she knows where she belongs and it's definitely not here.

She won't disrespect Rachel anymore.

* * *

Santana Lopez doesn't do scared. Santana Lopez doesn't do tears.

In the parking lot of the hospital, Santana Lopez does terrified. Santana Lopez does huge, heart-wrenching sobs.

Because even though she doesn't deserve to be there and doesn't deserve to feel upset, she does, because she's never been good at observing the boundaries.

* * *

She never told anyone - not even Brittany - but she hates the colour red. She never told anyone but Rachel somehow knew. The first time she ever went to Rachel's house, Rachel threw away a bottle of red nail varnish and then painted her nails blue.

That sums up her life really - she never told anyone anything, but somehow, Rachel knew.

So even though she doesn't deserve Rachel's forgiveness or love and even though she's just stormed out of the hospital after acting like a raging bitch, she's going to stand in this fucking car park until she knows that Rachel's going to be ok.

Because maybe, just maybe, Rachel hates red too.


	3. Brittany

****

I completely forgot my disclaimer. I DO NOT OWN GLEE. There, happy? That just ruined my day (it's been a pretty good day so far). Once again, thank you to the reviews, to Golden-Mist for inspiration and LayLayX for beta-ing for me.

**Without further ado, I give you Brittany. **

**

* * *

**

Everyone knows that Brittany is incredibly stupid. Santana sugar coats it, and calls her ditzy in an affectionate voice that she only ever uses when speaking to Brittany, but it's still a fact. The first thing anyone notices about her is that she isn't the smartest cookie in the jar.

She knows that she's not the smartest cookie either, but she wishes that people would notice other things about her as well – the fact that she can dance extraordinarily well, or the fact that she's worth more than just sex and hook-ups with any guy that wants her.

But she also knows that she needs authority in her life. She doesn't know which decisions are the best ones, and she doesn't know the square root of four, but she does know that she needs authority.

Quinn was her authority for a while; after all, she was the head cheerleader. She told them to jump, and they did (although Santana did it with a little reluctance).

Santana was her authority after Quinn fell from grace. Santana liked sleeping around, so she slept around, and hooked up with as many guys as possible. After all, if Santana did it, it must be right.

Then it was Coach Sylvester, ordering her to be friends with Quinn and to follow Quinn's lead, as well as leave Santana behind, and although she didn't want to leave her best friend, she had to, because Coach Sylvester said so.

And then it was back to Quinn, and Quinn wanted to be incredibly mean to Rachel. Brittany didn't know why because she actually liked (loved) Rachel, but if Quinn said they had to be mean, they'd be mean.

But when she saw Santana with Rachel, she realized that she couldn't lose her best friend or she might just be alone for the rest of high school.

For the first time in her life, she defied authority, and won Santana back (it didn't take much, just a cheerful 'Hey S' and they were friends again).

It felt good, to have Santana back, as well as becoming her own person for the first time in her life. If she had realized what she was doing that day though, she would have left Santana with Rachel, because Rachel needed Santana more.

But she didn't realize, because the first thing anyone needs to know about Brittany is that she's incredibly ditzy and doesn't do well without authority.

* * *

When Santana calls her that night, she knows something's wrong. She may not be a genius but she knows every single inch of Santana, knows what she means by each frown, each tilt of the head... she knows exactly what Santana's hiding just by listening to her voice.

"I'm at the hospital"

She doesn't even need to ask who Santana's there for, because there's only one person who could inflict that tiny quiver in Santana's voice.

It's Rachel.

"I'm on my way".

* * *

She gets to the hospital in ten minutes. She ran the whole way, which is another thing no one ever knew about her – she was a champion long distance runner.

Rachel knew though, because back when they were little kids, before Rachel pulled out of every club to do with sports, they used to run together.

Rachel was the only person Brittany could never beat.

* * *

She holds Santana's hand because that's her job in the relationship. Santana protects Brittany from anyone that might hurt her, and Brittany protects Santana from herself. It's a mess of a relationship but it works for them.

She knows that she's to blame for Rachel. She never did anything but she stood there and didn't stop Quinn. She was supposed to be Rachel's friend – they'd sworn it when they were eight years old, before Santana and high school and Quinn and cheerleading and glee.

She was Rachel's before she belonged to anyone else and she turned her back on the brunette like she meant nothing.

* * *

Santana yells at Quinn and slaps Quinn, and it scares Brittany, because she deserves that too. Will her own girlfriend turn on her because of what she's done to Rachel?

She knows Santana would never hurt her but she can't bring herself to admit to Santana just what happened all those years ago, when one thirteen year old turned her back on her best friend of five years.

Santana may not hit her, but she deserves it.

* * *

When Rachel's dad's hand out the notes, they smile at her as they hand hers over.

"We haven't seen you in years Britt... I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know Ray is your best friend", Damien apologises while Jackson nods.

Their daughter is dying, lying in that room with unspeakable injuries, and they're apologising to her, the girl who left their daughter all those years ago.

It's the kind of people Damien and Jackson are: naive, loving and always looking for the best in people. Just like Rachel.

She wonders if it'll destroy them just like it destroyed Rachel.

* * *

Santana's staring at a poster on the wall, and she doesn't want to look at it. It could be something funny, and she doesn't want to laugh right now, but it could be sad, and she doesn't want to cry right now either. If she starts to cry, she'll never be able to stop, and she needs to be strong right now.

She needs to be strong for Santana, because even though she's not always the smartest girl, she can read people, and she knows that Santana and Rachel were together for a while, and that Santana still has feelings for her.

Most of all, she needs to be strong for Rachel, whose always been forced to be the strong one ("If I fall, will you catch me Ray?" "Course I will Britt, I'll always be here for you).

* * *

A lady comes out and speaks really softly to Mr and Mr Berry, but she catches the word coma. She's already missed her chance of getting in on the conversation – Damien looked at her when the nurse asked for family – and she's really regretting that now.

Santana starts to whimper softly and Brittany knows that her girlfriend doesn't even realize she's doing it.

It must be bad, because Santana always knows what she's doing.

* * *

That day, when she dragged San away, she almost grabbed the wrong hand. It was so familiar, so normal, to reach out for Rachel, and for a brief second, she got confused.

She said "Hey S", but her hand was reaching for Rachel, grabbing for Rachel, needing Rachel – just like when they were eight years old and held each other's hands so they wouldn't have to leave each other.

But then Santana's eyes widened, and she looked so shocked, like she couldn't believe her best friend was coming back for her, and so she dropped her hand at the last minute, grabbing Santana's instead.

Right now, she wonders what would have happened if she had just grabbed Rachel's instead. Maybe they wouldn't be sitting in this waiting room right now, maybe she and San wouldn't be together, maybe she and Rachel would be...

Most importantly, maybe Rachel wouldn't be in that hospital bed.

* * *

There are notes and she really doesn't want hers. If she reads it, she'll have to stop living in the past, with a happy and healthy Rachel, and she'll have to stop dealing in what if's.

But Santana is reading hers, and if Santana is reading hers, then she has to be brave (even though she's terrified) and read her own.

She's never been the brave one. She's always been surrounded by such confident, out-going, courageous people... Quinn, Coach Sylvester, her mum, Santana...

She's never leant how to be the brave one, but now, sitting here, she has to be the brave one because no one can do this for her.

(And once upon a time Rachel was the confident, out-going, courageous one).

* * *

Brittany... did you know that the definition of Britt is an exalted one? Exalted: praised, or honoured. Noble, heavenly, elated, blissful...

If you were noble, why did you leave me? If you were heavenly (just like the angel in my video), why didn't you save me?

I know it's a lot to put on your soldiers Brittany, but you could have done it. If you hadn't walked away from me, if you hadn't thrown away five years of friendship for popularity, I think we'd have been ok. I think you would have been a famous dancer, and I'd have been a famous actress, singer singer and Broadway star.

But now everything's messed up.

I'll never be anything now, except a statistic. I wanted to stand out, to be extraordinary, but my name will be forgotten. Maybe that's for the best.

I would have forgiven you for anything Britt, I hope you know that. I would have been the best friend you ever had, better than Santana and Quinn and all those other cheerleaders.

But I'll never forgive you for leaving, because there's no way a thirteen year old can recover from something like that. I would have understood if we had grown apart, but for you to just stop coming over, to stop calling, to stop acknowledging me as a human being? There's no way to forgive that.

There's no way to forgive you for taking Santana away either. I needed her Brittany; she was all I had, and you took her back like it was your right. And maybe it was, because she was yours first, but I was yours before all of that... couldn't you have done me that one thing? Couldn't you have left me with just one person to call my own?

I suppose that's it Brittany. There's not much else to say to the best friend of five years who left without any hesitation, except why didn't you save me, why wasn't I good enough, and that I can't forgive you.

I've done all of that now, so I'll just leave you with this. The definition of Rachel is "ewe", a female sheep. Sheep are natural followers. I would have followed you anywhere Britt – just thought you should know that.

Bye Brittany.

* * *

She wants to scream and cry and say that it isn't fair for Rachel to put all of this on her shoulders, but she can't say that without lying, and she's always told the truth. She prides herself on never telling a lie.

But what Rachel's said is true, every single word of it, and it's all she's been thinking about ever since she got to this waiting room.

So she doesn't make a fuss, and complain to Santana about the note, because she's Brittany and she never lies.

Broken promises don't count as lies, she tells herself.

* * *

Santana storms out, after saying that none of them deserve to be here, and she knows she should follow her girlfriend, because Santana is the most important person in her life.

But there was a time when Rachel was the most important person in her life, and she still would be if Brittany had given her the time of day.

So she stays, because she realizes now that Rachel should have always been the most important person in her life.

* * *

Mike's spread out across three chairs, and he's just glaring at her, and it hurts so much to see that look in his eyes directed at her. He's the only one that knows that she and Rachel had been best friends because he had taken dance classes with the two of them when they were nine.

There's a look of resentment in his eyes that she's never seen directed at her before, because Mike makes up a part of her. They've been close ever since he taught her how to pop and lock when they were ten years old.

And she can't stand that look of resentment, because she can't have Mike hating her as well. She already hates herself.

* * *

She knows that if she and Rachel had stayed friends, they would have ended up as more, because after letting Rachel in, it's hard to turn her away.

They'd have dated all through high school, moved to New York together, got married and adopted three babies after their career's settled down.

She knew all of that the day she walked away from her best friend, but she did it anyway. Now, sitting here, she can't decide if she wants that future with Rachel more than the future she and Santana have planned (move to LA, become cheerleaders for some fancy football club, and travel the country together).

She's always been more of a settle in one place kind of girl.

* * *

When Santana doesn't come back, or text her, or call her, or e-mail her, or facebook her, or anything, she knows that she has to find her girlfriend.

Santana's probably falling apart right now, and if she doesn't go and help her, she doesn't know if the two of them will ever recover.

For some reason, she can't force herself out of the chair, despite the fact that it's so uncomfortable and it's making her back ache.

She sends Matt after Santana instead.

* * *

Quinn reaches for Puck's hand, and he pulls it away from her, burying his head in his hands again. Finn's fallen asleep on the chair next to Quinn, and she's never looked so alone.

Brittany's never been one for gloating, but a smirk spreads across her face, because she really, really, really hates Quinn Fabray.

She's just never realized how much.

* * *

"I'm not sure if all of you know this yet, but Rachel is in a coma. She's in a stable condition, and we just have to wait for her to wake up now. You can all go home, or go to the cafeteria now; there's no point waiting here", Jackson says reverently, before collapsing into a chair and clasping his hands together. He's praying to whoever will listen.

Quinn is the first one to stand up, and she walks straight out of the hospital and into the car park. Brittany hopes that Santana is still there so that she'll hit Quinn again.

Kurt, Mercedes, Artie and Tina head down to the cafeteria, and Mr. Schue and Shelby walk to the lifts, talking about getting a coffee. It's just Rachel's dads, Puck, Finn, Mike and Brittany left in the waiting room.

This is the group that really cares about Rachel, even though they never show it... well, she and Mike really care about Rachel; Puck and Finn are probably just here because they feel incredibly guilty.

They deserve to feel guilty – they all do.

* * *

She steals a piece of paper from one of the nurses and pulls the pen she keeps in the back of her hair every evening, in case she decides to do homework.

If Rachel can write a suicide note, why can't she write an apology note?

* * *

Ray Ray,

I wish you hadn't tried to make yourself go away. If you had asked me, I would have come running back... I can't blame this on you though; you didn't realize I would have come back.

Once upon a time, an eight year old blonde girl, who didn't smile enough, and laughed weirdly, fell in love with an eight year old brunette girl on a playground once. The brunette was smart and pretty and could sing like an angel, and she was all the blonde girl ever wanted.

I don't know when you stopped being enough for me Ray Ray, but it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I read your note though, and I know you won't forgive me. If I was you, I wouldn't forgive me either. I'm me and I don't forgive me, so why would you forgive me?

I shouldn't have taken myself away from you Ray Ray, because we would have been happy together. We would have gone to New York and got married and had babies, and it would have been magical. But now, you might never wake up, and I have to go to LA with Santana, and cheerlead until I get too old to do it anymore.

I'm sorry for taking Santana away from you as well. That day, I was so close to grabbing your hand instead. I wonder what would have happened if I did that... I think you would have pulled away cos I hurt you so bad, but at least that way you could have kept San.

Please wake-up Ray Ray, because your dad's are here and they love you, and I'm here and I love you, and Santana is here and I think she loves you too.

Once upon a time, two eight year old girls promised to be friends forever, best friends forever. Five years wasn't enough Ray Ray, so please wake-up. We don't have to be friends again but just wake up... please.

Love, Brittany.

* * *

"You hurt her you know, when you picked Santana and cheerleading over your friendship", Mike whispers.

That's when the tears start pouring.

* * *

"_I think we should be friends forever Ray Ray"_

"_Best friends forever, Britt. Nothing can keep us apart"_

_

* * *

_

"I love her"

"It's just taken a near-death experience for you to realize that, huh?" Mike hisses, his eyes narrowing at his friend.

"I'm not exactly the smartest girl Mike", she whispers back, her eyes still flowing with tears.

"That's not an excuse here Brittany"

* * *

"_I'm scared. What if everything changes in high school Ray?"_

"_No matter what changes, I'll be right by your side, holding your hand every single step of the way". _

_

* * *

_

"Do you think she'll ever forgive any of us?"

"I don't know. She shouldn't", Mike sighs.

"Do you think she'll ever forgive me?"

"She shouldn't", he repeats.

* * *

"_God, that Rachel Berry girl is such a dork... I'm Santana by the way. We're on the cheerio's together". _

"_I'm Brittany... her sweater is gross"_

"_We're going to be great friends"_

_

* * *

_

"Why don't you like me anymore Mike? Have I hurt you?"

"The girl who taught me how to dance, who encouraged me to dance outside of my bedroom, who gave me voice lessons... the girl who I spent five years sharing with you... the girl I allowed to be tortured... well, that girl is lying in a hospital bed because she tried to kill herself. So, you have hurt me, because you've hurt her, and I can't look at you right now"

* * *

"_Britt, I haven't seen you in a week. Where have you been?"_

"_Is that Rachel Berry girl trying to talk to you? Does she not realize that she's not popular and we are? Does she not realize that no one messes with Santana Lopez and her friends?"_

"_I have no idea who she is..."_

_

* * *

_

The first thing anyone notices about Brittany is that she's incredibly stupid. Santana sugar coats it, and calls her ditzy in an affectionate voice that she only ever uses when speaking to Brittany, but it's still a fact.

Rachel never called her dumb, or stupid, or "ditzy". She helped her with her reading, and made her flash cards to help her learn the spelling list's each teacher gave them.

She knows that she's not the smartest cookie either, but she wishes that people would notice other things about her as well.

She can dance extraordinarily well, because she took dance classes with Rachel Berry and Michael Chang for five years. She's worth more than just sex and hook-ups with any guy that wants her, because she's always been more into girls with dark hair, secretive eyes and a smile or smirk that just invites you (Rachel, Santana, _Rachel)_

Despite this, she knows that she needs authority in her life. She doesn't know which decisions are the best ones, and she doesn't know the square root of four, but she does know that she needs authority.

She also knows that Quinn was a bad person to follow. She manipulated them, lied to her boyfriend, gave Puck's daughter away, and insisted on hurting Rachel.

She knows now that Santana was a bad person to follow. Santana liked sleeping around, because there was always a small part of her that needed to be filled, but Brittany didn't like it. She just wanted someone to love her.

Coach Sylvester was a bad leader, because she got involved where she didn't belong and because of what she ordered, Santana and Rachel both got hurt.

* * *

When Santana called that night, she knew something was wrong. She may not be a genius but she knows every single inch of Santana, knows what she means by each frown, each tilt of the head... she knows exactly what Santana's hiding just by listening to her voice.

"I'm at the hospital"

She doesn't even need to ask who Santana's there for, because there's only one person who could inflict that tiny quiver in Santana's voice.

It's Rachel.

"I'm on my way"

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a little blonde girl with legs too long for her body and eyes that didn't sparkle, because she rarely laughed. There was a little brunette girl with short legs, and eyes that sparkled like the stars, because there was always a smile on her face.

"_I'm Rachel and I think we're going to be great friends"_

"_I'm Brittany, and you have pretty eyes"_

"_I think you'll change everything about me"_

_

* * *

_

**Please review, and in your review, tell me whose chapter you'd like next. There will be chapters from Rachel's POV, Santana's, Brittany's, Mike's, Matt's, Quinn's, Puck's, Finn's, Kurt's, Tina's, Artie's, Mercedes, Shelby's and Mr. Schues, and with the exception of Rachel (who will be last) and Santana and Brittany (who've already had their first - and maybe only - chapter), you can choose anyones. **


	4. Mike

**A/N: And here's Mike. I'll see you guys at the bottom for the proper A/N.**

* * *

He lives right behind the Berry's – it's how he got to the hospital so fast. He heard the sirens and Rachel's dad's crying and something that sounded vaguely like Santana screaming.

The first thing he does is panic, because some serious shit must be going down next door.

He doesn't even think that Rachel's dying. He doesn't even think about Rachel, not really (it's taken years, but he's finally programmed himself to stop thinking about Rachel as soon as anything happens), but he does panic.

He assumes there's a burglar next door, and he's terrified for his little sister, because he can't remember if he locked the front door... what if the guy is in his garden?

But then Santana starts screaming louder, and this time he knows its Santana because he can hear her voice over the sirens.

"Please Rach, don't do this. Don't you give up on me". And while she's screaming, he can hear that little choked up sound people get in their voices when they're near tears, and he just knows.

This is going to be bad.

He doesn't even think after that. He just runs down the stairs, takes his mum's keys and "borrows" her car, driving straight to the hospital.

It doesn't occur to him to drive to the Berry's house because if it's as bad as he thinks it is, he won't be able to cope.

* * *

He's the first in the waiting room and it's so quiet he can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall. It drives him insane, the repetitive sound that just keeps coming, because he's grown used to the sound of mayhem at McKinley High, and he doesn't like routine (hasn't since he was thirteen years old and Brittany said they couldn't be friends with Rachel anymore).

He still remembers when he was eight years old, and he collected all of his pocket money. He'd been saving for almost a year – birthday money, Christmas money, Easter money and money from doing all those jobs around the house that no one else wanted to do.

He saved all the money and walked to the only dance school in Lima, because he'd seen a brief snippet of a Michael Jackson video on TV, just a recap on some television network as they counted down the best video clips ever made.

He wanted to dance just like Michael Jackson, so he saved all of his money, and went to enrol in dance classes, so he could grow up and be a dancer.

But life doesn't work like that. Not enough boys in Lima wanted to do dance classes, so there were no classes for eight year old boys. There weren't dance classes until they needed boys to join the ballet class, as partners for the girls, and that wouldn't be for at least five years.

The lady said sorry after she explained it, but it didn't stop him from feeling like an idiot with all that money clenched in his hand.

"Michael Chang, is that you?" a voice called from behind him, and he spun around to see Rachel Berry standing next to him, her pinkie finger entwined with Brittany's, her best friend of a few months.

He just nodded before turning and walking out of the dance studio without another word.

(It took a week for Rachel to find him and apologise for "the complete and utter rudeness displayed by the dance academy by not allowing you to enrol in our classes". It took another twenty minutes for her to explain that she had talked her daddies into enrolling all three of them into an academy about an hour away and that she'd take them to dance lessons twice a week).

She kept her word about the dance classes. Her dad's drove them to those dance classes twice a week for five years, despite the fact that they were over an hour away.

That's Rachel in a nutshell really – the girl who will never break a promise to anyone, even if they don't deserve it.

* * *

Santana eventually stumbles into the waiting room, and there's blood on her jeans and her hands, and tears in her eyes.

"Mike, what are you doing here?" she asks as she collapses into a chair next to him. "I haven't called anyone yet"

"I live behind Rachel – I heard the sirens. What happened?"

"She tried to kill herself", the former head-cheerleader whispers before she curls up into herself – her arms wrapped tightly around her knees as her head falls forward and rests on her arms.

"I think you should call Brittany", he whispers back.

* * *

Brittany shows up, and the rest of glee eventually walks through the doors as well. He wants to tell them to leave, that they don't deserve to show their faces here – not now, after what's happened – but when Matt sits down next to him, he realizes that he needs the support they're offering.

Puck looks like he's about to fall apart, and Finn looks like he's already fallen apart, and Brittany's sitting there with this blank look on her face while she's holding Santana's hand, and he just _hate's_her.

It's not all her fault, he knows that (well, he knows he should know it) but a large part of it, the part of not having any friends, and no one to turn to or talk to... well that part, that's on Brittany.

The part of him that's always known better whispers that it's on him as well.

* * *

He was fourteen the first time Puck came over, and the mohawked boy spent most of his time staring out the bathroom window.

He desperately wants to know why but he doesn't dare to ask, because just hanging around Puck increases your coolness by ten, and he doesn't want to jeopardise that (Puck may only be fourteen but he's already volatile).

It's not until a week later when he finds out what Puck was staring at.

His bathroom window offers a perfect view of Rachel's bedroom, and when she has her light on, he can see straight in. And she's still innocent enough to not shut her blinds, and he's already too much like Puck to not stare, so that's how he spends his evenings.

(He never tells Puck that he lives behind Rachel, and Puck never mentions that he knows who he stared at. He kind of likes having a part of Rachel that belongs to just _him_).

* * *

Santana's screaming at Quinn, and Brittany's eyes are all wide when Santana's hand comes in contact with Quinn's face.

He's never been a cruel person (he was there for the dumpster dives and porter-potty tips, but he never actively participated) but he likes seeing the red hand print on Quinn's cheek. It ruins the perfection everyone always saw.

He loves the look in Brittany's eyes as well, the one that's looking all guilty, and scared, like she's worried Santana's going to find out what she's done and hit her too.

He knows Santana would never hit Britt, but he finds himself wishing that she'd forget that principle, just once, because Brittany deserves it and he can't hit her himself.

(He never saw the beauty everyone else saw in Quinn).

* * *

There's a note with his name on it, and its Rachel's writing. He doesn't know what he expected but it definitely wasn't this. He never thought that Rachel would be in here because of something she had done to herself – when he heard the siren's, and drove to the hospital, he thought there had been a terrible accident.

He realizes that even if he had been expecting Rachel to harm herself, he never would have expected a note, because he hurt her just as much as everyone else.

But she promised him, once upon a time, that she'd never leave without saying goodbye.

He already knows that Rachel keeps her promises.

* * *

Michael,

I believe that when you are born, your life is already mapped out. There is already a plan for you, and with each step you make, your just following what has already been seen.

I wonder why I was given this path. I wonder why you were given yours, and Brittany was given hers. I wonder why, before I was even born, someone hated me so much that they planned for all my friends leaving me. Did I ever do anything that horrifying?

I guess it doesn't matter now, because I've followed my path, and it's led me here. I don't feel lonely anymore Michael, so I guess that counts for something.

I never used to be lonely, not when I was eight and I had two best friends who I got to dance with twice a week. Not when I was nine, and you taught me how to play Frisbee. Not when I was ten, and Daddy let me have a sleepover for my birthday. Not when I was eleven, and you held my hand whenever we went to see a movie. Not when I was twelve, and Brittany was my first kiss.

I was lonely when I was thirteen though, because Brittany decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore, didn't want to be my friend – decided I wasn't worth it. I was lonely when you watched your "friends" throwing slushies on me. I was lonely then, when your eyes begged me to understand why you weren't helping.

I never understood.

God, you must think I'm a mess, because I loved too deeply, and too much and too often for such a young person. I loved Brittany, and Finn and Noah and Santana and you, and you were all so different, yet you were all so similar.

I didn't love just boys, or just girls, and I didn't love both equally. I fell in love with anyone who would stay with me, who would hold my hand or smile at me in that special way that makes your insides feel all fluttery.

Maybe I am a mess Michael. Maybe I've got too many scars inside of me, scars showing just what I've been through. But now it's ok, because I have those same scars on the outside, and you'll all see – all of you – and you'll all know just what you put me through for all these years.

You aren't innocent in this. In fact, I think you're the worst. Finn hurt me because he was never really mine; Noah hurt me because he always loved Quinn a little more; Santana hurt me because she always loved Brittany a little more; Brittany hurt me because she thought popularity was worth more than anything; Quinn...

Well, you're the second worst. No one can beat Quinn. Maybe you're all the second worst, because although no one can beat Quinn, you all came pretty close.

You may think you're innocent in this Michael, but there is no innocent way of standing there quietly while someone is tortured.

I really wish I could go back and not speak to you in the dance studio. I wish I could let go of Brittany's hand and walk out of the studio with my head held high, tell my dad's that I wanted to move, and leave Ohio forever.

We both know that even if I got a second chance, I wouldn't do that though. I'm too forgiving – I constantly try to see the best in people.

If I get through this, although I highly doubt I will, I know that will no longer be a problem. I no longer see the best in you Michael.

You're still the scared little boy you were all those years ago, the boy who wanted things so badly but didn't dare to raise his voice to get them. All those years ago, you wanted dancing. In high school, you wanted me and your popularity, but you didn't dare to make a fuss.

If you had made a fuss, you would have gotten both.

I made a promise to you: that I'd never leave without saying goodbye. I've fulfilled that promise – I owe you nothing anymore.

Goodbye Michael.

* * *

The note burns his hand, and he just wants to throw it away, to get those horrible, cruel words as far away from him as possible.

He can't though because Matt's sitting next to him, breathing heavily, and Santana's staring at her note like it's the strangest thing she's ever seen and Brittany looks like she wants to die.

Those notes, no matter how cruel and heart wrenching (and honest), are all they have left. Those notes are the only link between them and the girl dying in the hospital bed.

Santana's gets brave, and tells Mr. and Mr. Berry that none of them deserve to be there, and he really, really, really wants to be brave too. He wants to tell her dad's that whenever he danced, he thought of Rachel, and whenever he went to sleep, he thought of a fourteen year old falling in love with the girl that lived behind him.

But he can't tell Rachel's dad's that because it's just not true.

He thought of her when they were eight, nine, ten, eleven, and twelve... he thought of her whenever her bedroom light flicked on, he thought of her whenever a fourteen year old Puck made a dirty joke... but he never thought of her when he danced, because he just couldn't have the best thing in his life connected to the girl who he watched get destroyed.

How's he supposed to explain that to her father's?

(The part with the fourteen year old falling in love with the girl that lived behind him? That's true. He loved her as much as it's possible for one fourteen year old to love another fourteen year old).

* * *

The first girl he ever slept with was Santana. He was sixteen years old, and Puck had already had sex with her when he was fourteen, and whenever else he wanted to.

It was the week Puck and Rachel linked arms and walked through McKinley High together – the week where he chose Glee over football.

It was strange, and surreal, and he wasn't too sure if he liked it (he'd really only done it to get back at Puck). For the whole time, he had thought about a girl with eyes that sparkled just a little (lot) brighter, and a girl who made the stars seem so much closer.

And when he walked into the choir room that day, Brittany was the one that hugged him, while Santana hugged Matt.

That's when he felt like a jerk – he could feel Rachel's eyes on him, and Brittany's arms around him but he could see that silly little smile Matt was wearing as he hugged Santana.

He'd just slept with the girl his best friend was keen on, and he felt like crap. When he saw Puck walk in the room and hug Rachel, he just wanted to punch him in the face.

Puck had always brought out the worst in him.

* * *

Brittany sends Matt after Santana and he wonders if she realizes how incredibly stupid that was. Matt's always been a little in love with Santana, and Santana has always been easily persuaded, and if she's upset, there's a high chance something's going to go down between Matt and San.

Brittany doesn't look concerned though. As soon as Matt's gone, she tears her eyes away from the doors leading to the car park and she just stares at him.

There's always been a part of him that has Brittany all over it – the part that laughs whenever he sees a cartoon on TV, and the part that always rents animated movies at the video stores because they're Brittany's favourites – and right now, he wants that part to just leave.

He hates himself, and he hates Brittany and all that hate is combining, and he's just about ready to explode.

* * *

Finn's eyes are practically raw, and Puck's head is buried in his hands. Quinn looks like an idiot, sitting all prim and proper in a place she clearly doesn't belong, and he really wants someone to tell her to fuck off.

She gets the message because as soon as Rachel's dad's say they can get something to eat or go home, she's out of her seat and practically running to the car park.

Everyone's gone, leaving for food or coffee or just a bathroom break, everyone except Brittany, Puck, Finn and Rachel's dad's.

He decides to stay too.

* * *

Brittany's writing a note and he wants to tell her that it's a stupid idea but he can't because the part of him that belongs to Brittany wants to write a note too.

The part of him that Puck influences is telling him to man up and tell Brittany she's being a idiot and that Rachel will probably never read the note anyway.

He needs a deciding vote. One part of him wants to help Brittany, one part wants him to shatter Brittany's hope... he needs a decider.

"_There's no such thing as too much hope and there's no such thing as a wrong belief Michael. Brittany... she just believes in a way no one else does. You believe in dancing, I believe in music... she believes in rainbows and unicorns and fairies and miracles... who says that we're right and she's wrong? Maybe she's right..."_

And there it is: a speech Rachel gave him when they were twelve years old and he teased Brittany because she said that unicorns would be the ultimate pet.

And Rachel had said that there was no such thing as too much hope, and there's no such thing as a wrong belief.

So he lets Brittany write her note, because god knows, they need hope right now. All of them do.

* * *

"You hurt her you know, when you picked Santana and cheerleading over your friendship", he whispers, because even though Brittany can write a note, she can't deny what she's done.

That's when the tears start pouring. She hasn't cried all night (not that he's seen anyway) because she's trying to be strong, but she's sobbing now.

He's crying too.

* * *

"_I believe with your talent Michael, you will be able to conquer the dancing world. Your dancing... there are not enough wonderful things in the world, and your dancing will make people happy. You will change the world"_

"_I'll dance if you sing Rach"_

"_Deal"_

_

* * *

_

He rips into Brittany, again and again, even though she says that she loves Rach, and when she's looking to him for answers, he says that Rachel shouldn't forgive her.

He wonders when he became such a bad person.

* * *

"_Yo Chang, we're going to throw eggs and pee balloons at the gay dude's house tonight. You in?"_

"_You mean Kurt?"_

"_No, we're going to hit up the Berry's, but thanks for the idea. We'll probably hit up Kurt's place too... so, you in?" _

"_I can't, I'm busy tonight. Sorry Puck"_

"_Chang, your no fun"_

"_I can buy the eggs and help fill the pee balloons if you want"_

_

* * *

_

Brittany wants to know why he doesn't like her and he doesn't know how to say that he hates her because he hates himself. It makes no sense.

He makes a speech about Rachel, and as he talks, he realizes that every word that's falling out of his mouth is the truth.

She's the girl who taught him how to dance, who encouraged him when no one else would, who gave him singing lessons once a week... he's the girl he shared with Brittany... she's the girl he let down in every possible way.

He can't look at Brittany right now, because all he can see is two eight year olds holding hands in a dance studio as they let an eight year old boy into their hearts.

* * *

It's the first day of the new school year and he already knows that this year isn't going to be much better, because he can't change now – his high school destiny is set in stone.

He walks past the choir room, and he stops, just for a minute, to listen to the singing of an angel.

"_I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone I knew was waiting on cue, to turn and run when all I needed was the truth, where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. but that's how it's got to be, it's coming down to nothing more than apathy, I'd rather run the other way than stay and see, the smoke and who's still standing when it clears, uncertainty is killing me, maybe I've gone far too deep, maybe I'm just far too weak, I'm drowning in my sorrow, thinking of you and how much I can't stand to be alone"_

It's that complicated mash-up she used to sing when he wanted to practice his interpretive dance, and it makes his heart stop beating, just for a second.

He's reminded of everything that could have been, and everything that has happened, but it's too late because he chose his path.

* * *

"It's not just your fault Brittany. We all chose the wrong path", he whispers to the blonde before standing up and walking out of the hospital.

He walks and walks, leaving his mum's car sitting in the overnight parking (he'll come back for it later), and he eventually gets to the dance studio where he first saw Rachel and Brittany, and the future he (they) could have had.

He walks round the back and sits on the swings that have always been there so that the kids can relax after class, and he cries.

Because Rachel Berry will never wake up.

* * *

"_I've always loved the swings. I just feel so free Michael"_

"_If I have anything to do with it, you'll always be free. You're too pretty to be kept in a cage"_

"_Thank you Michael. Lima is my cage for now, but one day, I'll be free to conquer New York"_

(I'll be in the front row of every show; I'll buy you red roses and white lilies; I'll be you diary-free yoghurt; I'll be everything you ever wanted... it all goes unsaid).

* * *

It was the last conversation he and Rachel ever had, and he wishes he had just said one of those things, had said something beautiful and poetic, something that would cement _them_, make them a permanent thing.

But he didn't, and now he's left wishing that he could just go back.

Because Rachel Berry will never wake up.

* * *

**A/N: I've done this at the bottom this time, just to vary it up a little bit. There was Mike's POV, and I hope you guys liked it. I found it really hard to write. Thanks to LayLayX for beta-ing, Golden-Mist for inspiration and the eighteen reviewers from chapter three, who literally made me feel like I was on top of the world. **

**The mash-up is three different songs by The Fray, and one by Toxic Machine Guns. And the bit where Mike says "Rachel Berry will never wake up" doesn't necessarily mean she's dead. Mike's just completely given up, and he hasn't stayed to see if Rachel wakes up... all he knows is that she's in a coma. **

**Who would you like me to write next ?**


	5. Quinn

**So, here's chapter 5. It was a close vote deciding between POV's, but at one stage, Quinn was winning, so I started to write from her perspective. A huge thanks to every single reviewer, because your reviews make my day. Thanks to the people who constantly review, and welcome to new readers. **

**More thanks go to Golden-Mist (whose story is amazing, and I can't wait for another update) and LayLayX (for beta-ing this for me so quickly). **

**Also, I'm thinking of writing a story called: The Secrets They Keep, which will feature a chapter from every Glee club member (Rachel, Puck, Brittany, Santana, Finn, Quinn, Mercedes, Kurt, Artie, Tina, Mike, Matt). The chapters will consist of 15-20 things no one knows about them. If anyone would be interested in beta-ing this story, please let me know. This way I can keep sending chapters of close the book, take my soul to LayLayX and chapters of The Secrets They Keep to a new beta...**

* * *

Quinn Fabray hates competition. It's the one constant throughout her life, the one thing that never changed.

It's why she spread that rumour about Brittany and Santana during her first year of high school. Coach Sylvester was looking for a captain and her eyes were on Santana. The only thing Coach hated more that Will Schuster's hair (she had spent half an hour complaining about it when they were on the bus to nationals) was in-squad relationships, so as soon as the rumours made its way to the cheerleading coach, Santana had fallen from grace.

It's why she decided to become "best friends forever" with Santana and Brittany... keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and all that jazz.

Competition: the story of her life.

It's why she ordered that first slushy to be thrown on Rachel Berry. She had stumbled across the auditorium and Rachel was dancing – dancing like she enjoyed it, dancing like she'd never be happy again if she couldn't dance.

And she was so skinny, and good at what she was doing. Not Quinn good, or Santana good, or even Brittany good (Brittany who would be captain if she wasn't so incredibly ditzy), but better than all three of them combined.

She finished the routine by lifting her leg up to her ear and then sinking perfectly into the splits, something that Brittany had only half-perfected.

This girl was competition. If she ever tried out for the Cheerio's, she'd be captain before Coach Sylvester had even bothered to demote Quinn, and that just wasn't acceptable.

So the slushy was thrown, and the war began, because if this girl was broken then she couldn't take Quinn's spotlight.

Quinn Fabray would not let herself be forgotten.

* * *

No one called her when Rachel got admitted to the hospital, not that she can blame them. If it was up to her, she wouldn't have informed her of Rachel's demise either.

What happened was this: Puck got a phone call when they were lying on the couch together, and Brittany's name flashed across the screen. She flipped out and told him that if he answered the phone, they were going to break up, because other girls should not be calling him.

He answered anyway, went deathly pale, hung-up, threw on his jacket and pulled on his boots before running out of the door without a word.

So, naturally, she followed him.

* * *

Sleeping with Puck was a mistake. Cheating on Finn was a mistake. Getting pregnant was a huge mistake. Lying to Finn about the paternity of the baby? She will never count that as a mistake. In fact, if she had to do it all again, she'd do the same thing.

Sure, she wishes that Finn didn't get hurt, and that Puck wasn't moaning about his hurt feelings all the time, but she knew what she wanted and this was the only way to get it.

Plus, telling Finn meant losing her boyfriend, and probably both of her "best friends" too, because Santana had been dating Puck at the time Quinn had had sex with him, and if Santana found out, both she and Brittany would no longer talk to her.

So really, lying to Finn seemed the best way to go and in the long run, it was.

She has Puck as a boyfriend, Finn hanging off her every word, she has Santana and Brittany practically worshipping her, she's head cheerleader again... and Rachel Berry was no longer on anyone's radar.

* * *

When Puck's car pulls into the hospital car park, she's worried. She knows his mum works at the hospital because she came home in her nurses uniform while they were watching TV (they don't talk much), and even though she's supposed to be mad at him for answering the phone, she still cares.

He's been an okay boyfriend to her – not as good as Finn who did everything she said without questioning it, and was so well trained he didn't have to be told that he was being out of line – and he probably needs her right now.

So she walks into that hospital with her head held high because her boyfriend needs her, and she's always been good at playing her part.

It's not his mum in the hospital. It's Rachel Berry. Rachel freaking Berry, the one person who somehow manages to get back up after every single attack. Why hasn't she just given up and left town?

When she finds out that Rachel has tried to kill herself, and she would have succeeded if Santana hadn't arrived when she did, she wants to hit Santana.

You see, a world without Rachel Berry is her idea of heaven, but as she scans the room, her eyes settling on all the broken faces, she realizes that this is their idea of hell.

* * *

When she hears Finn has been mooning over some girl in this stupid singing and dancing club he's joined, she's pissed off.

She knows he isn't the smartest boy she could have, but she never thought he was stupid enough to believe that she won't find out about his wandering eye (doesn't he know that McKinley High belongs to Quinn Fabray?).

So she joins the club, and when she sees the girl he's singing with, and dancing with, her heart stops beating for just a second, because it's _her. _

The girl that can dance like an angel, who could take everything away from Quinn before she even realized what was happening.

Couldn't Finn have chosen some other girl to moon over? Some girl that wasn't the worst part of Quinn's life because she simply existed?

Obviously, her first attempt at destroying Rachel Berry didn't work, so she'd have to try again, and again, until she couldn't get up, and finally got the message that no one messed with Quinn Fabray.

* * *

They all look distraught – like they lived, breathed, loved and _adored _Rachel Berry. Do they not remember what they did to her, what they allowed to happen?

Does Santana not remember that she turned her back on Rachel, does Brittany not remember moving on to bigger and better things at the age of thirteen? Does Mike not remember the times he stood there and allowed Berry to be destroyed? Does Finn not remember that he chose _her _over Rachel every single time? Does Puck not remember that he never even made a choice because Rachel just wasn't an option?

How is it that she comes out of this as a bitch while the rest of them can play the heartbroken card so well?

* * *

She remembers Beth as she's sitting in the waiting room. She doesn't want to be here, not at all, because she can tell that everyone is a mess, and that they need someone to blame. She knows that that someone is her and there's nothing she can do about it.

But she stays in her chair, thinking of Beth, and she wonders why she hadn't thought of it before. She was so eager to get rid of her child (even after all this time, she doesn't think of Puck as the father – in her head, it's always Finn) that she let Shelby adopt her.

Shelby – Rachel Berry's mother.

For someone that hated the girl so much, she sure finds weird and obscure ways to connect to the brunette.

What's even worse is that her daughter, her pure, perfect daughter who deserves so much, is related to Rachel Berry.

And even though Rachel's dying (she may already be dead for all Quinn knows) she can't force herself to feel bad for thinking that.

* * *

The summer after Beth was perfect really. It was how she always wanted to spend a summer. Her mum let her move back home, and although her dad wasn't there, it felt nice.

She lost all of her baby weight, and spent her time with her mum or Santana and Brittany (who were now a package deal – you couldn't get one without the other).

She didn't feel guilty for leaving Puck behind because this huge; heart wrenching _mess _was all his fault and she just didn't feel like looking at him anymore.

And because she was Quinn Fabray, the blonde, perfect, ex-head cheerleader, who had somehow managed to regain everything she had lost, no one questioned it.

* * *

"Get the fuck out of here, you've been nothing but a bitch to Rachel and you don't deserve to be here", Santana screams as soon as she realizes that Quinn's there.

Quinn's so used to having people defend her that she hesitates before standing up and walking over to Santana, expecting either Puck or Finn to rush to her defence.

Neither of them help her this time, but that doesn't stop her from kicking Santana while she's down.

"And you do?"

She hears the slap before she feels it, and it doesn't hurt, because she's numb. Honestly, she's been numb for a long time. The only thing she's felt over the last year and a half is hatred and sometimes, she's so far out of it, she doesn't even feel that.

One of Rachel's dad's orders her to back off, and she wonders why they're taking Santana's side. They've all been horrible to Rachel, so why are they taking sides? How do they know that she's been such a bitch to Rachel?

Then she remembers that Rachel's dads probably know Santana, because for a few months, Santana spent every waking moment with Rachel.

And then she realizes that everyone in Lima knows that she's been a bitch to Rachel Berry. It's common knowledge, it's one of those facts that absolutely everyone knows.

Noah Puckerman will become a Lima Loser just like his dad...

Finn Hudson will work at Sheets 'n' things for the rest of his life because he's too dumb to go anywhere else...

Santana Lopez will fuck up everything in her life, because she never knows a good thing until it's gone...

Brittany Pierce's dancing skills will never amount to more than working at a cheap strip joint...

Rachel Berry will get out of Lima and make something of herself...

It's ironic that the one person who had a hope of making it out of Lima is lying in that hospital bed now. It's funny how the most believed truth has turned out to be so far from accurate.

...Quinn Fabray will alienate everyone in her life because she's a manipulative bitch who doesn't know when to stop messing around with other people's lives.

(Looks like her truth has come true).

* * *

"Are you the family of Rachel Berry?" Puck's mum asks, and everyone just stares at her. Rachel's dad's stare at Brittany and Brittany stares at the floor.

Quinn waits for one of them to answer, but once again, they're too cowardly to stand up and fight for Rachel.

("We could be her family, if we tried"; "Glee is a family"; "We love Rachel like a sister")

* * *

Rachel's in a coma. Rachel's in a _coma. Rachel's _in a coma.

She wishes Rachel would just die already.

* * *

There's a party before they go back to school. She has it at her house, and it's just the glee kids there. She wanted to start fresh, to repair friendships that she neglected and to forge friendships with those she ignored.

She was even going to be nice to Rachel – maybe even compliment her on one of her truly hideous outfits.

But then Rachel walked in with Finn and Puck, and she was smiling, because she had both of them. It wasn't fair.

Once upon a time, Quinn had both of them, and look how it had worked out. Pregnant at sixteen, lying to her boyfriend and hurting her boyfriend's best friend at every opportunity.

Why should Rachel be allowed to have both of them?

So she threw her out, and maybe this time, Rachel would get the hint and stop getting back up every single time.

* * *

There's a note with Quinn's name on it and she takes it, not because she cares what Rachel has to say but because everyone else is reading a letter, and if they all have one, she has to have one too.

Jealousy comes hand in hand with competition.

She's lucky the green-eyed monster suits her so well.

* * *

Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn? Why me?

* * *

The page is filled with Rachel's writing, starting off with her neat, perfect handwriting, before disintegrating into scribbles that are barely legible.

It doesn't matter though because she knows what it says.

Why, Quinn? Why me? Why, Quinn?

(She throws the note in the bin).

* * *

She has a plan – a three step plan to completely and utterly destroy Rachel Berry. Each step has (on average) seven sub-steps and she spent hours creating it.

The first step was to alienate Finn, the second to alienate Puck and the third was to make her wish she had never been born.

She had never been happier on the first day of school, especially when Finn chose to stand with Santana and Brittany. Her heart soared when Puck threw a slushy at her.

Her plan was going to be easier than she thought.

* * *

The waiting room is too quiet – Kurt's crying next to Mercedes, who looks like she's just stopped crying. Artie and Tina are by the vending machine, and Matt's slumped in the chair nearest to them. Mike's stretched out across three chairs, kicking Matt as he tries to get comfortable. Mr. Schue is next to Rachel's dads, who are as close as possible to Rachel's hospital room. Brittany's fallen asleep in her chair, Santana is staring at the wall, and Shelby is sitting on the opposite side of the waiting room (Quinn tries to ignore the baby nestled in her arms). Finn's eyes are red and puffy (he won't stop crying) and Puck has his head buried in his hands.

So she pulls out her phone, and logs onto facebook. It's early in the morning, but hopefully, something interesting is going on.

It's less than a minute later when her phone vibrates in her hand. One new message from Santana (how predictable).

_Fucking bitch._

_

* * *

_

The first session of glee is on the first day of school, and Quinn knows what's going to happen. She organized it after she threw Rachel out of the party last week, and everyone agrees with her.

("Rachel is no longer an adequate team captain. She puts her needs before those of the team and we need to put a stop to that before her selfishness ruins Glee club. Therefore, I propose we vote for a new team captain on the first day back at Glee, before she has a chance to run the club even further into the ground").

It's surprisingly easy to get what she wants.

Finn and Quinn: co-captains of Glee. She likes the way it sounds.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Santana Lopez and I was a huge bitch to your daughter. Honestly, I don't deserve to be here, and if you want the truth, which I'm sure you don't because no one does, not one member of this club deserves to be here"

Leave it to Santana to be the first one to come to her senses. The Latina storms out and Brittany doesn't follow – interesting. In fact, no one follows her.

And that's when Quinn gets an idea. She's going to tear this club apart, one member at a time, because if Rachel dies, and they all feel guilty, she'll be the only one who goes down for this. She cannot – will not – be the only one who is blamed.

She's just found her weakest link. Santana Lopez is not going to know what's hit her.

* * *

Order returns to the school when the head cheerleader and the quarterback get back together. It's been a bumpy road, but they're in it for the long haul this time.

There will be no distractions (Puck, Rachel) or unwanted additions (Drizzle/Beth). It will be just them – Quinn and Finn – united again.

It's the stuff fairytales are made of. For God's sakes, their names _rhyme_.

But it isn't perfect, because Finn's wandering eye turns into wandering lips, and wandering hands and a wandering...

A wandering everything.

She doesn't notice the little bruises that litter Rachel's skin, or the scratches Santana wears with pride (the perfect accessory to her constantly bruised lips) until it's too late.

This time, he's the one that cheats on her, and she can't get mad because she did it first. She took Puck (his best friend) so he took Santana (her "best friend") and the girl she hates more than anything else.

She knows it's not Rachel's fault; that Rachel has fallen so far in love with him that she can't deny him anything. She knows it's Finn's fault, that he's used the midget's feelings to his advantage – just like he did all that time ago to entice her back to Glee.

But she turns it into a game anyway, because maybe this time, Rachel won't get back up. Maybe Rachel will finally get the message.

No one messes with Quinn Fabray.

* * *

Rachel's at the back of every song and it feels like the victory she's been desperately chasing for so long. Santana's there as well and nothing has ever felt more perfect.

Except, maybe, the fact that Santana is completely alone now that Brittany's by Quinn's side, and the fact that Rachel's eyes don't sparkle like diamonds anymore.

Either way, it feels good. It feels perfect.

(It backfires on her though, just like everything always does. Santana and Rachel start holding hands when they think no one is looking, and she's seen Santana's car parked outside Rachel's house on more than one occasion. That's when she lets Brittany think that it's her idea to be Santana's friend again).

* * *

Quinn reaches for Puck's hand, to keep up the pretence that they are a happy, loving couple who have no problems. He pulls his hand away.

Finn's asleep on the other side of her, and his face is contorted into something that terrifies her – he's obviously having a nightmare.

She can see Brittany smirking at her, and she's never felt so alone.

She must be a truly terrible person if _Brittany _can see it. Brittany, who always sees the best in people, who never judges or assumes anything... Brittany who has never hated anyone...

If everyone can see how truly awful she is, why can't she see it too?

* * *

Mercedes steals Rachel's clothes and Kurt burns them, and she congratulates them for being such loyal followers. Kurt and Mercedes are the new Santana and Brittany except they are so much better because they don't question her orders.

She thinks that with the two of them by her side, Rachel is finally going to get what's coming to her. She hates Puck for turning back to Rachel at that moment, because she was so close to succeeding.

So she rewrites her plan, and waits until she can see Rachel start to rebuild herself.

That's when she takes Puck back.

* * *

Rachel's dad's give everyone permission to leave, or to go to the cafeteria, so she gets up and leaves the hospital.

She expects Puck to follow her because even though he's not the best boyfriend in the world, he knows that he needs to support her.

She expects Finn to follow her because even after all this time, he still looks at her with stars in his eyes, because she's his dream girl (he just doesn't know what to do with her once he has her).

But neither follows, and she's left alone in the car park.

Well, almost alone, because Santana's sitting on the hood of her car, just waiting.

* * *

She knows. She can see that Rachel's spiralling out of control, that she's depressed and needs help. She knows because she's been depressed before, when she first found out about the baby. It was Rachel that helped her back then, saying that Glee club would help, that Glee club would be her family.

She knows. She can see that Rachel's spiralling out of control. She knows, but she does nothing. Instead, she takes the family Rachel had promised would be there for Quinn.

She takes everything, and finally, she feels like it's enough.

* * *

She's done enough, she's truly satisfied, and she has destroyed Rachel Berry. But when she sees Rachel in the bathroom, she can't resist rubbing it into her face one more time.

She spits venom at her, throwing back the mistakes she's made, throwing Finn, Santana and then Puck back at her.

And when she's done, and walking out of the bathroom, she whispers "I win".

Because she and Rachel – in her mind – have been competing for a very, very long time. And today, she has finally come out on top.

* * *

"She's a good person you know", Santana whispers as Quinn makes her way towards her car. "A really, really good person"

Quinn doesn't even know if Santana realizes she's talking, so she stays quiet, collapsing down next to her car, her back pressed against the door.

"She had this smile that could light up a room and eyes that sparkled like the sun. She had this laugh that was cute and sexy at the same time and she couldn't stand it, but it made me smile every single time. She was incredibly smart, and witty, and she had the best comebacks. It made me wonder why she didn't use them against the people who hurt her"

"You're talking about her like she's dead Santana. She's not dead, she's in a coma"

"But really, after what's happened, she is dead. There is no coming back from that".

And after that, they're both silent.

* * *

Yesterday, she knew something was different. Rachel's eyes were just a little brighter and her smile was just visible.

She knew something was different, that something was wrong, and she knew it had the power to change everything.

So she pushed Rachel into a locker.

* * *

Santana eventually decides to go back into the hospital, even though her eyes are still rimmed with red. She glares on her way back through the doors, as though she just realized who she was talking to.

She looks so broken, so lost, as if she doesn't know what she's supposed to do next.

Quinn's not going soft but maybe destroying one glee member is enough. Maybe the rest of them don't need to be torn apart or broken down.

She doesn't think what's she's done was a mistake (she'd go back and do it again if she had to) but she's learned from it.

* * *

Yesterday, she knew something was wrong. Yesterday night, she drove past Rachel's house on her way to Puck's.

She saw candles flickering and she heard screaming and she saw Santana's car in the driveway. She saw Mike's face peering out of the windows on the house behind Rachel's. She heard an ambulance wailing in the background.

So she left.

* * *

She tells herself as she gets into her car and drives away from the hospital that she'll never be this competitive again (especially with someone who didn't even know they were competing) and that she'll never get this jealous again.

But she knows it's a lie, because if anyone dares to challenge her in the way Rachel Berry did, she won't stop until they're destroyed.

(If Rachel gets better – and that's a big if – she knows she won't be any nicer. If she could get away with the same stunts she's been pulling for years, she would, but she knows that won't happen, because Rachel Berry has guardian angels now).

* * *

You see, Quinn Fabray is competitive. She takes everything she wants, and doesn't stop to think about how it will affect others. She takes things that aren't hers, and things that will never be hers.

She takes Finn and Puck and Santana and Brittany and Mike and Glee and McKinley High and everything that Rachel never had a chance to conquer.

* * *

Sleeping with Puck was a mistake. Cheating on Finn was a mistake. Getting pregnant was a huge mistake. Lying to Finn about the paternity of the baby was not a mistake.

Spreading that rumour about Brittany and Santana in the first year of high school was a mistake. Dating Finn again was a mistake. Dating Puck was a huge mistake.

She'll never consider what she did to Rachel Berry a mistake. She just did what was neccessary to keep her spot on the top of the social pyramid.

* * *

Bertrand Russel once said few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.

She was happy – hating Rachel Berry made her happy, because by destroying her, she got to keep everything she loved.

She doesn't know why that makes her a bad person. She wasn't the one who picked up the razor and sliced into her arm, and she didn't force Rachel to do it. All of this – the suicide attempt, the coma... everything – that's on Rachel.

She just knows she's going to get blamed for this.

* * *

She wishes Rachel would just die and then finally, she can win.

* * *

Every member of Glee has a wish. It's a wish they've been hoping for for a long time. It was an assignment once... write down your wish and then sing a song about it.

They all wrote a wish, but they never got round to singing the songs, because Quinn decided there were more important things they should be doing (and she was captain, and Mr. Schue was in her back pocket, so what she said was law).

Puck wished that his baby girl grew up knowing that her dad didn't hate her, that he loved her so much that he had no other choice but to give her up so she could have a better life...

Finn wished that he could make his mum happy because she hadn't been happy since his dad had died...

Santana wished that she could be as brave and strong as people thought she was...

Brittany wished that she could be smart and clever and pass all her tests so that she would stop disappointing her mum and dad...

Mike wished that he could tell his mum and dad that he hated football and loved dancing more than anything else in the world...

Matt wished that he could finally be more than just a background character in everyone else's story...

Artie wished that he could regain feeling in his legs so that he could get down on one knee and propose to Tina as soon as he could...

Tina wished that she didn't have to hide behind a fake stutter and gothic clothes because she was tired of scaring people away...

Kurt wished that he wasn't gay, because even though he accepted himself, no one else did, and all he wanted was acceptance...

Mercedes wished that she wasn't fat and that a boy would look at her with stars in his eyes, just like they looked at Quinn...

And Quinn, after reading everyone else's wishes, scrapped the whole assignment, because hers made her seem like a self-centred bitch.

* * *

Rachel wished for world peace, and an end to poverty. She wished for friends and family. She wished for love and happiness, for herself and everyone she knows. She wished for Broadway and Santana and a beautiful apartment in New York.

Quinn wished that Rachel would just go to hell.

* * *

After so many years of Quinn beating Rachel down so she couldn't reach her full potential, it's come down to this:

Quinn Fabray has lost. Lost to a girl who will probably die, lost to a girl who was the only one brave enough to compete, even if she didn't realize it.

Quinn Fabray has _lost. _

_

* * *

_

And that's the only thing she's sad about as she drives away from the hospital... she _lost _to Rachel Berry.


	6. Mercedes

**A/N: Consider this story disclaimed. I do not own Glee, or it's characters. Huge thanks to LayLayX for beta-ing, the amazing story "Tired" for inspiration and stardust923 for offering to beta for me. I'd love to take you up on that, if you are still interested. **

**Oh, and I have a recommendation. I've just finished a story I avoided for a long time, purely because it was about zombies - something that was way out of my comfort zone. But one afternoon, I read the first chapter, and the rest is fate. If you haven't read: Just Like Last Tuesday, Except With Zombies, by the insanely talented angel-dawes, go and read it now. The story had it's last chapter posted today, and honestly, the writer is freakishly amazing. I laughed, I cried, I almost shut down my computer because it was just over-whelming. What are you waiting for, go and read it now. Oh, and let me know what you think of it... I posted an epically long review, and love discussing this story. **

**And here's Mercedes. **

* * *

None of the Glee kids know Mercedes family. None of them have been to her house, and none of them have met her mum or her dad. She likes it that way.

She lives on the outskirts of Lima – close enough to town so that she can drive herself to school, but far enough away so that no one can accidently stumble upon her home.

She lives with her mum and her dad. Her older brother Ryan is already off in college.

Her brother is nineteen. Her mum was twenty one when Ryan was born. She's now 40. Her dad is 67. That's a twenty seven year gap.

She'd like to be one of those people who doesn't care about age gaps – after all, love is love. But twenty seven years is a huge gap, and her dad may love her mum, but her mum only loves her dad's money.

So, none of the Glee kids know her story. She likes it that way.

* * *

It's Kurt that calls her with the news. It takes her a while to truly understand what's happening, because it's Rachel, and Rachel's strong, and there _has _to be a mistake.

But when Kurt's voice falters a little bit, and he has to take a deep breath before explaining that he's at the hospital, she just knows.

This is not going to end well.

* * *

Her mum always told her that singing wasn't enough to get her through life. She refused to pay for singing lessons, even when her dad wanted her to be immersed in the arts, saying that no daughter of hers would have such a useless skill.

So she learnt to sew, and to cook, and to clean, and became her mother. She was trained to become a wife, and although it sucked at first, eventually she kind of liked it.

Her mum laughed a lot more while they were cooking, and there was a sparkle in her eye as they mopped the floors, and Mercedes came to realize that this was all her mum had ever known.

And so she didn't complain, and she made excuses for why she couldn't go out after school. She spent the weekends with Kurt, and eventually Quinn, but after school was the time for her and her mum to hang out.

* * *

The hospital is awful, just like she knew it would be. There are tears (everyone except Quinn), and fights (Santana against Quinn, take two) and death glares between people everyone thought were friends (Mike and Brittany).

She just wants to be far, far away from here.

There's a recipe she had just started reading when the phone rang – a marble mudcake – and she runs through the recipe in her head.

Preheat the oven, grease a cake tin, collect the ingredients... it goes on and on, and somewhere between cracking the eggs and mixing it all together, she's forgotten that she's in the hospital.

Well, she had forgotten, until Rachel's parents start handing out notes.

* * *

When she joined Glee, she felt special. Like she was a part of something that would make her popular and desirable and give her proper friends.

She didn't expect to have a crush on a gay guy, and she didn't expect to become best friends with a girl who dressed like a Goth and spoke with a stutter.

She definitely didn't expect someone who could sing better than her.

She had always been the best singer in a room, even when her mum didn't encourage it. At church, she was the lead in the choir, and at Sunday school (which she still loved, even though she was in high school), she would finish the session with a hymn.

But Rachel Berry was in Glee club too, and she'd taken vocal lessons and dancing lessons and she was _amazing. _

And Mercedes wasn't used to being second best, so she ignored Rachel. She became friends with the others – monopolizing their time – because if Rachel was the best at singing, then Mercedes would be better at absolutely everything else.

* * *

Mercedes,

Did I ever tell you that I thought we would be amazing friends? You see, we both love to sing, and we aren't (weren't) afraid to show who we really are. And, there's a small part of both of us that is ashamed of our family.

I love my dad's, I really, really do, but sometimes, I want a mum. Sometimes, I don't want to be the freak with the two dads', the freak who everyone tries to avoid because they think homosexuality is contagious.

And I don't know if this is true, because you never told me, but I think you were ashamed of your mum and dad's age gap. I think you were scared that your friends and peers would call your mum a gold-digging whore, and I get that you didn't want that to happen.

You see, your dad came round to my house once. He had a meeting with his lawyer, my dad, about his will, and he told me that he was leaving everything to his wife because he truly loved her. And I just joined the dots, because I'd seen you laughing and joking with a woman at the mall once, and you called her mum.

So I understood you. I understood you in a way no one else did. Because Finn and Puck love their mums, and Kurt loves his dad. And Quinn loves her parents desperately, and Tina loves her parents too. And Artie may not show it, but he loves his dad, and he misses his mum. None of them are ashamed of their families.

Except us.

So I understood you, and I thought that we could have been amazing friends. But it's too late for us now, because you chose Quinn and her horrible, deranged sense of what is acceptable and what isn't, and you helped burn my clothes.

I thought you were better than that, but obviously I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about us being friends.

* * *

Kurt was the first one to ask her about her family. It was a simple question: what does your dad do? But she still pretended not to hear him, just to buy herself some time to prepare an answer.

"My dad's a dentist", she answered, after he'd repeated the question twice.

After all, it wasn't a lie. Her dad used to be a dentist: it was the only job he'd ever had. She just left out the part where he won the lottery (one of the biggest jackpots in the lotteries history) and retired at 35.

She wasn't lying. Kurt hadn't asked her if her dad was still a dentist, or if he was retired, or how old he was, or if he'd ever won the lottery.

He'd just asked what her dad did, and once upon a time, he'd been a dentist.

She still doesn't consider that lying.

* * *

She watches Quinn throw her note in the bin and she wants to slap the blonde across the face, but Santana's already done that. Plus, two handprints across one cheek might blur the message: one handprint alone is crystal clear, whereas two is just a mess.

So she settles for glaring at Quinn, holding Kurt's hand and trying not to reread her letter, because it hurts too much.

* * *

Santana (_Santana Lopez) _is crying, and Brittany (_Brittany Pierce) _is looking at her note like she's dying inside. Brittany and Santana are supposed to be the strong one's but they aren't coping, and somehow Rachel Berry has torn them apart.

Puck hasn't opened his envelope, but he's running his fingers over Rachel's handwritten _Noah _on the front of the envelope. Finn's crying, Matt's struggling to breathe and Mike's note is lying in his lap while he stares blindly at the wall. Tina's eyes are filled with tears and Artie looks distraught.

And she can hear her best friend crying. Kurt Hummel, the boy that never cries. Kurt, the boy who has learned to take everything in his stride, is crying like there's no tomorrow.

That's what really scares her. Without Rachel Berry, will there actually be a tomorrow? The world doesn't seem like it'll be able to keep turning without her.

* * *

She's better than Rachel at everything except singing. She dresses better, has better friends, and has a nicer personality...

Plus, they're both boyfriendless, so there's another category that Rachel isn't the winner of. Because, try as she might, Finn won't leave Quinn, because Quinn's pregnant, and despite his wandering eye, he loves his girlfriend.

But then Puck comes along, and he has this light in his eye as he walks down the hallway with Rachel, and he's smiling as he sings to her, and his eyes aren't following Quinn anymore, and everything is oh so _perfect. _

And Rachel... she's happy. She has a boy who listens to her, and chooses glee over football for her (unlike that other boy) and sings for her in front of everyone. She may not know it yet, but Puck, he's perfect for her.

But Mercedes can't let Rachel beat her at something else, so she convinces Rachel that Puck's eyes are constantly on Quinn, and that the mohawked boy loves the blonde, just like Finn does. And she smiles when she hears that Rachel and Puck have ended things.

Because now, they're both boyfriendless, and Rachel may be better at singing, but Mercedes dresses better, has better friends, and has a nicer personality...

Who cares if Rachel's unhappy?

* * *

Rachel's in a coma and the doctor doesn't know if she'll wake up, and Rachel's dads are giving them permission to leave – to go home, or go to the cafeteria, or run as far away as they possibly can – and no one knows what to do.

She accidently looks at Quinn and the blonde is smirking, like this couldn't have turned out any better if she planned it.

And she realizes that Quinn is toxic, and it's her fault that Rachel's lying in the hospital bed, fighting for her life. And because it's Quinn's fault, it's also _their _fault, because they followed Quinn, helped Quinn, laughed with Quinn... because they all turned their back on _Rachel_, who was the very best of them.

And she just has to get away from Quinn and everyone who's close to Quinn, so she takes Tina and Artie and Kurt with her to the cafeteria, far away from Puck and Finn and Shelby and Mr. Schue.

She feels a little better, but also a lot, lot worse because she realizes now what she's done, what she's allowed to happen by sitting back and doing nothing.

And she hates herself.

* * *

Sectionals were a disaster and they all blame it on Rachel. Puck's the one who slept with Quinn, and Quinn's the one who lied to Finn, and Finn's the one who bailed on them, but Rachel gets the blame because she told the truth.

She told Finn the truth, which made him bail. She told Finn the truth, and betrayed Quinn. She told Finn the truth, and lost Puck his best friend.

And their set list has been given to the other schools and she has to give the solo she's been dreaming of to Rachel, because she has nothing else prepared.

Rachel brings down the house, like she always does, because that girl may be twelve different kinds of crazy but no one ever said she couldn't sing.

It doesn't feel as amazing when they win the competition. Mercedes should have won it for them, with her solo and amazing voice, and a standing ovation, not Rachel.

(Rachel sits by herself on the bus ride home).

* * *

Kurt tells them all about his outfit choices for the next month, and Tina laughs in all the right places (Kurt even pauses so that Tina's laughter is the only sound heard).

It comes across as rehearsed, _too _rehearsed, and insensitive, _too _insensitive, and it makes her feel sick to her stomach.

Kurt's the first one to realize how she's feeling, because he immediately stops talking and looks at her with concern in his eyes.

"How could Rachel do this?"

None of them answer.

* * *

When Jesse St. James walked into their lives, and into their club and into Rachel's heart, they hated him. Finn hated the fact that he'd blown his last chance with Rachel, because he'd assumed she'd always be there. Quinn hated the fact that Rachel had two men looking at her when the blonde had none (she and Puck weren't dating at the time). Mercedes just hated the fact that Rachel once again had a boyfriend when she didn't.

None of them stood up and protected Rachel – not one of them wanted to help her. They all knew the boy was a spy, and that she'd get hurt in the long run, but not one of them tried to save her.

Sure, they got mad _after _he egged her, but honestly, they should have sent him packing a long time before that.

* * *

She didn't think twice before asking Quinn to move in. Quinn had these pretty eyes that just begged people to help her, and this shiny, shiny hair that was just waiting to be touched, and the words just tumbled out of her mouth.

And before she knew it, Quinn had her bags packed and was waiting to move in. That was a problem though, because even though Quinn Fabray had fallen from grace, she still's an extremely judgemental person.

Even though Mercedes has come to accept the twenty seven year age gap, Quinn is not going to be that lenient.

And so, for the first time in her life, Mercedes lies about her family. Sure, she's told small lies before, little manipulations of the truth, but nothing like this.

This is huge.

She says that her father is dead, and that her _grandfather _moved in to help her mum take care of everything.

(And Quinn walks around, with her nose turned up at the decor that doesn't meet her standards, and Mercedes feels sick to her stomach).

* * *

Jesse St. James finds them in the cafeteria, and his hair is out of place, and his eyes are full of panic, and Mercedes realizes that Jesse did truly love Rachel, as much as one teenage boy can love a teenage girl.

He may not have shown it (choosing his team over his girlfriend and throwing eggs at her probably wasn't the best way to end their relationship) but he's standing in front of them and he honestly doesn't know what to do.

He looks a bit like Santana, who they saw just a few minutes ago, stumbling around the hospital aimlessly (which is ironic because Santana always hated Jesse the most).

"Where is she? How is she? Oh god, what have I done?" pours out of his mouth, and his hands start to shake and he collapses into a chair.

"It doesn't look good", Artie says softly and Jesse's eyes start to water and he doesn't even try to hide the fact that he's crying.

"Oh god, what have I done?" he repeats, over and over, and none of them have the audacity to tell him to shut up.

* * *

Rachel and Finn get a duet at Regionals. They get a chance to shine, in front of all those adoring people, and Mercedes can just tell that Rachel is expecting to win.

So when their beautiful, moving Journey medley only secures them last place, Rachel is clearly the most shocked.

Sure, they're all upset because they needed to win to get another year of Glee, but even without the club, they'll all still be friends, and hang out on weekends, and probably even have karaoke battles.

Except Rachel.

She has nothing outside this club. Her life is Glee. It's the only reason most of them tolerate her – she has a fantastic singing voice – because none of them like her personality. She'd be truly alone if Glee ended.

They all have each other, and Puck and Quinn just had a baby, and like it or not, they're a _family_. Glee is a family.

And Rachel is that crazy great-aunt that no one invites to picnics.

* * *

At the Glee party Quinn throws (Quinn, the girl who left Mercede's home and moved straight back in with her mother without an explanation or a thankyou), they decided the future of Glee.

Mercedes didn't really want to demote Rachel from captain – she honestly didn't. Rachel may be crazy and obsessive and annoying but all of that worked in their favour – she motivated them and made them believe in themselves.

But Quinn suggests the idea, and Quinn's her best friend, and Rachel took her solo at sectionals, and her duet at Regionals didn't secure them first place, so she agrees with Quinn.

"Quinn's right. Rachel is destroying Glee. We need a new captain. We'll vote on the first day back at school"

The smile she receives in return makes her feel better about what she just did.

(It's ironic how she can only remember bad things about Rachel, instead of the times when Rachel took her breath away).

* * *

They sit there, in the cafeteria, a strange, strange group. Mercedes, Kurt, Tina, Artie, _Jesse and Santana _(who eventually stumbled across their table with red-rimmed eyes).

None of them speak, all of them lost in their own thoughts, and it dawns on Mercedes that once upon a time, Glee was perfect.

And strangely, it was in the days of Jesse St. James.

Sure, Rachel was still hated by most of them, and they didn't try to protect her from the guy who they knew was an asshole, but she had someone by her side.

Jesse held her hand and wiped away her tears, and Finn's eyes followed her as she walked. Quinn didn't try and sabotage her at every opportunity, and she still sang.

So they had one year as a dysfunctional, _magical _family. It was just the second year when everything fell apart.

* * *

She stole Rachel's clothes and watched Kurt burn them because Quinn had said that it would be funny.

She didn't think it was funny, or clever. It was downright mean. Every single member of Glee club had been bullied at one time or another and for them to turn around and do it to someone else was unacceptable and cruel.

But Quinn's eyes were sparkling in a way they hadn't in such a long time.

As she's stealing the clothes, she justifies her actions. Rachel deserves it. She slept with Finn even when he clearly belonged to Quinn, and stole the blonde's happiness.

And she feels all funny in her chest when Quinn congratulates them. She feels _accepted _and _loved _and who cares if she had to hurt Rachel Berry to get there? Rachel would understand... she'd been hurt before, and would be hurt again.

(When Quinn takes Puck away from Rachel, she doesn't say anything, because once upon a time, she did the same thing. She and Quinn aren't that different).

* * *

By the time she realized that Quinn was worse than Rachel in every possible way, it was too late. By the time she realized Quinn was manipulating everyone to get what she wanted, she was in too far to get out.

It dawns on her one day that Quinn has torn apart their little club. Rachel stands at the back and sways, all alone, and doesn't sing anymore. She has no one, because Quinn has taken Santana and Puck away from her.

Santana is quiet in practice, holding onto Brittany's hand tightly like she's afraid she'll lose her girlfriend if she opens her mouth. Brittany's smile isn't as bright as it used to be. Artie and Tina don't laugh in rehearsals, Finn's eyes rarely leave the floor, and Puck's smile rarely reaches his eyes. Kurt spends most of their sessions just staring at her (they haven't spoken properly in a while)...

... And Quinn is smiling and singing like her life depends on it.

She's worse than Rachel ever was. Rachel was never that bad – Rachel loved them and wanted what was best for them and pushed them to be great.

Maybe she'll go to Rachel's house after school and see if Rachel was okay... maybe they could try and become friends, because Rachel really needed someone who truly cared about her.

Mercedes could do that; she could be that person. She was just too late.

(That night, Rachel took a razor to her arm and tried to make herself disappear).

* * *

**A/N: Who would you guys like to hear from next?**


	7. Matt

****

A/N: Thanks go to LayLayX for beta-ing this chapter to quickly and all of the people who reviewed the last chapter. It was a close vote between Matt, Jesse and Kurt, but I started writing Matt when he was in the lead, so that's what this chapter is.

**Also, I had a request for Emma, Sue, Sandy and Figgins, for diversity (that was from JClayton), so there will be a chapter featuring all the teachers. Mr Schue, however, will have his own chapter. **

**So, after this chapter, we still have Puck's, Finn's, Kurt's, Tina's, Artie's, Shelby's, Jesse's, Rachel's dads (who will share a chapter), Emma/Sue/Sandy/Figgins (who will also be sharing), Mr. Schue's, and the final chapter will be Rachel's. **

**

* * *

**

When he was younger, he was terrified that he was someone else's dream (or nightmare) and that one day, they'd wake up, and his life would suddenly end.

It was a crazy fear, and his brain told him that it would never happen, but his heart beat just a little bit faster when he thought about it, and after every bad moment, he'd pinch himself, just to see if the person dreaming about him would wake up so he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath.

On the night where Rachel Berry tries to kill herself, he walks into the hospital with red, red arms, and little pinch shaped crescents covering every available bit of skin.

* * *

Mike called him in hysterics, spouting off sentences that didn't make sense, because that's the kind of person Mike is. He never does anything half way; he gives his all to everything.

It's why they're best friends: Matt's the quiet one and Mike's the vibrant one. Mike told him once that they were like Blair and Serena from Gossip Girl, minus the fights. Matt plans, Mike does; Matt over analyses, Mike does first, thinks later.

So when Mike calls, and he hears the words Rachel and hospital, he freaks out a _lot, _because Rachel is like glue. She holds Glee together, she held _Mike_ together (once upon a time), and her voice holds _him _together when he just wants to give up.

(He throws his phone at the wall and jumps onto his bike – he hasn't passed his driving test yet – because what happens next is not going to be pretty).

* * *

"There are people in life who are going to be extraordinary and Matthew Rutherford; you will be one of them".

He's fourteen years old and his dad's home for the week (he works in the mines, two weeks away, one week home), and before this moment, he can't remember anyone telling him he'd succeed in life.

So when the mine collapses a week later, killing his dad and four other men, he just knows that his life will never be the same again.

* * *

He met Puck about a month after his dad died. His dad had always wanted him to concentrate on his studies so that he could get out of Lima, so he joined the football team.

He's never heard of anyone rebelling against a dead person before, but he did it.

And Puck, he's exactly what his dad would have called a bad influence. He drinks, sleeps around and when he can get his hands on it, he smokes weed.

So he joins the football team and decides that Puck should be his friend. There's a small(er) Asian boy standing next to Puck, and a tall lanky dude on the other side of him, and he realizes that to become friends with the guy with the mohawk, he's going to have to befriend the entourage.

He targeted the Asian boy first – Mike – and the rest is history.

* * *

He's the kind of guy that blends right into the background, no matter who he hangs out with. For a while, he didn't want to blend in – he wanted to stand out and be different, to be noticed.

So he skipped school, and helped his friends plan attacks on the losers, and drunk way too much and whenever anyone asked him anything, he said yes.

He was noticed – it was Puck and his friends Matt, Mike and Finn, and he did what he needed to do to be established as cool, but he did it behind the scenes. He came up with the plan of locking Artie in that portable toilet and tipping it, but didn't participate; created the idea of a slushy facial and even the defacing of the annual Glee picture but didn't help act it out.

But one day, a blonde cheerleader walked past, and Finn's mouthed dropped open. And then another blonde cheerleader walked past and Mike lost track of what he was saying. And the blonde had her pinkie finger wrapped around another pinkie finger, belonging to a third cheerio.

It was like one of those scenes in the movies, where a guy sees a girl and everything is suddenly in slow motion. And it stayed in slow motion until Puck walked forward and slung his arm around _Santana. _

So he stopped drinking, and smoking, and stopped creating those horrible bullying ideas. Because even though he was noticed, he still wasn't _enough. _

_

* * *

_

He's never set foot in a hospital before. His dad's body was in a pretty messed up shape and he died on impact, so they put him straight in a coffin instead of taking him to the morgue first.

He decides, within thirty seconds of setting foot in the hospital, that he doesn't like them. You see, he doesn't necessarily belong with these people, but he considers them part of his family.

When they're upset, he's upset.

Right now, they're all upset, so he's upset. And Rachel's dying and he's upset. And there's all these feelings that he's not used to because his life is just average, and he's never felt this way before, not even when his dad died.

When his dad died, he was upset and pissed off, and he messed up his life just to get back at his dad for leaving, but this, with Rachel, has the power to break so many more people.

So he collapses into a seat next to Mike, and stares at Santana, whose face is deathly pale. She looks so old, like she's way too much for her age, and there's blood on her shirt and her jeans and her hands and she looks like she's drowning in grief.

Brittany, who's sitting next to her, doesn't look like she's feeling much better. Her hands are stained red too, probably from comforting Santana, and she looks like someone's killed her puppy and that stupid duck she thought was in the hat, and her cat (who she thought read her diary) and it's just too much.

And for once, he's glad he blends in, because no one is looking at him right now. If they looked at him, he'd completely fall apart.

* * *

He and Santana dated for two weeks once, while Mike and Brittany dated, and Santana and Brittany dated on the side.

It was _after_ the week where Puck and Rachel linked arms and walked through McKinley High, her talking a million miles an hour, while he just had a stupid smile on his face.

She asked him out the day after Rachel and Puck broke up, after he and Mike chose Glee, and she had that smirk on her face – one she'd stolen off of Puck when they "dated" – that put him completely at her mercy.

So he said yes, and pretended that he was okay with the fact that she'd slept with almost every guy who ever wanted her, and Brittany, and Puck (which was understandable, because he was practically a sex addict) and Mike.

But when he saw that guilty look in Mike's eyes, he realized that although Santana was his dream girl, his best friend was more important.

So he dumped Santana, and pretended that he didn't care, and pretended that he didn't know Mike and Santana had slept together.

Mike never came clean about sleeping with Santana; he never even hinted at what had happened between them. So, when Mike and Brittany broke up (even though he knew it was a bit of low thing to do) he slept with Brittany.

And that was that: they were even.

* * *

Santana slaps Quinn, Brittany looks freaked out, Mike looks pleased and he just wonders where the fuck they went wrong, because once upon a time, they had something strong between them.

Puck and Finn were best friends, and Finn was dating Quinn, who was best friends with Santana and Brittany,who was Mike's childhood best friend, and Mike was _his _best friend, and they were inseparable.

It was Glee, really, that tore them apart. Finn's eyes stopped watching Quinn and started seeking out Rachel, so Quinn slept with Puck, and Santana and Brittany turned against Quinn because the blonde had slept with Puck while he was dating Santana, and Finn punched Puck in the face when he found out about the baby not being his, and it was just a mess of a relationship that used to be so strong.

All he ever wanted was his friends. He wanted Mike, because they were basically brothers, and Finn, because you could tell him anything and he wouldn't gossip (mainly because he forgot most of the conversation five minutes later), and Puck, because he has this _thing _about him that was hard to resist, and Brittany because she had a really pretty smile and Santana, because he'd always kind of loved her.

It's now, sitting in the hospital, that he realizes he never really wanted Quinn.

* * *

"Are you the family of Rachel Berry?" Puck's mum asks, and Matt wonders if she knows that her son is struggling to breathe right now.

(Does she realize that her son dated the girl in the bed for a week... that he chose Glee over football for her, and sung a solo for her and took a slushy to the face for her? Does she realize that her son lead her on, turning his back on her for the former chastity queen?

Does she realize that her son is a self-centred, arrogant prick?)

None of them say anything or stand up or fight for Rachel. None of them say that they are her family, and that they love her.

He wants to scream at them, but he realizes that he's just as bad as the rest of them because he never helped Rachel.

He was probably worse than the rest of them, because he came up with the numerous ways they tortured her.

So he stays silent and stares at the floor.

* * *

"Matthew", one of Rachel's dad's calls out, before handing him an envelope. His name is on the outside, in swirly black calligraphy.

He doesn't want to open his envelope because everyone else is crying while they read theirs and he can't cry, not in public, not even when Rachel Berry is dying.

* * *

Dear Matthew,

There's this incredible, peaceful quality about you, did you know that? When you walk into a room, even if you don't say a word, I feel so much calmer. You're probably the only person who has that effect on me – no one else in the world can restrain me in the way you do.

I wonder what happened to you to make you into the person you are today. How can you be so calm and reassuring and peaceful, yet able to come up with such originals way to torture people?

You could do so much better than what you have now. You don't have to just be Mike's best friend, or the boy who lusts after Santana Lopez, because those things aren't substantial. They don't mean anything and they can be taken away in a heartbeat. And after you've given so much of yourself to them, and they leave, it's virtually impossible to redefine yourself.

I was Mike's best friend and I love Santana Lopez, but no one remembers me as Mike's ex-best friend or Santana's ex-girlfriend. They remember me as crazy, manipulative, abrasive and impossible to like.

But in my heart, I refer to myself as Mike's ex-best friend, and Santana's ex-girlfriend and I can't change that.

Please Matthew, save yourself now. Get out from under their rule, and become your own person, because I don't want you to be the next person in this situation.

You deserve better. _I deserved better. _And maybe I was too late to be saved, but it's not too late for you. You still have time to get out Matthew.

God, I don't know why I'm trying to protect you just before I kill myself. You never did anything nice for me. I guess I just don't want anyone else to feel the way I've felt.

No one deserves this Matthew, no one.

* * *

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

What has he done? Why didn't he step up and save her? Why didn't he protect her? Why was he so caught up in his reputation and his friends and his stupid, perfect life?

He could have done so much but instead he did so little, and he feels incredibly stupid.

He hurt Rachel for his friends; for Mike, Santana, Brittany, Puck and Finn, and those very friends are falling apart right now.

Mike is losing his child-hood best friend; Santana's losing her ex-girlfriend and someone she possibly still loves; Brittany's losing _her _child-hood best friend, and the girl she always thought she'd end up with and Puck and Finn are both losing the girl he loves they maybe, always sort of loved.

And their friendship is falling apart too, and he doesn't know who he can turn to now.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god. _

_

* * *

_

Brittany asks him to go outside to check on Santana, so he does. He's just read the letter from Rachel, and he knows that she's right, that he needs to become his own person, and maybe now is the perfect time to do it.

So he walks outside, and Santana's sitting on the hood of her car, crying. And not just little tears, she's full on sobbing, choking for each individual breath as if any second she might stop breathing.

And even though, just two seconds ago, he was ready to say that he had to help himself right now, just seeing her in tears has reeled him right back in.

He sits on the hood next to her and wraps his arm around her shoulders and she just falls into his embrace, still crying.

"It's going to be okay San, I promise", he whispers, but that's clearly the wrong thing to say because she literally explodes.

"How dare you sit there and fucking tell me that it's going to be okay? The girl I love tried to kill herself and I don't know if she's ever going to wake up. And Brittany... my _girlfriend, _can't be bothered to come out and see if I'm okay because she loves Rachel too and I just can't breathe anymore Matt. My life isn't supposed to turn out like this, it's just not".

"San..."

And before he can say anything else, her lips are pressed against his, and her hands are trying to unbutton his shirt and undo his belt buckle at the same time.

"San, what about Brittany?"

"Forget about Brittany. We'll never be able to repair our relationship after tonight. If Rachel pulls through, Brittany will dump me so fast my head will spin, and if Rachel dies, we'll fall apart and end up hating each other"

And her lips are back on his, and her hand is undoing buttons, and his belt buckle is getting looser and his head is spinning because he loves Santana and he hasn't done this with _her _in such a long time.

"_Get out from under their rule, and become your own person... you deserve better... you still have time to get out Matthew"_

She fells amazing in his arms, like she belongs, and he never wants to let go, but Rachel's words won't leave his head, and he knows that if they continue this now, she'll never forgive him.

"San, what about Rachel?"

Her lips pull away from his and she curls back into herself, wrapping her arms around her legs, which she's just brought up to her chin. "Just leave Matt", she whispers as her tears start to fall again.

He doesn't want to leave but if he stays, he knows that she's going to completely lose it.

"I'm sorry San" he whispers before walking away from her.

"Me too", she whispers back. He's not sure what he was apologising for, but he doesn't know what she was apologizing for either.

* * *

He walks back into the hospital as Quinn's running out and he has to fight the temptation to stick out his leg and watch her fall to the ground. That's never been his style – he doesn't do horrible things, he just plans them.

Only Mike, Brittany, Puck, Finn and Rachel's dad's are still in the waiting room. He can see them as he enters the hallway that leads towards the waiting room, and they all look completely destroyed, so he turns away from them.

He heads down to the canteen, where most of the others are, but leaves when he sees Jesse sitting at their table, all of them sitting silently, all of them with red, blotchy faces.

He walks away from them, narrowly avoiding Santana, whose eyes are red but dry, and finds a quiet room. There's a bed in the centre, and he realizes it's a trauma room of some sort, the kind that is rarely used in Lima, Ohio.

So he lies on the bed and stares at the ceiling, and allows himself to cry. He cries for himself, and for Brittany, and Santana and Mike and Puck and Finn and all of them, who have been irreversibly changed because of Rachel's actions.

* * *

He doesn't know what time it is because he never wears a watch (Santana always said that it made him look too organised and geeky).

He knows it's early, and that he's exhausted. They've all been here since about 8pm, and it's probably 2am now. He can't sleep though, because every time his eyes start to drift close, he can hear voices in his head.

His dad's voice is telling him that he can be extraordinary and Rachel's voice is telling him that he still has time to save himself.

And on the last time his eyes drift shut, they're wrenched open by an electronic beeping and voice streaming into the room (the Lima hospital is tiny, and you can hear everything that's going on everywhere).

"Code blue, fourth floor"

Rachel's on the fourth floor.

* * *

He's never run this fast before, not even in football. He can hear footsteps above him and screams from behind him (probably from the cafeteria).

He reaches the waiting room first, and it's complete and utter chaos.

Brittany has collapsed onto the floor, her sobs echoing off the walls. Mike's hovering awkwardly above her, his arms and legs shaking until he can't stand up anymore and falls back into his chair. Puck's punched his hand through the wall, ignoring the blood dripping from his knuckles.

Finn's eyes are wide, and full of tears, as he stares blindly at Rachel's door. Rachel's dad's look like their world has just fallen apart and Mr. Schue is holding Beth because Shelby's arms are wrapped tightly around her own body, like she's holding herself together.

Artie pulls Tina onto his lap, and Kurt wraps his arms around Mercedes, and Jesse stands awkwardly next to Shelby, tears rolling down his face.

And Santana... she runs into the room last, struggling to breathe from her full out sprint to the waiting room.

And when she hears the code blue, fourth floor and see's everyone's faces, she goes deathly pale, Rachel's blood standing out against her skin and her light blue cut-off jeans, and her white shirt, and she makes a sound that's a cross between a scream and a sob and her legs just give out, sending her tumbling to the floor.

No one catches her, and the dull thud of her body on the floor echoes the dull thudding of their hearts as they wait to see if Rachel's going to be okay.

* * *

**A/N: So that was Matt. Did it live up to the expectations or disappoint you? Who would you like to hear from next?**


	8. Jesse

**A/N: The order for the rest of the chapters will be as followed: Jesse, Kurt, Artie, Mr. Schue, Shelby, Emma/Sue/Figgins/Sandy, Tina, Finn, Rachel's dads, Puck's and then Rachel's. **

**I'm sorry for everyone who voted for a different order. I did take your thoughts into consideration (especially when originally there wasn't supposed to be a chapter for Jesse, Shelby, Rachel's dads and Emma/Sue/Figgins/Sandy and Quinn was supposed to be one of the last chapters) but I decided that Puck **_**had **_**to be the last one or this just wouldn't work. **

**

* * *

**

He was always supposed to be a star. There was no doubt about that. His mother signed him up for dance classes as soon as he could walk, and signing lessons as soon as he could talk. He learned to play guitar, piano and flute, and did ballet, jazz, tap and hip-hop.

He's never played sport.

And he never really questioned his life path. He just knew he was going to be famous, preferably on Broadway, but he'd settle for a career in the movies or as the latest singing sensation.

The first time he questioned his life was when he cracked an egg on Rachel Berry's forehead.

* * *

Shelby called him at 9.13pm that night, and he was torn between ignoring the call altogether or hanging up as soon as she started talking.

She'd messed up his entire life – made him fall in love with her daughter and then doubt himself when he broke said daughter's heart, before leaving him to raise Beth.

But when she whispered Rachel and Lima Hospital, his phone fell out of his hand and onto the bed and his heart started beating a million times faster.

So he gets in his car and drives to the hospital, even though he knows he shouldn't be there. Rachel's probably been in a minor car accident and Finn will probably be by her bedside because the two of them had been waiting to be together for almost a year.

(But when he gets to the hospital, he discovers that it wasn't a car accident. Not by a long shot. In fact, it wasn't even an accident).

* * *

When he ran into Rachel Berry that day at the library, while she was looking for music, he acted surprised but really, he had it planned.

Shelby had asked him to stake out the competition, namely Rachel Berry, not mentioning that they were related, and of course, he agreed.

Shelby seemed to think that Rachel was a threat, and Jesse St. James was _going _to be a star. No one would get in the way of that.

So he waited in the library because if Rachel was anything like him, she'd be in there looking at sheet music on a regular basis.

And she was, but that wasn't what he noticed first.

Her hair was long and shiny, and he really, really wanted to touch it. Her legs were incredibly long (especially for someone so small) and toned and tanned and the short skirt she was wearing did nothing to dispel the dirty images that had suddenly filled his mind.

The cardigan was disgusting though, so he photo-shopped that out, preferring to imagine her in just her bra. The knee socks, however, were extremely sexy, so those could stay.

And in that moment he decided that instead of just checking out the competition, he'd date it, because a girl that beautiful just had to be courted by Jesse St. James.

And that's what he did.

* * *

None of them see him on the outskirts of the waiting room, not even Shelby. They're all too caught up in their grief, and self-hatred, and he's kind of glad, because if they do see him, they probably won't be too happy.

He sees Santana covered in blood and he feels like he's going to throw up because that's _Rachel's _blood and he loved Rachel and he hates himself for how he ended things, and she's lying in a hospital room fighting for her life, and he helped put her there.

So he leaves the waiting room and finds a bench just a little way down the corridor. It's uncomfortable, and normally he'd refuse to even sit on it because it would affect his posture, but Rachel has always been his only exception so he curls up on the bench and stares at the wall.

He hates the fact that Rachel is in the hospital, hates the fact that she might die, hates the fact that she _wanted _to die, but he can't regret his actions.

You see, Jesse St. James is going to be a star and he can't be held down by the little people.

* * *

She bailed on sex with him once, when she was wearing an outfit that made his eyes wide and his mouth water.

He acted like a douche and stormed out, but really, he only left because he _didn't _want to hurt Rachel, and if he stayed, he'd have ended up throwing her on the bed and ravishing her against her wishes.

The next day, he heard Rachel telling Finn that they had slept together, and Finn saying that he and Santana hadn't slept together.

He was pissed at Rachel for lying and was going to confront her about it, until he stumbled across a conversation that was obviously supposed to be private.

"Santana, you can never tell Rachel what happened between us last night", Finn was whispering. Santana, always the fiery one, practically exploded, so he left.

And he transferred schools so that he could hang around more and keep an eye on this Finn character, who seemed to be lying to his girlfriend for reasons that just couldn't be trustworthy.

* * *

Santana walks past him, tears in her eyes, and Matt follows after her, less than a minute after. Neither of them see him, and he's kind of grateful.

"Jesse?"

He looks up, his eyes wide and surprised, especially when he sees Shelby in front of him.

"What are you doing here Shelby? Shouldn't you be with Beth?"

"I knew you'd be here... there's a letter with your name on it", and with that, she's gone, leaving the smell of her perfume lingering in the air, and an envelope sitting on his chest.

So he opens it, because he's never been a patient person.

* * *

Dear Jesse,

I know that you'll be a star. Just like I know that Mike is an amazing dancer and Santana has a softer side and Brittany can read people extremely well. It's just a fact.

And I know I'm not wrong about that, because there's no way Jesse St. James won't become a household name. You want it too much, just like I did, once upon a time.

But I was wrong about you as a person. I thought you were quite possibly the love of my life. I thought we'd move to New York together and conquer Broadway together and eventually have children together, and it would be one of those incredibly romantic stories that sells hundreds of thousands of magazines.

But I was wrong, and it's never hurt me more.

You see, you made me believe in myself, something that I hadn't done in a long time and when you left, smashing that egg on my head, you smashed my hopes and dreams as well.

And I may have moved on Jesse, and realized that my love for you wasn't everlasting, and merely a teenage fantasy, but my heart didn't fix itself.

You started me down this road of destruction Jesse. St James. This is on you. And I know you may never read this, or even find out what I've done, but I just needed to write it anyway, just in case.

I wanted to be a star too, Jesse. Couldn't we have shared?

* * *

He's never been blamed for anything before. He was always the perfect one – the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect singer/actor/dancer...

To be blamed for this is something he'll never be able to recover from.

(And when Jesse St. James is on his death bed at the age of sixty six, after a long battle with cancer, he's still asking himself if it was his fault).

* * *

Despite what New Directions thought, he didn't join their club to lead Rachel on and then break her heart the night before the competition so that she couldn't perform. In fact, he wasn't there to break her heart at all.

He was there (on Shelby's orders) to discover their set list and see what other talent the club had, and to get into Rachel's heart, and subsequently, her pants (his own decision because despite being a future star, he's still a teenage boy, even if he doesn't voice it often).

So he was more than a little annoyed when that stupid, stupid club (who treated Rachel like shit, by the way) planted doubts in her mind.

* * *

He leaves the note on the bench and stumbles down to the cafeteria because he needs a coffee, and if possible, a shot of something much, much stronger.

Instead he finds a table of Gleeks who look completely destroyed and a spare seat that has his name written all over it.

So he sits, and he vents and they don't interrupt him and he forgets (just for a second) that he completely hated all of them when he was in New Directions.

Well, he forgot until Santana sat down, (with her red, blotchy and puffy face) and he remembered just how ungrateful, spoiled and downright bitchy they all were.

And then the table falls into silence.

* * *

His feelings for Rachel were real, despite what everyone thought. He wanted her for more than just sex... wanted to know everything about her, and together, he believes that they could conquer Broadway, until Shelby ruins that.

She calls him one night and asks him to meet her at the auditorium after school, which he does. And she casually informs him that Rachel is her daughter and that his job wasn't just to scope out the competition, but to lead Rachel back to her birth mother.

He's given a tape and told to slip it to Rachel in a way that won't raise questions, or make it apparent that the tape was from Jesse himself.

And it works, because Rachel is so eager to please him, and so curious about her mother, and it's one of the easiest things he's ever done.

* * *

They have a mess of a relationship and he never really knows what is going on between them. She triple-casts him in her stupid "Run Joey Run" video, even though he's her boyfriend and wanted to do something nice for her. Plus, his part of the video is shorter than _Finn's _and miniscule compared to _Puck_, the boy Rachel dated for all of a week.

And yeah, they break up after that video, and he says she broke his heart, because really, that pain in his chest is _not _indigestion, but they aren't over, not by a long shot.

He doesn't know if he'll ever be done with Rachel Berry, so he just doesn't completely end it.

* * *

Code blue, fourth floor; code blue...

* * *

He keeps in contact with her while he's away with his friends and when he comes back, he realizes just how much he misses her.

So he's back in New Directions for a while, but not completely, because Shelby's pressuring him to get out now, and his Vocal Adrenaline team mates, who he just went away with, want him back, and he has to put his future above everything else.

That's why he eggs her, despite the fact that she's a vegan.

It has to be over because even though he loves Rachel Berry, he loves his dreams more. And it has to be done in a way that leaves no chance of reconciliation, because Rachel is persistent and stubborn and she has to realize that it's over.

So when his team suggests egging her, he agrees.

* * *

And they've jumped into action, because the fourth floor was deserted, apart from their ragged group with their tears and sobs and blood stained hands.

Tina is pushing Artie through the hospital as fast as she possibly can, while Kurt sprints ahead of Mercedes, who can't run very fast.

He follows after them, not even realizing that they've left Santana until they reach the fourth floor waiting room and she's not there.

He's tempted to go and find her, to make sure she hasn't done something stupid, when she crashes into the room and straight to the floor, screaming and crying at the same time.

* * *

When Vocal Adrenaline beat New Directions, he wasn't surprised. Sure, they had talented members but overall, they just couldn't compete with Vocal Adrenaline.

But a little part of him wasn't happy at the win. A little part of him felt sick when he looked over and saw the look on Rachel's face. And that little part just got bigger and bigger when he found out that their Glee club might just end, and when he heard that Shelby had adopted Beth, he wasn't at all pleased about winning.

Because even though he'd hurt Rachel when he'd ended things with her, he didn't want to see her in pain. It's why he walked away as soon as that egg was smashed in her hair, because she gets this look in her eyes, like something is wrong with the world and it makes him want to fix it.

So he finds her in the crowd and goes over to ask if she's okay. He's going to ask her if she'll move to Carmel and by extension, Vocal Adrenaline, somewhere that her talent can be truly appreciated, but Finn's hovering awkwardly and Puck glares at him as soon as he sees him.

So he turns around and walks away.

Why didn't he ask her then, back when it wasn't too late?"

* * *

Code blue, fourth floor; code blue fourth floor...

"No, no, no; this can't be happening" (Mike); "Oh god, oh god, oh god" (Matt); "Ray... Ray... Ray..." (Brittany)...

Finn's crying, Puck's cursing and hitting a wall, and everyone else is silent. Except Santana, whose practically hyperventilating on the floor.

And he agrees with Mike; this can't be happening, because she's Rachel Berry and she's supposed to be the strong one.

* * *

The music store wasn't the first time he saw Rachel Berry. It was the first time he _met _her, but he'd seen her before.

You see, Lima is a small town, and there are only so many places in the town that encourage children to reach their full artistic potential.

He'd leave the community centre after his vocal lessons and she'd be walking in. He'd be heading to the dancing studio for his lessons (one about an hour's drive from his house) and she'd be walking out, hand in hand with an Asian boy (he'd later realize this was Mike) and a bubbly blonde (who he'd later learn was "ditzy Brittany").

She was on the fringe of his life for a long; long time until one day she wasn't (she started to take private vocal lessons and did dancing at the local school instead of driving an hour out of town). And even though she didn't know he existed, he kind of missed her.

She was him in girl form and he wanted to see if she was lonely too. He wanted to see if she wanted to be a star more than anything else, he wanted to see if she felt that she _had _to make her parents proud...

Most of all, he wanted to see if she needed a friend because he really, really did.

* * *

"She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now", the nurse addressed the room, a small smile on her face.

Santana's still on the floor and so is Brittany, but the girls aren't looking at each other, which is odd because he's sure they're in a relationship.

The Latina turns and glares at him, which he takes as his cue to leave. He isn't welcome here, no matter how much of his heart belongs to Rachel Berry.

So he leaves, or attempts to anyway, but he gets caught in the car park by the vicious blonde he always hated.

_Quinn. _

_

* * *

_

"Look St. James, I don't know what you're doing in Glee but I'm going to have to ask you to stop", the blonde, pregnant ex-cheerleader cornered him after one of their practices, the first one he attended since he returned from holiday with his Vocal Adrenaline friends.

"Excuse me?"

"I need Glee okay? It's stupid most of the time but those people still respect me after everything I've done. That's hard to come by. I don't care if you want to break Rachel's heart or ruin her life or whatever you're planning, in fact, I encourage it, but don't you dare destroy this club", she hissed.

"I don't think I understand", he replied tightly, his arms folded across his chest.

"You can do whatever you want to Rachel Berry, but you can't hurt this club. The club is mine, and I will fight for it and I will win. Rachel, you can have, but not Glee. Understood?"

"I'm not here to hurt Rachel or your Glee club", he denies (even though Shelby has already told him that he needs to return to Camel and leave Rachel behind).

"Oh please St. James, I can see right through your act. Rachel is fair game, but Glee is off limits. I'm not going to say it again", she says one last time, before flicking her hair and walking away.

* * *

"Quinn", he says curtly as he walks past her on the way to his car.

"Jesse... what are you doing here?"

He doesn't answer that because really, it's a stupid question. He loved (_loves) _Rachel Berry and there's no way he wouldn't show up for this. "Why are you here Quinn?"

"I honestly don't know", the blonde whispers, "I thought that she was dead when I got to the hospital and it just seemed like everything was finally swinging in my favour. I thought that the rest of glee would need someone to comfort them, and maybe that someone could be me. I thought it was finally _my _turn".

"You shouldn't be here Quinn"

"I've already left once but I turned around and came back here because if my parents found out that I left someone alone in a hospital... they'd throw me out of their house again"

It's silent for a while, and he really wants to just walk away from her and get in his car. He wants to drive somewhere quiet and just break down and reread the letter he picked up on the way out of the hospital (and if he's being honest with himself, he'll _cry_).

So he does walk away and maybe there's a smirk on his face when he does, because he's almost certain that Quinn's not used to people walking away from her.

His smirk disappears when he hears her parting words.

"Why can they forgive you when they won't be able to forgive me? I did this _for them_ because I love them. You were just a jerk. Why won't they forgive me?"

* * *

He reads his letter again and again and cries just like he knew he would, because its Rachel's writing and its _Rachel's _suicide note to him, and they'd both always thought that letter writing was romantic.

If she ever wrote him a letter, it was supposed to be romantic. It wasn't supposed to be this.

He was supposed to be finished with Rachel Berry, so why does it still hurt so much?

* * *

Three days later, his bags are packed and ready, and he's just waiting for news. He gets a call from Shelby and she's telling him news about Rachel and her condition.

He hangs up the phone as soon as she's finished talking and throws his bags into his car, before driving off.

He doesn't stop at the hospital, doesn't stop at the Berry house, doesn't do anything but drive out of Lima and towards New York.

(He's never apologised for anything before and he doesn't know how to repent for this).

* * *

He conquers New York, just like he always knew he would. He conquers Broadway, just like he always wanted to. He moves into movies and becomes a successful recording artist and Jesse St James is a household name. _Everyone _knows who he is.

But that's a clause in his contract, one that every person he works with has to sign off on. At the end of every movie, at the end of the credits, _Sorry _rolls across the screen.

In every thank you speech he gives, he says sorry at the end. In every album, he writes sorry in his thankyou section.

He knows she'll never see it, but it makes him feel better. It makes him feel that maybe, if she knew how he felt about everything, she wouldn't hate him.

So he says sorry, and the magazines speculate over why he's saying sorry, and who he's saying it too, and people claim that it's to them, but only he knows that it's to Rachel Berry, the girl from Lima Ohio who should be standing next to him right now.

* * *

He's diagnosed with a terminal illness (cancer) at the age of 63. He fights, valiantly, for three years, because he's never been a quitter.

The public rallies around him, and there are tears and tributes from fans, and Jesse St. James is more famous in death than he was in life.

It's a Tuesday when he quietly slips away (_Tuesday_ – the same day when Rachel took that blade to her arm). He has his letter from her clutched in his hand because after all this time, he's still in love with Rachel Barbara Berry from Lima, Ohio.

He's had girlfriends and one night stands, and he's been close to marriage a couple of times, but on his death bed, he's thinking about the girlfriend he had when he was sixteen years old.

"Was it my fault?" he whispers quietly.

"Of course not", his manager whispers back, without even knowing what Jesse was asking about.

And that's that. Jesse St. James dies less than twenty minutes later, and although his manager swore it wasn't his fault, Jesse has come to the conclusion that it really, really was.

* * *

In his will, he leaves everything to charity.

* * *

"The sorry's were for Rachel Barbara Berry, from Lima, Ohio".

It's written on a piece of paper and was attached to the will and it's not long before everyone knows just what happened in Lima, Ohio all those years ago.

(The story of Rachel Berry breaks less than a week later and is splashed over every magazine, her smiling face staring at the general public.

Lima, Ohio sells the most copies).


	9. Kurt

**A/N: Sorry about the delay. I've been on holiday with my family, and I've had guests over from England, and limited computer access, and extra work shifts because of the Christmas rush, and barely anytime for myself. **

**I've also had writer's block, because I've never been very good at writing Kurt. Probably because Kurt on the show annoys me most of the time. This is an unbeta'd chapter because I wanted to get it up as soon as it was done, so all mistakes are mine. **

**This chapter is dedicated to McChanged, who you can find on my favourite author's list. While helping with her new story (which is amazing, and already promising an exciting journey) and rereading her other story (which just had Rachel's chapter posted, and will eat at your soul and fill your need for angst), she solved my writers block. So thanks to the talented and very, very wonderful McChanged. Go read her stories. **

**

* * *

**

He's sitting in the hospital waiting room and he doesn't remember how he got here. Well, he remembers how he got _here, _because Carole driving him and a crying Finn to the hospital isn't easy to forget, but he doesn't remember how he got to this point in his life.

So he stays quiet, which is unusual for him, because he always has something to say. He can't even critique the appalling range of outfits in the room, so he knows that something's wrong.

He just sits and watches and he feels like he's an outsider looking in. He can hear his friends crying and he can see them whispering or staring at the wall or hyperventilating. He knows that they're hurting and that they probably need someone to comfort them right about now, but he doesn't feel like he belongs with them.

And then it hits him, as he sits there pondering the strange empty feeling in his chest...

Is this how Rachel felt?

* * *

Back in primary school, he was that kid who sat in the corner by himself because no one wanted to be his friend. He wore clothes that were too fancy for the playground, he didn't have a mum to bring in cookies for his birthday and he didn't like sports like the other boys did.

Back in primary school, Rachel Berry was popular.

She was best friends with Mike Chang and Brittany Pierce and she'd bring in cookies not just on her birthday but on other people's birthdays. She drew pretty stars on her pages and she, Mike and Brittany would dance at recess or lunch if anyone asked them too.

In high school, he wasn't _popular _but he had _friends. _

He joined Glee, and he had friends for the first time in his life. Mercedes liked fashion, Tina liked musicals (although she promised that she'd kill him if he mentioned that to anyone) and Artie liked music. They liked _him. _

In high school, Rachel Berry was popular and she didn't have friends.

She didn't have Brittany Pierce and Mike Chang. No one wanted to be friends with the ambitious girl who knew what she wanted to do with her life because it made them feel like a failure.

And even though he wanted to be Rachel's friend all through primary school, he left her alone now. He pretends it's because she wasn't his friend when he needed one, but really, that's a lie. She was there, with cookies and hugs and smiles, but he doesn't want to lose what little he has now for a girl that's always just there.

* * *

He's never seen his step-brother this upset before, especially over Rachel Berry. His eyes are red and he's still sobbing, even though they've been in the hospital for thirty minutes.

The ironic part is that he's crying for Rachel Berry as he sits next to Quinn Fabray, the blonde ice-queen.

That was always Finn Hudson's problem. He couldn't make up his mind. He had to try and have them both, when Rachel shouldn't have been an option. That's why they're in this mess right now.

It's all Finn Hudson's fault.

(He knows, deep down, that it's not all Finn's fault but it'd be so much easier if it was).

* * *

His first day of high school was, without a doubt, the scariest day of his life. He knew he was gay, and unpopular, and he had heard rumours about the torturous ways the sports teams bullied anyone who was even slightly different – he was completely and utterly terrified.

So, on that day, he donned a pair of jeans and a casual polo shirt, ignoring the "designer" clothes hanging in the back of his wardrobe.

And it worked. He blended in (at least for a little while), and he managed to walk through the corridors of McKinley High without being thrown in a dumpster or receiving a slushy facial. Eventually, as his real personality emerged, he was put on the list of targets, but his first day was kind of perfect.

(He walked in and saw Rachel wearing a short skirt that was really quite nice and a blouse with strawberry shaped buttons. Overall, she looked good, until she saw the knee socks she was wearing, paired with the ugly Mary-janes.

So really, when the slushy hit her in the face, it was a favour to fashion).

* * *

Santana's hand leaves a red, red print on Quinn's white, white cheek and he has to bite back a gasp. Mercedes is his best friend but _Quinn_... she understands him.

She points out cute guys and helps him buy clothes (not that he needs help but it's nice to have a friend who cares) and she's just always there; she's been there since she found out that Finn slept with Santana _and _Rachel while they were dating.

And he understands why Santana can't look at Quinn right now, because she loved Rachel, but really, it's not Quinn's fault. Quinn had every reason to hate Rachel Berry.

Rachel stole Finn, Santana and Puck, everything that rightfully belonged to Quinn Fabray. She was allowed to be mad and upset and pissed at Rachel Berry, and if Rachel hadn't tried to kill herself, Quinn would have carried on hating Rachel without anyone caring.

But Rachel did try to kill herself, and now Santana can't look at Quinn, and the others are going to turn on her soon enough and it's not her fault. No one stood up for Rachel while she needed it the most – none of them cared – and they only care now because something extreme happened.

It makes him feel sick. At least Quinn's behaviour was consistent.

* * *

His dad gives him a measly monthly budget to spend on clothes because being a mechanic in Lima, Ohio isn't _that _profitable. It's generally not enough to buy everything he wants, so he limits himself to one designer item a month, instead of numerous cheap items.

Once though, he saw a jacket that was to die for and he had to have it. He saved up for six months and bought the jacket, wearing it proudly to school the next day. It was a Monday and although it was so long ago, he remembers it clearly. He practically strutted around the place, as if he owned it, with no fear of slushies or dumpster dives or any of the jocks.

Before he knew it, he was being hoisted in the air and before he had a chance to scream, he was thrown straight into a dumpster.

His brand new jacket (his one thousand, two hundred dollar jacket) was ruined when he landed straight in the mush the cafeteria had served up as lunch lay in the dumpster for an hour and cried until a janitor took pity on him and helped him out. A whole hour, lying amongst garbage, just because he'd worn something he'd liked to school.

(It was one of the worst hours of his life).

* * *

"Are you the family of Rachel Berry?" a nurse asks, and he waits for some of the club to stand up and say yes.

None of them do though, and he's kind of grateful for that. It they stood up, and he didn't, they'd have all turned their back on him too, just like they're starting to turn their back on Quinn.

He couldn't cope with that. He needs these people; he needs the slight bit of popularity he's gained... he needs someone to care if he wakes up in the morning.

He needs to not end up like Rachel.

* * *

One time, after a particularly tough morning (a slushy facial followed by a dumpster dive), he decided to skip the rest of the school day. He hadn't brought spare clothes and he just didn't feel like facing the rest of the school.

So he walked to the sports field and sat on the bleacher, enjoying the feeling of the sun shining on his face, and the wind blowing gently through his hair.

He stopped relaxing when Quinn Fabray - the captain of the cheerio's, the HBIC, the girl with the perfect bone structure – walked underneath the bleachers.

He edged closer until he could hear her conversation.

"He deserves everything he gets. Homosexuality is a sin. God created men and women to fall in love and reproduce, and Kurt Hummel is going against God's wishes. He deserves to be punished", Quinn says harshly. She's obviously trying to convince someone that the torture they've been inflicting on him is deserved.

He never finds out who she was talking to that day.

(That day, he vows never to forgive Quinn Fabray, but over time, her soft smiles and her sad, yet sparkling eyes, worm their way into his heart).

* * *

There are notes for every single one of them. The envelopes are white – white as snow – and it looks so innocent. It makes his eyes tear up because none of the people in this room are innocent.

His name is written on the outside in black, black ink, and he wonders if that's a metaphor for his heart (she always thought metaphors were important) but everyone else's name is written in black as well.

He waits for someone else to open their letter before he dares to open his.

* * *

When I started writing these letters, I wanted to give you guys something nice to remember me by. I wanted you to realize what you'd done, and be filled with remorse, but be able to move on because I offered my forgiveness. I thought it was dramatic and fitting, and so Rachel Berry.

But when I started writing them, all I could think was how horrible you'd all been to me and how you have all driven me to this. I just couldn't offer you my forgiveness.

Kurt, we have so many things in common. We were both divas, with a love for Broadway. We both loved musicals and we both knew what it was like to be bullied. We could have banded together throughout everything we were put through.

You chose Quinn though, just like everyone else did, at one time or another. I don't understand why you chose Quinn. She doesn't understand you – she doesn't really care about you. She's trying to get between you and Mercedes so that you only have her left in your life. She wants you to be alone just like she is.

Because Quinn Fabray may be surrounded by people, and they may worship the ground she walks on but none of them truly like her. None of them stayed by her side when she got pregnant, or fell from grace and she will never forgive them for that. She'll never be truly happy until she's ruined everyone else, and made them feel the same pain she felt for all those months.

And one day, when she feels like everyone has truly paid for what they did to her; she'll turn her back on you Kurt. And you'll call her, and text her and e-mail her and go round to her house and try and speak to her in school, but she'll ignore you. She'll cut you out of her life like you never existed, and you'll be tortured by everyone else in the school because Quinn will order them to do it.

It happened to me once. I know how it feels. I wish you didn't have to go through that because no one deserves it, but I know that you will, because you aren't going to believe me.

It's kind of sad really, that you were so horrid and so hurtful to me when all I ever did was try to be your friend. Yet, here I am, preparing to die, and all I'm trying to do is save you from some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. That's the kind of person I am... the kind of person I was.

You should have picked me, Kurt. I'd have been the most amazing friend. I _was _the most amazing friend to a lot of people, but it was never ever enough. Brittany, Mike, Santana, Finn, Noah... I gave them everything I had but it still wasn't enough.

Maybe it was a good thing you didn't pick me over Quinn. I don't think I could have taken another betrayal. Maybe it was better that you were mean to my face, instead of sticking the knife in my back after I let you into my heart.

I suppose a thank you is in order then.

Thank you Kurt Hummel.

* * *

Noah Puckerman was the first boy he ever had a crush on. Those eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief and his hair was unique and he somehow pulled off the haircut and those tight shirts that would have looked stupid on any other boy.

But then Puck picked him up and threw him in a dumpster.

* * *

Finn Hudson was the second (and final) boy he had a crush on. Puck was getting ready to throw him in a dumpster yet again, when this tall, gangly looking boy stopped him.

"Puck, we've talked about this..."

They were the most beautiful words Kurt had ever heard. Finally, someone realized just how wrong this whole dumpster diving business was.

"You have to take anything valuable off of him first. I can't afford dry-cleaning bills, or a new phone or anything like that"

And with that, Finn Hudson walked away, but Kurt's new favourite jacket was saved. After that, Finn Hudson was his knight in shining armour; his prince charming.

(And after everything that's happened, his heart still beats faster when he sees Finn walking around the corner).

* * *

"What did your note say?" Mercedes whispers in his ear as soon as she finishes reading her letter. Her hand is wound tightly around his and its comforting. They've haven't been that close recently and he's only just realized how much he missed it.

He just shrugs his shoulders and rests his head against her, too tired to read the note to her. He's too tired to even pass the note over to her.

And because she's Mercedes, and she's been his best friend for a while now, she knows to just drop it.

(He doesn't want her to know because he's ashamed)

* * *

Mercedes can sew really, really well. She came into school one day, looking fabulous, and when he asked where she got it from, she told him that she'd made it herself.

It looked so expensive, and was such high quality that no one could tell it was homemade.

So, because of his measly budget and his love of clothes, he asked her to teach him how to design outfits and operate a sewing machine.

She brought her sewing machine round to his house and taught him all the stuff he'd need to know and he saved for months and months and bought the best sewing machine available.

And so he started designing his own clothes. He'd base them off something he saw in a magazine so it would look just like a designer item, and then he'd stitch in a famous fashion house label (that he scored from the trash).

And no one was any wiser. They all just thought his dad was rich and that he spent a fortune on designer items.

* * *

Santana's the first one to leave, which honestly surprises him. He thought, based on the look of grief on her face, that she wouldn't leave until she was forced to.

But she does leave, causing a big scene as she does so, and it's the closest he's come to smiling all night. It's just so dramatic and divaish.

It's so _Rachel. _

She would have loved it.

* * *

When Quinn suggested that they dethrone Rachel and vote in a new captain of glee, he was the second one to agree (after Mercedes).

Because maybe, if Rachel wasn't the captain of the club, Finn would stop watching her and stop listening to her and stop spending time outside of school with her (because all of glee knew about the summer friendship between Rachel, Finn and Noah).

So he agrees and when it comes time to vote for the new captain, he really wants to be nominated. He really wants to win.

But Mr. Schue says it has to be a girl, so he votes for Quinn, and ends all of his chances with Finn once and for all, because he and the blonde beauty will be back together before the end of the week.

* * *

Rachel's dads give them permission to do what they need to do, and Mercedes drags him, Tina and Artie down to the cafeteria, away from all the crying and silence that presses down on you until you can't breathe.

He talks about all his clothing choices (he plans ahead), leaving spaces for Tina to laugh and nod appreciatively. He stops when he sees Mercedes face, because it has a slight green tinge to it, and it's obvious she feels incredibly sick.

"How could Rachel do this?" he asks, wanting Mercedes to know that he hasn't forgotten why they're here (he'll never, ever forget why they were here).

No one answers. He's glad because it was a rhetorical question.

(No one wants to hear how horrible they've been to Rachel Berry).

* * *

Quinn asked them (he and Mercedes) to burn Rachel's clothes, and this time, he was the first to agree with her.

After all, Rachel's clothes were atrocious, and he'd be doing everyone at McKinley High a huge favour. No one should be subjected to the short skirt, knee socks, Mary Janes and animal sweaters. It just wasn't right.

So Mercedes stole the clothes and he lit the match, and he watched any chance of reconciliation between him and Rachel go up in flames.

(He didn't care though, because the flames were forging a stronger relationship between him and Quinn Fabray).

* * *

Jesse St. James stumbles into the cafeteria, and Santana comes across their small group soon after. They sit there in silence because Jesse and Santana don't get on at the best of times, and Santana looks like any little thing could provoke her.

He hates the silence because in his mind, he's replaying every single interaction he had with Rachel since primary school, and it's making him feel sick.

She never did anything to him to deserve what he's done to her.

Throughout primary school, she was nice to him when no one else was. She brought in cookies for his birthday, just like she did for everyone else's birthday. She gave him gold star stickers when it was free time and he was drawing pictures. She treated him the exact same way that she treated everyone else – unlike all the other kids in their class.

And he repayed her by stabbing her in the back.

* * *

"Code blue, fourth floor"

_Crap_.

* * *

Brittany has collapsed on the floor, and she's sobbing. Her face is red and blotchy and she's struggling to breathe and his eyes fill with tears just looking at her. Mike is standing next to her until he can't take it, and his legs give way, sending him spiralling back into his chair.

Finn's still crying and he can't tear his eyes away from Rachel's door, while Rachel's dad's look like they've just had the ground knocked out from under them. Mr. Schue is holding a baby that must be Beth, because Shelby's standing next to him, her arms wrapped around her chest.

Artie has Tina sitting on his lap, because somehow they got here before he managed too, and Jesse has made his way over to Shelby, his arm outstretched like he was about to comfort his former coach but thought better of it.

So he wraps his arms around Mercedes as though he's comforting one of his best friends, but once again, he's being selfish. He needs someone to support him.

Mercedes is forgotten when Santana runs into the room though.

She's panting, her face red because she may be fit from all the cheerleading but she isn't a runner. When she sees Brittany on the floor though, her face pales, and his eyes are drawn to the red, red blood that's stained her skin and clothes.

Her legs give out, just like Mike, and she falls down beside Brittany. She lets out a sound that causes the tears that have welled up in his eyes to roll down his cheeks and suddenly, he's struggling to breathe as well. He didn't love Rachel like Santana, Brittany, Mike, Puck and Finn did, but he can't lose her. Not now when he's just realized that he needs her.

* * *

The "code blue, fourth floor" message repeats itself and the room falls silent. Except for Puck and Santana, and he now realizes why these two didn't work out. They're too similar, too aggressive, and if they had been together for any longer, they would have exploded and caused major damage to everyone around them.

Puck's cursing and hitting the wall, and he's bleeding too, and Santana is still crying on the floor, next to Brittany, who has fallen silent.

When Santana sees that Puck is bleeding, her face goes even paler and her eyes go all wide and she pushes herself just a little bit further away from her ex-boyfriend. She's never, ever going to be able to recover from this night.

* * *

Eventually, a nurse comes out to speak to them. She has a smile on her face but the news doesn't seem to be all that good. "She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now"

This isn't good news.

A girl that just tried to kill herself isn't going to be fighting all that hard. She's always been stubborn, and firm on every decision she's ever made, and she's chosen to die.

This isn't good news but he can't give up hope yet. Everyone else has given up hope, especially Santana and Brittany who aren't even looking at each other (despite the fact they're sitting less than a metre apart), so he needs to believe that Rachel will pull through this.

He _has _to believe that Rachel will pull through this.

(It's not just because he realizes he was wrong now... he needs her to explain her letter because the Quinn he knows wouldn't do those things that Rachel wrote).

* * *

He's not religious. He doesn't believe in a higher power. Not like Mercedes or Quinn, or even Puck who reminds them all frequently that he's Jewish.

But tonight, he goes to the hospital church and he prays. He prays for himself, and his best friends, Quinn and Mercedes. He prays for Tina and Artie. He prays for his step-brother. He prays for Mike and Matt. He prays (well, just mentions them in his prayer) for Shelby and Jesse and Mr. Schue and... _Beth_. He even prays for Brittany and Santana.

But mostly, he prays for Rachel, and not those silly little prayers he used to say under his breath ("Dear God, please say she's not really wearing _that"_), but proper prayers, with begging and pleading and tears rolling down his cheeks (he hasn't cried this much in a long time).

He just hopes his prayers are answered.


	10. Artie

**A/N: So, here's Artie. I quite like this chapter, especially the ending and little bits throughout the chapter, and I hope you feel the same. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter – this one is for you. I know people are on holiday and getting ready for Christmas etc. so it really meant a lot to me that you guys still read the chapter and commented on it. **

**Gleek06216 – I'm glad I'm back to updating too! I have the rest of the story planned out in my head, and I hope you'll be onboard for the rest of the story. **

**Seacat03 – Thank you so much. I was really worried about Kurt's chapter, so thanks for the compliment. **

**HayHaygirl404 – First off, thanks for the review. I've never thought of Rachel as popular in elementary school before this story, but hey, I already made her friends with Mike and Brittany, and loved by Santana and Puck and Finn, so why not. I thought it was appropriate for her and Kurt to have switched places completely. **

**Lil0 – Thanks for the review! Here's the next chapter – it's the quickest I've ever updated. **

**McChanged – Now you know how I feel when I read your stories. You're awesome too; can't wait to hear from you again. **

**Ritagarcia45 – That's how I wanted to portray Kurt. He's very much like Quinn although it isn't necessarily intentional. It's just because he wants to be loved, and I wanted to show that he isn't completely evil. **

**xx-ChloeAnn-xx – You have no idea how much your review meant to me. My heart just swelled when I read it. **

**Twilight Gleek – Thanks for the review. It's nice to hear from you. And I've updated, just for you. **

**NikkiMc1001 – Thank you so much. That is so flattering. You literally made my day, so thanks so much. There'll be a lot more coming from me in the future. **

**NotSorry – I'm glad you liked it. I hope you like this one too!**

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* * *

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The Glee club is supposed to be a family, and most of the time, they are. Artie has Tina and Kurt and Mercedes, and occasionally Finn, and they aren't always nice to each other, but they're always nice to him.

And he thinks that maybe it's enough, having three or four people to care about him, because it's three or four people more than he normally has.

But then something like _this_ happens (he can't say attempted-suicide because it'll make it real) to someone like _her _(he can't say Rachel because she's supposed to be the strong one) and it makes him realize that three or four people aren't enough.

Not when there were so many more people just waiting to be loved.

* * *

He was eight and his mum was driving them home from a party. She'd been drinking – not too much – and was definitely a little tipsy.

She didn't see the truck coming towards them until it was too late, and her slamming on the brakes just made everything worse because they were just sitting there, waiting for the truck to crash into them.

The only good thing that come out of the "accident" (after eight years, he still can't admit it was his mum's fault) was that his mum didn't feel anything.

Her death was instant.

He didn't die though. He was just condemned to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Sometimes, when no one's around, he asks God why he didn't die instead of his mum.

(He's never been given an answer).

* * *

Santana called Brittany, Brittany called Puck, Puck called Finn, Finn called Kurt, Kurt called Mercedes, Mercedes called Tina, Tina called Artie...

And when it came down to Artie, he had no one to call.

It's the story of his life really: he has all this important stuff to tell people, all this gossip he hears because people don't see him – he's the most knowledgeable person at McKinley High, but he has no one to share his stories with.

* * *

When he gets the call from Tina, he has to take himself to the hospital. His dad's asleep and won't enjoy being woken up and no one in the Glee club has a car that will be able to take him there comfortably.

He rolls himself one hundred metres down the street to the hospital.

(He's lived down the road since the accident – since most of his time was spent between the four walls of the hospital).

* * *

He hates hospitals and everything they stand for. He hates the smell, and the feel of death in the air, and he hates the tears people cry.

He's spent most of his life in this hospital: months after the car accident, then weeks of therapy, then fortnightly visits... He's spent more time in the hospital than in school.

Tonight though, the waiting room looks different, because his family is there: Tina, Mercedes, Kurt and Finn. They're all sitting in those chairs, and they're all falling apart, and they need someone to help them.

He's always been their rock, but he doesn't know if he can do it anymore.

* * *

His dad blames him for the accident. If he hadn't been at that party, his mum wouldn't have been in the car, and she wouldn't be dead.

He's never said it out loud, but Artie's heard him at night, asking God to give him back his wife and take his son instead because he's just not strong enough to do this.

Artie and his dad have nothing in common except for what they hope, wish, _pray _for every single night.

* * *

He's helped everyone in Glee at one stage or another. He's held Tina while she cried over her parent's divorce, and he listened to Mike ranting about dancing and football. He's gone out of his way to comfort Kurt after each slushy attack, and he's forced himself to make conversation with Matt so the jock doesn't feel excluded.

He's helped everyone but Rachel really.

* * *

When he was in the hospital after the accident, no one came to visit him. The kids from school sent flowers and cards and chocolates and his dad would make an effort to stop by when he wasn't drunk or wallowing in his own grief.

Rachel Berry visited though.

She'd come every single day, and she'd sing to him. She'd tell him stories and make him laugh about Brittany's silly antics. She'd bake him cookies and bring him videos and she was the nicest person he ever met.

Sometimes, she'd bring Brittany and Mike with her, one on either side of her, all three of them holding hands, and they'd put on puppet shows and other things that seem stupid when you remember them, but at the time, they were his lifeline.

And when the doctor told him that he was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he asked Rachel to stop visiting.

* * *

Puck's the last one to walk in and Quinn's trailing behind him. He knows those two are fighting – her eyes are constantly narrowed, and she wears this pinched, angry expression all the time.

Puck's eyes no longer follow Quinn as she walks, instead focusing on other girls. He looks at girls that aren't temptations (Santana, Brittany) but that smile that used to light up his face whenever Quinn looked at him... well, that's long gone.

He turns his head away from the pair of them, concentrating on Tina instead.

* * *

Once upon a time, he had a huge crush on Quinn. She was pregnant at the time, and it was after Finn, before Puck, and he'd wheel her between all her classes just so he could spend time with her. She literally glowed, and he'd never seen anyone that beautiful before.

Now she has that pinched look on her face all the time, and she looks like she's ready to kill someone if they even look at her wrong, and he can't remember the beautiful girl who used to light up his world.

* * *

Santana's yelling, and her face is all red and flushed and she looks so alive and feisty – all passion, no restraint. Then Quinn's whispering words back, her hair perfectly in place, and her ice-queen persona available for all to see.

He kind of likes the slapping sound he hears when Santana's hand makes contact with Quinn's face.

* * *

He did school work and assignments and homework in the hospital, so when he was finally released, he was allowed back into the same class as Rachel, Brittany and Mike.

The three of them were inseparable as ever, and his heart swelled a little bit when she smiled at him and pushed one of her cookies across the table.

Those three were nice to him when everyone else thought he was a freak in a wheelchair and didn't know how to act around him.

He would've sat with them at lunch, but Mike was showing off a dance move he'd spent weeks practicing, and Brittany and Rachel were copying him in an effort to learn it for dance class tonight (they wanted to impress their teacher).

So he sat by himself until a girl with blue highlighter streaks in her hair came and sat down next to him. She spoke with a stutter, and her smile didn't light up her eyes (like Rachel's) or make her look like an angel (like Brittany's) but it made her eyes crinkle up and it still looked really pretty.

She wasn't perfect, but neither was he, so they spent lunch swapping spring rolls that her mum made for the peanut butter sandwiches he had made.

* * *

Tina was his best friend through primary school, and his only friend in high school, so when she wanted to sign up for the singing club, he decided to sign up too.

And Rachel was there, and she said that comment about him being in a wheelchair, and that there was nothing ironic about show choir, before storming off. He ignored the sinking feeling in his chest (Rachel had always been the most supportive one). "No wonder she doesn't have any friends", he told the rest of the glee kids. Mercedes and Kurt laughed, but Tina looked at him with this disappointed look on her face, because he'd told her the story of Rachel visiting him in hospital so he tore his eyes away from hers and spent the rest of the afternoon talking to Mercedes and Kurt.

And when he rolls himself outside after practice, and he sees Rachel in the parking lot, he tries to ignore doesn't work, because she sees everything, and she spends the next five minutes apologizing for "being so inconsiderate and neglectful of your feelings".

(And when she's finished, he doesn't say anything – choosing to turn his back on her once and for all).

* * *

They ask for family and he wants to stand up and scream: announce that he is Rachel Berry's family, that he belongs to Rachel Berry.

But he can't stand, and he's never been dramatic (that's always been _her _thing), and everyone else is just sitting quietly, waiting for the moment to pass, so he doesn't say anything.

After all, if Brittany and Mike don't count as family, who does?

* * *

_Coma... coma... coma... coma... coma_

He has medical knowledge on almost everything in the world – he knows what each doctor's look means and he can even decode that illegible doctor's scrawl – but he knows hardly anything about a coma. What little he does know, he's learnt from movies, and in movies, the person in the coma usually dies.

But it's _Rachel _and she can't die. Surely someone's figured that out by now – this is good news. Rachel's a fighter; she's going to get through this. He wants to tell them this but he looks at their faces, and they're all fighting back tears. Brittany looks shell-shocked and _Santana_ is whimpering.

It's not good.

* * *

He's never seen his name written this nicely before. Tina has this almost illegible scrawl (it used to be endearing in primary school but now it's just annoying) and Kurt and Mercedes never write his name (they don't send notes to him, only to each other).

But the envelope with his name on is stark white, and his name is written in black swirly writing (calligraphy, he hears Santana whisper).He really doesn't want to open it, because things this beautiful should not be destroyed. As he's staring at his envelope, he realizes it's a metaphor for Rachel.

She's that beautiful thing that shouldn't be destroyed.

* * *

Artie, I always wondered if you could feel yourself breaking in that car accident. It's a morbid thing to think about but I just wanted to know.

I could feel myself breaking.

You broke physically, and I broke emotionally. We're more similar than you ever realized Artie. I wonder why you didn't help me. I helped you.

I remember the cookies and the puppet shows and the stories I would tell you. I remember Brittany, Mike and I visiting you, when our only goal was to make you smile.

I guess everyone has a different set of standards they hold themself to. Mine were to put other people's happiness before mine, and to help anyone that needed me. Why did no one else have these standards? Why did they derive pleasure from hurting me? More importantly, why didn't you stop to help me?

I know I upset you on the first day of glee, but I apologized. I meant it too. I didn't mean to upset you; I just wanted glee to work _so _badly. Was it really necessary to turn your back on me, to leave me behind as you rolled away? You knew that Brittany and Mike didn't want to be my friends anymore, hadn't been my friends for over a year. You knew that I was being tortured – slushies, and insults, and eggings, and pee balloons thrown at my windows – but you still left me.

You may not have broken me, but you didn't help me pick up the pieces. I tried to help you pick up the pieces after the accident... was it so much to ask for you to do the same for me?

I guess so.

* * *

When he finds out that Tina's been faking her stutter, he's angry, upset and completely and utterly betrayed.

It's not the fact that Tina's suddenly not perfect, because he's known for a long time that she isn't a perfect person. It's the fact that he's closed himself off from everyone since primary school because Tina is (was?) his best friend, so he turns his back on her and rolls away, because he can't stay and look at her. Their relationship was about to turn into something more than just best friends and she's snatched that away from him.

He's got better at leaving people behind.

* * *

Santana's crying and Brittany's looking at her note like it's about to destroy her. Quinn's scrunching her note into a ball, Puck's holding his in his hand but he hasn't read it because he can see _Noah_ written in Rachel's perfect handwriting. Finn's slumped in his seat, loud sobs practically exploding out of his body. Matt's breathing heavily, and Mike's dropped the note into his lap, like he can't bear to touch it. Kurt's crying and Mercedes is squeezing his hand while she reads her note.

Tina (who got off his lap when the notes were being handed out) is just staring at the piece of paper as her eyes well with tears. She's never looked so beautiful to him than right now, but she's also never seemed so far away. She's sitting less than two metres away from him but he just can't reach her.

* * *

Kurt and Mercedes took Tina's side in the whole "fake stutter" thing. They'd sit with Tina on one side of the choir room, and Tina would stare straight ahead, while Kurt and Mercedes would just glare at one else in Glee club even noticed what was going on. They were too caught up in their own drama's, with teen pregnancy and bake sales and unemployment statuses that urgently need to be changed.

Except Rachel. She was helping Finn get a job, and she was in a wheelchair, and being bullied, yet she still noticed the tension between them. She even asked him if he wanted help because he seemed really lonely. He'd turned her down, saying that he'd be able to fix this by himself and then pretended that he didn't see the tears in her eyes as she walked away.

("You wouldn't understand Rachel. It's a friendship problem... _you'd need friends to understand"_).

* * *

When she asked him to make the Run Joey Run video, he said yes because he knew she'd keep asking until she got her way but when it came to making the video, he gave it a half-hearted effort at best. He knew it wasn't going to end well – he knew as soon as he realized Rachel had Jesse, Finn _and _Puck as the video's star(s) but instead of telling her, he just kept filming. He pretended it was because Rachel was too stubborn to listen to his advice but he knew that wasn't true – Rachel had already made it clear that she respected his artistic input.

He just didn't want the drama, so he sat back and watched it blow up in her face.

* * *

"I'm not sure if all of you know this yet, but Rachel is in a coma. She's in a stable condition, and we just have to wait for her to wake up now. You can all go home, or go to the cafeteria now; there's no point waiting here", one of Rachel's dad's says before collapsing into his chair.

Kurt, Mercedes and Tina stand up and stretch, before looking over at him.

"We're going to the cafeteria now Artie... do you want to come with us?"

So he goes, because he can see that Brittany is about to fall apart, and Finn's already fallen apart, and Puck looks like he's ready to murder someone, and Mike's shooting daggers at Brittany and he just _can't _stay.

* * *

"How could Rachel do this?"

It's Kurt that asks, about ten minutes after they sat down. Mercedes has already discussed the weather, Tina mentioned that interesting documentary that was on TV last week, and Kurt had briefly discussed the new outfit he wanted to buy. He wants to say something cocky and intelligent and something that verges on complete jerk just because he can, but Tina's eyes well with tears and he can't make her cry, not now when everything is falling apart.

(She probably got so sick of us being horrible to her that she picked up a razor and sliced into her arm.

It's probably a good thing he didn't say it. None of them know Artie the jerk).

* * *

Eventually, they run out of things to talk about. Kurt's described (in detail) his outfit choices for the next month, while Mercedes gives them a brief rundown on the new songs she's planning on downloading this week.

Kurt opens his mouth to talk again, probably to ramble on about some television thing that none of them have a clue about, but he closes it when he sees Jesse walk into the cafeteria.

Jesse, the boy who broke Rachel's heart when he smashed an egg on her head, looks like he's been to hell and back. He normally looks so perfect, like he's spent ages preparing himself for every possible situation, but now he looks like he's about to fall apart.

"Where is she? How is she? Oh god, what have I done?" he whimpers before collapsing into a chair at their table, his hands shaking.

"It doesn't look good", he whispers softly, and once again, he's become the person who has to comfort everyone else when he really just wants someone to comfort him.

So he listens to Jesse mumbling something again and again and doesn't say anything because Jesse doesn't deserve to have anyone reassure him. None of them do. He listens to Jesse until the speaker system crackles into action (not even acknowledging Santana when she sat down in last spare seat at their table).

"_Code blue, fourth floor"_

_

* * *

_

It's strange that he considered Glee his family because when Tina manages to push him back into the waiting room, he's shocked by what he sees. Brittany has collapsed on the floor, Mike's slumped in a chair, Finn's crying, Shelby's got her arms wrapped around her chest, Jesse is halfway to comforting Shelby, Mercedes and Kurt are leaning on each other...

He's shocked by what he sees because this is supposed to be his family yet he's so, so _confused _by their reactions.

Brittany looks like she's the one who's close to dying, which is odd; because he's fairly sure she and Rachel haven't spoken properly since they were thirteen years old. Mike looks like he's about to throw up even though he hasn't protected Rachel from anything since the start of high school. Finn's crying, even though he chose _Quinn, _Shelby looks like her world has stopped turning even though she didn't think Rachel was good enough for her, and Mercedes and Kurt are supporting each other, even though they both _hated _Rachel (or at least acted like they hated her).

Santana and Puck are the biggest surprises though.

Santana, as soon as she reaches the room, falls to the floor, half screaming, half sobbing, causing Kurt to start crying. She's covered in blood, covered in _Rachel, _and she looks so desperate, like she'd kill any of them just to ensure Rachel was okay. Puck's punching the wall continuously, until his blood is dripping off his hand and onto the floor. He can almost hear the sound it's making as it hits the floor, and he's sure that Santana can almost hear it too because her face pales even more, as she edges away from Puck.

It's strange that he considered Glee his family because he really knows nothing about any of them.

* * *

"She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now"

A sigh of relief goes through the room, even if it isn't the greatest news they could have received. Santana stops hyperventilating and turns to Jesse, her eyes narrowing into a ferocious glare, which sends the boy scurrying out of the waiting room and probably out of the hospital. Kurt follows suit, heading in the opposite direction, and Mercedes trails after him. He has no idea where the pair of them are going but he doesn't want to know. He just wants to go home and sleep – to wake up and find out that this was just a nightmare so he does just that. He rolls past Mike (he has no idea when the Asian boy re-entered the picture because less than two hours ago, Mike had sprinted out of the hospital as fast as his legs would take him), and Santana and Brittany (who are still sitting on the floor, each looking in a different direction), and Finn and Puck (who are sitting next to each other again).

He nods respectfully at Rachel's dad's as he leaves, and listens as Tina says goodbye, and together, they roll/walk out of the hospital and back to his house.

She may not be perfect but he's not either, and tonight has just proved that life is too short to stay mad at someone for stupid reasons, or deny yourself the one thing you want more than anything else, so they leave together, and they both know that it's a promise. They'll be together one day, and it will be magical.

* * *

He doesn't go back to the hospital after that, at least not for Rachel. He doesn't like hospitals and they bring out the worst in people. They tear relationships apart, and shatter dreams, and he doesn't want to be in an environment like that.

He goes back to school, and it's different. McKinley High establishes a zero tolerance for bullying and anyone caught bullying is immediately suspended. It's nice to be able to go to school and not stress over being locked in a porter potty or having a slushy thrown in his face. Tina, Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn and Matt all return to school on the same day as him. Tina holds his hand as they walk/roll through school, and she'll sit on his lap whenever he falls silent. Kurt and Mercedes adopt the Santana and Brittany habit of walking through the school with their little fingers entwined as a form of constant contact so they don't feel alone.

And Quinn... she's alone now.

* * *

Santana, Brittany, Puck, Finn and Mike don't come back to school for a while. The little group are now forever entwined because of the experience they've shared; because of the girl they all love.

He hears, through the grapevine (aka Kurt), that Santana and Brittany break up because they don't see the other the same way anymore, and when he sees Quinn smirking at the news, he wants to run over her foot. Mike drops out of the football team (although he doesn't do it in person – rather an e-mail sent to the coach), and Puck follows suit. Finn doesn't because he still needs that feeling of respect from the student body, now more than ever, and because of his refusal to drop out, Puck and Mike refuse to speak to him anymore.

The whole of glee reunites when Santana, Brittany, Puck, Finn and Mike return to school. In their first practice, they dethrone Quinn and leave the position of captain vacant for when Rachel returns (not one of them say _if _Rachel returns). He pretends that he doesn't see Quinn's tears as she leaves the room because he can't feel sorry for her. He knows it's not all her fault (they're all to blame, every single one of them), but it's so much easier to blame the blonde than accept their part in the situation.

So he watches her go, and pretends that everything's all right again.

* * *

None of them mention the fact that it's been almost two weeks and Rachel still hasn't woken up.


	11. Mr Schue

**A/N: This chapter is a little different, just because it's an adult. It's basically all of Mr. Schue's life, from high school onwards, and delves a lot into what happened in the club and why he allowed it. There isn't as much as what happened in the hospital, and there won't be a lot in the next couple of chapters either, because they're mainly delving into the past. That said: Merry Christmas! This update is just for you guys.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed: Gleek06216, justletitshine,zodiac dragonHatori, mypetconcubine, Twilight Gleek, Lil0, ChocolateRosesxo, mia bella jacob, ****TwinkleXXLittleStarr, ritagarcia45, cyrusnjonas, llcrdfn1, shinecsc and I'd rather live in books for their amazing reviews. **

**An extra special thanks to…**

**Blackgem88: Thank you! I was slightly nervous about certain parts of the chapter, but your review really reassured me. Ooh, a Puckleberry shipper! Join the club… aren't they just amazing together? Yes, that's how I see the whole Puck/Quinn thing in this story, as Quinn is his last link to Beth. Thanks for the comment on Finn's characterization; I wasn't sure if that would translate, and I'm glad the Santana/Brittany break-up made sense as well. Thank you so much for the epic review. **

**: This was such a flattering comment. The first paragraph made me smile, because this is such a hard topic to do justice, and I'm glad it's working. I won't comment at all on the second paragraph so I don't spoil anything, apart from the Quinn part… she won't have a crush on Rachel. The Santana/Brittany/Rachel relationship was one of the things I was most scared about. I wasn't sure if people would like it, or immediately hate it and turn their back on the story. Thank you so much for the review. **

**NotSorry: Thank you for the review. I had to add an extra thank you to you because this has been the first Glee fiction you've read. It's very, very flattering. **

**Welshy84: One thing about your review is exactly how I feel. I won't say what it was so that it doesn't ruin it for everyone else, but feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it. Look forward to (maybe) hearing from you. Thanks for reviewing!**

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The first rule he learnt at teacher's college was not on the syllabus. In fact, it wasn't even _mentioned _in any of his classes. It was just something one of the other students said to him in passing, and it stuck with him ever since…

A teacher is not supposed to have a favourite student.

The second thing he learnt was that if he got caught in a situation where he had a favourite student, he was not (under any circumstances) allowed to show it. That was strictly forbidden.

And the third thing he learnt, only slightly less important than the first two rules, was that if he ever happened to have a least favourite student, he was not allowed to express his dislike for that student. That's how lawsuits happen.

All in all, he went pretty well at following the rules until he took over Glee club. That's when everything fell apart.

* * *

He joins Glee club in his first year of high school, which doesn't peg him as a loser but it doesn't make him majorly popular. Terri Williams is the captain of the cheerleading squad which makes her the unofficial queen of the school.

She has this hair that shines when the sun hits it, and her legs go on for miles, the cheerleading uniform doing nothing to cover the expanse of sun kissed skin. He falls in love with her in his first year of high school. She doesn't say anything to him until his third year of high school, when she joins glee club too. She becomes co-captain within a month and she has the voice of an angel, and she wasn't his first _crush_, but he's almost one hundred percent sure that she'll be his last.

(So when he finds out that there isn't a baby in her stomach, he feels like his world has been pulled out from under his feet).

* * *

He dates Terri for his final year of high school, and although he's still young, he starts dreaming of engagement rings, white dresses and _forevers_. All the other high school couples are filling in their college applications and breaking up, already dreaming of their own future, whereas he's more concerned about Terri.

Her weight gets dangerously low and she's not eating properly, even though she has cheerleading practice four times a week. She throws herself into her studies too and her college application forms pile up, and he can tell she's terrified that she's going to fail.

When she collapses in glee club though, he has her admitted to a local care facility for teenage girls. Her rib cages can be seen through her skin, just like her spine, and that beautiful, vibrant girl he fell in love with is slowly disappearing. She hates him, at least for a little while, because her dreams of a bright future away from Ohio fade away. She misses cut off dates for entrance tests, and submission dates until the only option she has left is Ohio State University.

And although he always wanted to get out of the tiny, tiny town that always seemed so restricting, he promised to stay with her, just to see her smile, because she'd worked her way into his heart until there was no room for anything else.

(He ripped up his college acceptance letters, and packed his bags, and together they went to Ohio State University, living in a crappy one bedroom apartment, with little to no money.

It was worth it though because she started eating properly again).

* * *

He marries Terri as soon as he scrapes together enough money for an engagement ring, and when her eyes fill with tears at the proposal, he realizes that this is better than anything he dreamed of as a child.

Their wedding is small and simple. She wears a white dress, even though they get married at City Hall, and he's never seen anyone so beautiful. He doesn't have enough money for a honeymoon, because studying to become a teacher doesn't pay well (doesn't pay anything) but they build a fort in their living/kitchen/dining room and camp there for a weekend.

He's never been happier.

* * *

After their first wedding anniversary, Terri seems to undergo a personality transplant. The girl he fell in love with, the one with the voice of an angel, stops singing. She drops out of college and finds some part time work, and she stresses about money all the time. He'll come home after class and she'll scream about how disgusting the apartment is and how she can't live like this, and his heart breaks a little more each time because her clothes are getting baggier and she's fading away in front of his eyes (he doesn't know if he's strong enough to go through this again).

He hears her throwing up in the morning and secretly, he starts buying her birth control pills again because he can't bring a baby up in a relationship like this, and he refuses to father a child who will have to watch his/her mother disappear. He crushes up the tablets and sprinkles them in her juice and in her food, but it's a waste of time and money because they just stop having sex.

Her eyes stop sparkling and her wedding ring eventually works its way off of her finger and onto the bedside table, and most of the time, he can't bring himself to care. She wants him to drop out of college or change courses and become an accountant or a lawyer but he wants to make a difference in someone else's life (he wants to help someone like he helped Terri once upon a time).

He doesn't know what he did to deserve this.

* * *

Terri battles an eating disorder throughout the rest of his time at college, and when he finally graduates, she's the skinniest she's ever been, but she starts smiling a bit more, and she lets him hold her hand and kiss her cheek whenever he wants to. When he gets a job at McKinley High, she starts eating again and when she puts on a little bit of weight, his heart swells with pride because he's slowly regaining his wife. He suggests they try for a baby again and he doesn't notice the slight hesitation before she answers.

She agrees though and he throws away her birth control pills. He's ecstatic that they're going to try and make a baby, so ecstatic that he doesn't notice the way she holds herself back from the whole process (she won't look at baby books or visit the doctor for advice) and he thinks that maybe everything will be okay again.

(It's not okay because there's a suitcase under the bed filled with her clothes, and a note written to him sitting in her bedside table because she was planning on leaving the day he graduated).

* * *

McKinley's a breath of fresh air for him. He teaches Spanish because although he doesn't know the language that well, it was the only job available, and although Terri starts to nag about money again, there's a cute redhead who seems to want to listen to his problems.

The redhead – Emma – is a guidance councillor who spends all day solving everyone else's problems while her own life is a complete and utter mess. She looks at him with something like admiration in her eyes and he hasn't had anyone look at him like that since he and Terri first started dating.

He knows that Emma has feelings for him and he knows that he should try and stay away from her because he owes that to Terri – his _wife_. He doesn't stay away though because he likes the feeling he gets in his chest when he's with Emma, and slowly, he forgets that he once thought Terri would be his last crush.

He has the best of both worlds until he takes over glee club.

* * *

Terri, although not threatened by Emma, is terrified when he becomes the head of glee club. He starts smiling more and singing as he lays the table, and no matter how often she yells about money or freaks out about him now having options, he can't stop 's finally found what he's been searching for… someone who needs him. And the glee kids, although they barely tolerate each other, need him. He doesn't want to give that up.

Well, he didn't want to give that up, until Terri tells him she's pregnant and all of a sudden, there's going to be a person in the world who will rely on him for everything, and that's better than six kids (of which only five _wanted_ to be there).

And he almost gave it all up to become an accountant, until he heard the kids singing Journey and it reminded him of everything else he'd given up for Terri over the years. For once, he was brave and told her that he wanted to stay, and for once, she was kind and agreed with him.

(To this day, he doesn't know if Rachel understood why he wanted to leave or if she even forgave him for it).

* * *

When he becomes the head of glee club, his rules fly out the window. He's never had a favourite student, not in all of his years of teaching, even though some of his students were complete and utter idiots, but that changes when Finn Hudson walks into the room.

Finn reminds him of himself all that time ago, confused over what he wants and unsure how he really fits into the world of high school, and it's so hard _not _to favour the tall, somewhat dopey, boy. Especially when Quinn becomes pregnant and Finn's thinking of _their _future instead of just his own (just like he did all those years ago with Terri).

He never had a favourite student before Finn and he never had a least favourite student either but when he forces Finn into the club and Rachel sings her way in, both of those facts are changed.

Rachel's loud and abrasive and selfish, and although it's not intentional, she has no regard for other people's feelings. She's probably the person that needs him the most but after that misplaced crush, he doesn't feel comfortable around her and would prefer it if she just stayed as far away as possible.

He knows that she's being bullied; knows that Quinn, Santana and Brittany call her man-hands, Ru-Paul and Treasure Trail; knows that Puck throws slushies in her face, and the football team draw pornographic pictures of her on the bathroom walls… he knows all this and he knows that he should help her but it's just so hard to be around her.

So he leaves her by herself, and concentrates on Finn, and Quinn (who reminds him of Terri) and Santana and Brittany and Puck and Matt and Mike and Artie and Tina and Kurt and Mercedes. He concentrates on the rest of the club, although they don't need him like Rachel does, because it's easier.

(He's ashamed to say that even after Quinn informs him that she was planning on giving her baby to Terri, Rachel is still his least favourite student).

* * *

The baby in Terri's stomach isn't really a baby, but padding and it's so strange because he fell in love with_ padding _his wife stuffed up her shirt, but he now feels like he's lost a part of himself that never even existed.

He wonders how Terri thought she was going to pull it off until Quinn Fabray walks up to him, sits him down and informs him that she was going to give _her_ baby to Terri. All of a sudden, it's not just his wife and his baby that he's lost. He's lost his trust in glee club as well, the little group he was beginning to count as his second family, because Quinn was going to betray him for a woman she barely knew.

But he forgives them because they're just teenagers and they didn't know any better. They don't know that what happens in high school may affect the rest of their lives (they don't realize that the bullying will leave scars and that the baby Quinn's going to give up will steal part of her heart) and he doesn't have the courage to break it to them.

So he goes on pretending that he still has faith in his club.

* * *

Being a teacher doesn't make him immune to the gossip that spreads around McKinley High. He hears all the gossip about Puck being the father of Quinn's baby, not Finn, and he finds it so, so hard to not punish the two of them for hurting Finn.

He can't do anything about it because he's a teacher and playing favourites is how lawsuits happen, but he's kind of glad when he doesn't have to go to sectionals with the group because he just doesn't think he can look at them right now even though he's already on his way to forgiving them.

They come back with the first place trophy anyway, despite the fact that all of their numbers were stolen, and he's so, so proud of Finn for what he did – showing up to save the day was incredibly brave even if he had been pushed in the right direction.

(He never really thanks Rachel for her part in their win).

* * *

The whole Jesse St. James situation doesn't really concern him as much as it should. He should care more about the future of his group and Rachel's heart, but he's too busy with Shelby and Emma and so caught up in his freedom that he forgets all about it. It doesn't hit him until the eggs have been cracked on Rachel's head. Jesse St. James, the boy Rachel was sure wouldn't betray them, defected back to Vocal Adrenaline after trashing their choir room, terrifying the rest of the club with an amazing musical number and smashing eggs on Rachel.

So he raises the group's spirit by allowing them to put down Vocal Adrenaline in song, after Puck and Finn had already crossed the line by slashing their tires, and he's satisfied. He didn't necessarily do it for Rachel (not at all) but for the club.

After all, Rachel will understand. She's part of the club.

* * *

After Quinn and Puck give Beth to Shelby and they place last but somehow manage to scrape another year, he realizes just how strong this club is. Then they come back after the summer holidays, and they're even stronger. They're all friends and they've clearly bonded and decided that glee is worth fighting for.

And Quinn reminds him so much of Terri when she stands up and claims her new position as co-captain that it takes him almost an hour after practice has ending to actually realize what happened. The glee club did bond, but they've bonded with Rachel on the outside, alone.

He's just so proud of them for rallying together that he doesn't comment on it.

* * *

So the second year of glee stars Finn and Quinn as co-captains. Quinn helps him choose songs and Finn laughs with him when something funny happens in rehearsal, and he thinks everything is kind of perfect. He doesn't notice the way Brittany doesn't link her finger with Santana's anymore, choosing to stay close to Quinn, and he doesn't notice the ruthless way Quinn keeps everyone in order (in his defense, not one of the kids notice either).

He doesn't notice the bruises that litter Rachel's arms or the way Santana smirks whenever she sees Finn and Quinn walk past holding hands. He doesn't notice until glee stars Finn and Quinn as co-captains, and Santana and Rachel as background characters but by that time, it's too late to change things.

After all, Rachel and Santana slept with Quinn's boyfriend, and he can't be mad at Finn, so he has to be mad at the two girls.

(It never dawns on him that he could just stop being so overly involved in his student's private lives).

* * *

He does notice when the dynamic of the group shuffles around. Brittany and Santana, who used to be inseparable, are now part of Quinn_and_Brittany and Santana_and_Rachel and it's different but the songs the club cover are still amazing and he thinks no more of it.

He's more worried about Finn who lost his girlfriend and both of the girls he was seeing on the side, and although he should think that behaviour is unacceptable, he's more concerned about that lost look Finn's constantly wearing. He's so worried about Finn that he doesn't notice Quinn's face settle into a glare when she sees Rachel, and he doesn't see Rachel's hand reach instinctively for Santana every time Quinn looks at her. After all, he has these blinkers that only allow him to see how things are affecting Finn, not the rest of the group.

So he asks Finn if he's okay and spends hours with the younger boy.

(So he asks Finn is he's okay and spends hours with the younger boy, _while Rachel struggles to pick up the pieces of her heart that have been scattered far and wide)._

_

* * *

_

Quinn comes to him one day with that angelic smile that reminds him of everything he's lost, and he's defenceless – whatever she asks, he'll be unable to say no. She wants the solos to be more evenly distributed. "Rachel has too many solos, and the club has a wide range of vocal talents that should all be appreciated", she says matter of factly, and he can't argue with that. It's been brought up before.

So he agrees, and Quinn practically dances out of the door with a smile on her face. She looks so much like Terri that it takes his breath away and for a second, he thinks he's a sixteen year old boy all over again, in love with a girl that doesn't know he exists. He snaps out of it after a second though, because Quinn's a student and falling in love with a student is one rule he'll never break (although falling in love with Quinn Fabray would be incredibly easy).

It never even crosses his mind that Rachel hasn't had a solo in months. He doesn't even remember that she stands at the back and sways. In his mind, he still sees Rachel as that girl who loudly interrupts his discussions and just takes what she wants. So he looks over the songs that he wants the club to perform over the next few weeks and splits them between Quinn, Mercedes and Brittany (unknowingly playing straight into Quinn's hands).

(And when he stands in the hospital on the night where Rachel Berry tries to kill herself, he still can't separate the broken girl from the one everyone hated so much).

* * *

Over time, he gets caught up in his own drama again. Terri comes back into his life with her soft smiles and angelic voice, trying to take care of him the way he took care of her all those years ago, and he can't bring himself to say no.

She's stick thin again, her rib cage and spine protruding, and size six jeans gaping at the front, and it's clear she hasn't been eating. He takes her out for dinner, and buys her ice-cream and cake, and tries to make sure that she doesn't escape to the bathroom and stick her finger down her throat. He's so busy looking after Terri, who he still sort of loves (even after all this time) that he doesn't see the cuts on Rachel's stomach when her shirt accidently flies up as she runs out after a glee practice. He doesn't see the way Santana and Brittany now hold hands, and the way Santana's face falls whenever she sees Rachel. He doesn't notice any of it.

He doesn't notice Puck extend a hand and try and help Rachel, and he barely notices the way the brunette starts to smile again. Hell, he doesn't even realize that she barely speaks in most practices, sometimes forgetting she's even in the room. But he does notice when Quinn decides that she wants to date Puck again. He smiles at her and says congratulations when no one else is listening, and if her answering smile looks vindictive, he's just imagining it, because Quinn's no longer a cruel person.

She's changed.

* * *

He sits up and takes notice when he gets a call from one of Rachel's dad's at 9pm one Tuesday night because she tried to kill herself.

* * *

He gets to the hospital as fast as he possibly can. He leaves Terri at home asleep because he can't deal with her insecurities tonight, and drives to the hospital, breaking about ten different laws in his haste. He hates the way he thinks that it's just Rachel being overdramatic yet again.

When he gets to the hospital and sees the way everyone is crying and holding each other, and the way Quinn is sitting up straight, a smile on her face, it suddenly clicks into place. Quinn _hasn't _changed, at least not in regards to Rachel Berry, and she's _happy_ that Rachel tried to kill herself. He _helped _the blonde torture Rachel; he gave her control of Glee, he let her dethrone Rachel, he even helped to take away Rachel's solos – this is on him.

And while he sees the looks they send Quinn (Santana in particular), and knows that they're blaming the blonde, he knows they're wrong.

Because this... this is all his fault.

(And he hates the way he still wants to comfort Quinn)

* * *

_Mr. Schue, _

_There's a saying we were taught throughout primary school. If you stand around and allow someone to get bullied (if you don't stand up and say something), you are just as bad as the bully – sometimes even worse than the bully. _

_That doesn't even begin to describe you. There are no words to describe how much of an awful person you are, and it's even worse because you're a teacher. We're supposed to be able to come to you with our problems, not watch you do nothing about them when you _know _what's happening._

_I understand that the little crush I had on you was awkward, but for you to turn your back on me when I needed you... it's unacceptable. You seem to believe that you were one of us Mr. Schue, not our teacher, and that's where you went wrong. It wasn't up to you to judge us because of who we may or may not have dated or slept with, or to get mad at us because we made a wrong decision – you were my teacher, not my dad or my friend. _

_No matter how many times you deny it, you did judge us. Well, most of us. King Finn and Queen Quinn could do no wrong in your eyes, although they were the ones who did the most damage, especially Quinn. I know that she reminds you of Terri and Finn reminds you of your teenage self, but they were the worst of all of us, and they got away with no consequences. _

_You punished Santana and I for sleeping with Finn, but helped Finn because he was alone... we were alone too. You thanked Finn for showing up at sectionals, but didn't thank the rest of us... we showed up even though we had our own problems going on... _

_You abused your power Mr. Schue. You weren't a student, you weren't our friend... you were our teacher. You were supposed to offer us guidance and help us grow. You weren't supposed to help us be destroyed, to be knocked down before we had a chance to shine. _

_This is on you as much as it's on Quinn. This is on you as much as it's on Finn, Puck, Santana, Brittany and Mike. This is as much your fault as its Kurt, Tina, Matt, Artie and Mercedes' fault. You were just as bad as the rest of them. _

_I was supposed to be a star but you let them destroy me. You _**helped **_them destroy me. _

_

* * *

_

He folds his letter and slides it into his pocket and tries not to cry. He stands next to Shelby and makes forced, stilted conversation, and refuses to comfort Finn or Quinn because that's what got him into this mess.

And when the code blue, fourth floor message plays, his heart freezes just like everyone else's. And he breathes a sigh of relief when the nurse says that they managed to revive Rachel. And his breath stops when she says that it's up to Rachel to pull through.

He leaves as soon as he can because it's just too much.

* * *

When he does go back to school, he asks if Finn and Quinn can be moved out of his class. He can't throw them out of glee club but he can respectfully ask for them to be removed from his class, and Principal Figgins does it with little hesitation.

Playing favourites is what got him into this mess and he's not going to let it happen again.

* * *

He never gets to apologise to Rachel Berry because she never comes back to McKinley High.


	12. Shelby

**A/N: I wrote out personal thank you's for everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I was going to have them at the start of this chapter, but they were over a thousand words long, so I'll send them to you privately. **

**Thanks so much for reviewing: I was gobsmacked by the amount of reviews I received. I never thought I'd ever get that many reviews for a whole story, let alone one chapter. Thank you all for being so amazing. **

**To those who reviewed anonymously, thanks. ZivaCullen, thank you! I tried to reply to Tarafina, MihoshiCryBaby and HayHayGirl404 as well, but you had your PM feature disabled so I couldn't get in contact with you. **

**This is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. Without further ado, I give you Shelby. **

**

* * *

**

Her childhood was normal. She had a mum and a dad who loved each other, and loved her. She wasn't beaten or sexually abused, and her parents supported her in everything that she did. They payed for her music and dance lessons, helped her with her homework and even bought her first car as soon as she passed her driving test. Her mum was her best friend and her dad was her protector.

It makes no sense that her life is a complete and utter mess because she had such a perfect upbringing. Her life isn't supposed to be like this.

But somehow, she ends up throwing a jumper over her pyjamas on a cold Tuesday night, wrapping Beth up in a blanket and placing her in the car, before driving as fast as legally possible to the hospital, because the daughter she never really wanted tried to kill herself.

Maybe it's karma for having such a nice childhood.

* * *

She never really believed in love until her final year of high school when she met Dave. He had blondish hair and hazel eyes and he was the most beautiful boy she'd ever seen. She drew his face in her workbooks and doodled love hearts whenever (and wherever) she could.

For some reason, he seemed to like her back, and they dated for three weeks before she found herself lying on her back in his truck. It wasn't magical or romantic like she'd always expected it to be but it was still perfect because it was with _him_.

He didn't call her the next day like he promised, and when she tried to talk to him in the corridor, he brushed past her like she was dirt. It took her about a week to realize that he had only dated her for sex, and that he had next to no feelings for her.

She threw away the notebooks that featured his face, and concentrated on passing the final exams so she could get the hell away from the town and the beautiful boy who had broken her heart.

(She might have achieved her goal if she hadn't peed on a stick and found out that she was pregnant).

* * *

So she didn't get out of the small town she'd always hated, and barely managed to pass all of her subjects. She lay awake at night, thinking of the future she'd always wanted and the baby she was now stuck with. It was fate, really, when Damien and Jackson Berry passed through the town. They weren't looking for her, just stopping off on the way home, devastated that another surrogate had pulled out at the last minute.

But she'd always been clever (and slightly manipulative) so she saw this as an opportunity. She'd give her baby to the couple and then pretend like this never happened. Things were never that simple though because Damien and Jackson Berry didn't want to just adopt a baby. They wanted their own baby, one that had matching DNA, a baby they could call their own.

She wasn't showing yet (no one knew she was pregnant) so she went to a doctor and payed him off, asking him to play along and set her up as a surrogate, to pretend that the baby she was carrying had the same DNA as the Berry's so she could get pass the baby off as theirs.

And really, her plan would have worked if she hadn't fallen down those stairs and lost the baby.

* * *

So she lost the baby inside of her, and became an actual surrogate mother for Damien and Jackson Berry. This time, it worked and they even offered her money for her services, just enough to get her out of town and to New York. The only thing she had to do in return was sign a contract promising that she wouldn't look for the baby until he/she turned eighteen.

And really, that seemed like such an easy thing to do. After all, she didn't want the baby (especially now) but she wanted New York, she wanted Broadway and she wanted no reminders of Dave and the smile that made her heart flutter and his eyes crinkle up in the corner.

So she gave birth to the baby ("Rachel", Damien whispered with pure awe on his face), and signed the contract and flew straight to New York, not even caring that she'd just left part of herself behind.

* * *

She never conquered Broadway like she wanted to. Her nose was too big, one director said, whereas another thought her breasts were too small. Her dance moves were too weak, her voice too pitchy – she wasn't good enough.

She spent years and years working part time at a diner, barely living off the minimum wage and the infrequent tips, while spending all of her spare time at auditions and workshops to improve herself.

She rarely step foot in her crappy apartment because she hated it. Hated the dark, hated the way the windows barely let any light in, hated the fact that her bed was also the couch and was next to the dining table (otherwise known as the coffee table) – she hated the way it was so different from her mum and dad's house.

And over time, she grew to hate herself and the way she was nothing but a failure. Her mum and dad would be shattered if they saw what she had turned into – a twenty six year jaded woman whose biggest accomplishment was being a one-time teenage (surrogate) mother.

(It changed, though, when she met him).

* * *

Dave at twenty six is just as gorgeous as seventeen year old Dave. His face had more wrinkles, but they were laugh lines, and his dimples had deepened whereas his muscles had hardened. The Dave she had fallen in love with at seventeen was a boy, whereas the one standing in front of her was all man.

"Shelby... is that you?"

"I'm surprised you remember my name. You seemed intent on forgetting me", she hisses, surprising herself at the venom that drips from her tone. He seems taken aback too, his eyes widening as he instinctively takes a step backwards.

He apologises for what he did all those years ago, apologies for the way he treated her and used her to his own advantage. He explains that he feels incredibly guilty for what he did, but he was a stupid teenager and didn't know any better. He finishes by asking her out for dinner to make-up for what he did.

And she agrees to go because she's desperate to have something else in her life. She can't live with just failure anymore – she needs something or someone else.

(She spends a week's wage on a dress that falls mid-thigh, and shows off her curves and her limited cleavage, and she hasn't felt this beautiful in a long time).

* * *

He moves in after six months of dating because she's loved him (at least a little bit) since she was seventeen even though he hurt her more than anyone else, and because he's all alone in New York and is so close to running home with his tail between his legs.

It's perfect until it's not.

They don't fight, not really, just tiny arguments over whose turn it was to buy more milk or who left the water running in the kitchen. They don't scream and yell and curse and he doesn't hit her or threaten her or belittle her. In fact, he's the most perfect gentleman until he finds a copy of the contract she signed when she was almost eighteen.

"What is this? You're a mother?" he asks, his voice shaking. She can tell he hasn't put all the pieces together yet because his eyes are confused and his voice is still relatively calm (he doesn't realize that she lost their child).

And she realizes that if she plays this right and sticks to the part of the story that Mr and Mr Berry know, they'll be fine. If she says that she was a surrogate mother for a couple who were unable to have their own children, he'll understand. She's holding their future in her hands and she's so, so tempted to keep him in the dark.

She loves him though, and love makes her do stupid things. It always has and it probably always will.

"I got pregnant at seventeen... it was your baby. I didn't realize until a month after we'd been together and I couldn't tell you... you didn't even acknowledge I existed. I was so, so scared but when Damien and Jackson Berry came through town, I worked things to my advantage. I volunteered to be their surrogate mother and I was going to pretend that the baby in my stomach had their DNA so that they'd take her. It worked, until I fell down a set of stairs... I lost our baby Dave, and I had no choice but to become their official surrogate – I owed them a child. They gave me enough money to get to New York in return for my promise to not get in contact with them until the baby was eighteen. I'm so sorry".

It's not the fact that she lost their baby. He could have dealt with that over time because it wasn't her fault. Hell, he's not even mad that she didn't tell him that she was pregnant. He was a jerk and it's understandable that she kept him in the dark. It's the way she lied to him about it (even after they got back together) and the way she tried to lie to the Berry's about it.

He promises her that he'll call her soon as walks out of their apartment with his bags packed. He just needs some space, yet he never comes back.

(She cries when she looks at the calendar and realizes that tomorrow is their three year anniversary. She's twenty nine years old, she doesn't have a proper job, she's single... she's completely and utterly alone).

* * *

It takes her a few months to realize that Dave isn't going to come back. His CD's are still in the apartment and he left behind a bunch of clothes but he has no intention of returning to pick them up. She doesn't really blame him because she realizes that this time around, the end of their relationship is all on her.

Just before her thirtieth birthday she realizes just how pointless her life in New York is. She hates the hustle and bustle of people who have more of a purpose than she does and she hates the fact that she's just one of many in a crowd instead of the star.

So, she opts to go home. Well, not home, because she refuses to show her mum and dad how far she's sunk, but to another small town where she'll be part of a community all over again.

(She settles near Lima Ohio).

* * *

Thirty years old and all she has is a string of failures to her name. Her resume is pathetic, and she barely manages to get a job teaching show choir at a local high school (Carmel High), and she doesn't know how her life ended up in such a _mess_.

Her first year teaching the choir, she almost gives up. The kids (at least some of them) have talent, but they don't know what to do with it. They want to be actresses and movie stars and rocket scientists and mathematicians (and one just wants to quit school) and they have their whole lives mapped out. Singing is not part of that life.

She hates teaching kids who have no passion for what they're doing – she hates that they just want to be in show choir for extra credit or for a laugh with friends. Her whole life has been about music and these kids just don't understand.

So, she's close to giving up. She has her letter of resignation written up and she's scouting around for other jobs. She starts her second year on the job with no hope and no enthusiasm and she's just waiting for the ideal moment to get the hell out of this place. Or she was waiting, until Jesse St. James walks through the door.

* * *

He's young and has this smile that causes the girls to stop and stare at him. He has this air around him that just demands respect. Most importantly, he's freakishly talented, with a voice that causes goose bumps to erupt on her skin (if she wasn't thirty one years old, she'd already be in love with him).

When he walks into the room, he's one of the youngest kids there. He didn't join the choir last year (didn't have time with dance lessons and vocal lessons and all the other lessons he takes out of school) but he cleared time in his schedule this year, and he's ready to work.

With Jesse in the group, she manages to whip them into shape. The kids develop a passion for singing, one they didn't have before, because Jesse inspires them. He makes them want to be better, makes them enjoy themselves and the beautiful sounds pouring out of their mouths.

(She spends the next two years pouring all of her heart and soul into that group. They win competitions and they have strict routine and she keeps pushing them until the fun is gone and all that's left is a strong desire for winning.

It's only when they're a winning machine that she realizes she really, really wants a child. She wants to raise a tiny human until they're exactly like the kids in front of her).

* * *

Thirty three marks a change in her life. She goes to the doctor and finds out she can't have any more children, so her next stop is the adoption office. She refuses to be sad over the fact that she can't have children; she refuses to even think about it (she's started to gloss over the bad things in her life to spare herself anymore pain).

She registers herself on the adoption list, and although she's single, she still manages to secure a place. They like the fact that she works with children and the fact that she has a steady income, one large enough to support both her and a child.

So she walks out of the door with a smile on her face and a spring in her step, although that quickly fades when she sees Damien Berry across the street (his hairs a little greyer and he's put on a bit of weight, but it's definitely him).

If Damien Berry is standing across from her, then Jackson Berry must be nearby. And if Damien and Jackson Berry are both here, then _Rachel, _her _daughter_, must be around too (and in that moment, she doesn't care that she never wanted Rachel; doesn't care that Rachel only shares a small part of her DNA... she just doesn't care).

She's found a solution to her problem.

* * *

She does research over the next couple of weeks. It isn't too hard because Lima's a small town and Rachel's exceeded at everything since she was a little girl. She manages to track her down, discovering that she's a student at McKinley High and in glee club. In fact, she was the girl who brought down the house with her rendition of "Don't Rain on My Parade" (Shelby can't believe she didn't notice that).

So she sends Jesse in as a spy. He's supposed to become _friends _with Rachel, to find out who she is, and report back. He's not supposed to fall in love or defect from Vocal Adrenaline to join New Directions just to be with her. That wasn't part of the plan – that part was all his idea.

She's pissed that she lost her star (and favourite) student, but he manages to lead Rachel right to her. She really wasn't expecting him to actually plant that tape – she thought he'd lost his courage the minute he fell in love with Rachel.

But Rachel walks into the auditorium and she gets to meet her daughter for the first time ever. She's thirty four years old, and eighteen years ago, she was a surrogate mother. Now, her sixteen year old daughter is standing in front of her and she doesn't know what to say.

(She expected it to be like the movies, with Rachel running into her arms and crying. Then they'd go shopping and Rachel would ask for her advice, and there'd be more crying and hand holding and it would be perfect).

* * *

Will Schuester is a mistake. He's the complete opposite of everything she's ever gone for in a man – she loves confident, almost arrogant men, who have the power to stand up for what they believe in. Will Schuester is not that kind of man.

He's a pushover – he lets Sue Sylvester trample all over him, and he doesn't even have authority to rule over the students in his glee club. He favours students blatantly (Jesse told her all about Finn) and she should have no respect for him and the way he so easily changes his mind.

But he has a disarming smile and her type never really panned out, so she kisses him and gives him her number, and tells him to call her when he gets his act together. He never calls, and the way he finds a loophole and comes to see her is kind of cute, but at the same time, kind of stupid because nothing's changed and she doesn't want to be his councillor.

(They never get their act together – it's like Dave all over again – and the part of her that wanted to be Will Schuester's girlfriend dies).

* * *

It doesn't take her long to realize that Rachel isn't what she wanted. She wants a child, one who she can raise; one she can influence and shape into a person. So she turns her back on Rachel, despite the younger girls pleads, not bothering to look closer and truly get to know Rachel.

(If she bothered to look, she'd find exactly what she wanted all along – a girl with the ability to love her more than anyone else, a girl with soft smiles, a large heart and an amazing voice).

* * *

She was the one who planted the idea of egging Rachel Berry. She was done with Rachel Berry, and Jesse St. James needed to be finished with her too.

Jesse's too much like Dave and Rachel's too much like her for this to work out. They both have all these intense feelings that they don't know what to do with, and she can't sit back and watch Jesse hurt Rachel (she doesn't want him to have any regrets when he's a big star).

You see, Jesse would turn his back the second he got a better offer. He may love Rachel, but as soon as his college acceptance offers arrived, as soon as Julliard started banging on his door, he'd leave.

The story of Dave and Shelby was too painful to ever be repeated.

(And the small part of her that loves Jesse St. James wants to protect him).

* * *

She plants the idea of eggs and it goes down well. They egg Rachel and Jesse rejoins Vocal Adrenaline, just in time for them to win the competition. Just in time for Quinn to give birth a beautiful baby girl, and just in time for her to swoop in and adopt said baby. She hands in her letter of resignation (she can't stay at that school anymore, not now that Rachel knows where she is, and not now that Jesse is leaving for college).

She and Beth need a fresh start.

* * *

She doesn't move house but starts her own small business – teaching music lessons from home – because she doesn't adapt too well to change (New York was one of the biggest mistakes she ever made). She's happy, really happy, until her phone rings late on a Tuesday night. It's Damien Berry (she hasn't spoken to him since he showed up in Carmel's auditorium with a copy of the contract, telling her to back the hell off).

The first thing she says is "god Damien, I've left her alone, just like you told me to". She feels like she's going to throw up when he tells her that Rachel tried to kill herself.

* * *

Quinn and Puck are in the waiting room, and she shields Beth from their eyes as if that will really help. Both the teens knew as soon as she walked in that Beth was there; could feel it in their bones. Puck doesn't seem to care, too caught up in his own web of grief to even look at his daughter. Quinn is shooting venomous looks in their direction when she thinks no one is looking, and Shelby doesn't have the heart to stop her.

The tall boy sitting next to Quinn looks in their direction though. His eyes, rimmed with red, are trained on the baby as if Beth is his whole world.

She quickly deduces that this is Finn, the boy who thought Beth was his before Quinn broke the news that it was his best friends instead. She doesn't know if he's staring because this was almost _his _baby or if he just sees them as a link to Rachel.

(When he starts crying again and tears his eyes away, she figures that it's the link to Rachel thing).

* * *

Will gives her the note from Rachel because Damien and Jackson refused to do it themselves. He looks sad, like his world has suddenly stopped turning, and she wonders what she ever saw in this man (she's standing next to him, their hands touching, and she doesn't feel _anything_).

She waits for him to read his note before handing Beth to him so that she can read her own (she doesn't ask what was in his note, doesn't ask why his face is deathly pale, doesn't even remember that once upon a time, this baby was supposed to be his).

* * *

_Dear Shelby, _

_I don't know what to say to you. I have so many questions, but it's stupid to ask them because I'll never get an answer. How could you hurt me like that? Why do you hate me so much? What did I ever do to you?_

_That day, in the auditorium, I finally felt complete. I knew it'd be a long road, but I was confident that I had my mother back. I was confident that my entire life was about to change – that maybe I wouldn't be the freak with two dads anymore... I thought, maybe, people would see me as more than the gay guy's kid. _

_I thought you were the start of something new, but you turned out to be just like the rest of them. You didn't bother to get to know me; you looked at the surface and decided you didn't like what was there. You decided, without_ _even knowing me, that I wasn't good enough. _

_I thought that mothers were supposed to love their children unconditionally. I thought that you were ready to be my mother, ready to love me and help me and support me and give me what you couldn't offer sixteen years ago. Why did you come back if you weren't ready to be a parent?_

_Oh, that's right. You were ready to be a parent. You were ready to be a mother to Quinn Fabray's daughter. You helped the one person who is intent on hating me, despite what I do to change her mind. You chose not to love me, but to love Quinn Fabray. How could you?_

_I don't know what I did to make you hate me. I don't know why you found me so unlovable. I don't know why you saw fit to raise my hopes of a reconciliation just to cut them down again. I don't know why you made Jesse lead me to you and then turn around and throw eggs at me (yes, I knew it was your idea). I don't know a lot of things regarding you, Shelby. If I ever had a daughter, I wouldn't treat her the way you treated me. _

_A lot of bad things happened to me before I met you. My two best friends turned their back on me, and Quinn Fabray decided to torture me. My life was a living hell. But even more bad things happened to me _after _I met you. I fell in love with two boys, and neither of them chose me. They both wanted Quinn. I fell in love again, and it destroyed me. I struggled to fix myself, and one of those boys... he was helping. He didn't realize he was helping me, but he was the reason I got up in the morning... until he left, and I was straight back to where I started from. My clothes were burnt; my solos were snatched away, and my position as team captain; I fell in love with four different people (Jesse included) and they all left me... _

_I've been through so much but I think one of the things that hurt the most was you turning your back on me. I could have survived this all if you had just been there. _

_Have fun with Beth. I hope she becomes a moody, rebellious, sullen child. I hope she has the same qualities as Quinn and hurts you just because she feels like it. I hope she's like Puck, and disarms you with her smile, just because she's bored. _

_I get that you hate me. I think that, maybe, I feel the same way about you. _

_

* * *

_

She takes Beth back into her arms. She's never read words so vicious and so piercing. She's never had a feeling like that in her chest. She folds the note and puts it in her pocket, and tries to pretend that she hasn't read the words.

She's succeeds through it all (through screaming, crying, sobbing children; through Jesse arriving; through Quinn leaving; through the kids dispersing... she sits next to Will through it all...

When she hears code blue, fourth four, played over and over again, and sees the nurses running into Rachel's room with a crash cart and sees the rest of the kid's running back to the waiting room, all she can think about is the note.

The Asian boy looks like he's about to throw up (_...you turned out to be just like the rest of them_); the tall boy – Finn – is still crying (_...I thought that you were ready to be my mother..._); the boy standing by the black girl is literally holding her up (_...I don't know what I did to make you hate me. I don't know why you found me so unlovable...)_.

A tall, skinny blonde girl looks like her world has fallen apart (_yes, I knew it was your idea)_, and an ethic looking girl covered in blood stumbles into the room, collapsing to the floor, making the most heartbreaking sound she's ever heard (_I could have survived this all if you had just been there)... _

And there's a boy she recognizes from a description Jesse gave her. The boy with the Mohawk... Puck... the boy Jesse thought was secretly in love with Rachel (not like Finn, who practically told everyone he loved Rachel). He's punching the wall, again and again, until he's bleeding, and she just knows that if Rachel doesn't wake up, he'll never recover. He might never recover even if she does wake up (_... I think that, maybe, I feel the same way about you). _

(She leaves the hospital as soon as the doctors say that it's up to Rachel to pull through this).

* * *

Jackson keeps her posted on Rachel's condition, and she calls Jesse when she gets the news. He doesn't say anything, just hangs up the phone, and if it wasn't for the tell-tale sniffle, she wouldn't have known if he even heard her.

* * *

Beth grows up so fast, and she's amazing and _special _but there are problems. She has issues with the girls at school because she tries to control them; she has an overwhelming urge to be popular. She sings, mainly the stuff on the radio, and her voice is beautiful, but she'll never make a career out of it. It's too pop; too mainstream – it would blend right 's no shortage of boys hovering around her. She has gorgeous blonde hair that shimmers in the sun, and eyes that hint at secrets that will never be told. Shelby's never seen a teenager this beautiful.

Beth grows up in love with Jesse St. James, an actor and singer who makes her giggle like a little girl, and smile like there's nothing else in the world – just him. Shelby's tempted, numerous times, to tell her daughter that she thinks she knows who the apologies are for; wants to tell Beth that she knows the hypnotic man on the television, but she can't, because she buried that part of her life a long, long time ago.

(Sometime after she got a phone call from Jackson Berry – the phone call that made everything different).

* * *

She keeps Rachel's note in her bedside table, and keeps the draw locked so that Beth can't read it. Beth doesn't know about Quinn or Puck or Carmel High or McKinley High or show choir, and most importantly, she doesn't know about Rachel Berry.

And sometimes, she cries herself to sleep, because Beth may be beautiful, but everything in Rachel's note is true.

Beth... she's moody and sullen. She doesn't speak for hours on end, sometimes days on end, and when she does talk, she's quick to anger and yell. She's rebellious, sneaking out of the house for concerts and parties, because that's what the rest of the girls at school do (she may not be close to the other girls, but they respect her; respect her popularity). She lashes out and brings up past events just to hurt people, before smiling and rendering them speechless, just because she's bored of fighting.

Rachel's note was right, and Shelby has never been more wrong.

* * *

She misses Dave. She misses Will Schuester. She misses Jesse St. James. She misses her mum and dad. She misses the days when everything was so easy.

(She misses Rachel Berry).

The feeling creeps closer.

* * *

She has everything she ever wanted but never, ever dreamed of having, especially all at once. She has a daughter and a life, and a job that she loves and children who love learning from her. She has everything she ever wanted, but she's never felt so moves out when she's eighteen. She's now fifty two years old and she hasn't lived by herself for a long, long time. She hates that feeling. Beth calls once a week, every Sunday night, but it's not enough. She doesn't want to be alone anymore. She hates meals for one, and nights in front of the television.

She calls Dave. He's _married_. She calls Jesse St. James. He _changed_ his number (he's thirty four years old and a huge star. She understands why he wouldn't want to hear from her). She even calls Will Schuester. A lady called Terri answers the phone. She doesn't know who Terri is or why she's answering the phone, so she hangs up.

She's completely alone.

* * *

Her childhood was normal. She had a mum and a dad who loved each other, and loved her. She wasn't beaten or sexually abused. They payed for her music and dance lessons, helped her with her homework and even bought her her first car. Her mum was her best friend and her dad was her protected.

She lost a baby at seventeen years old. She was a surrogate mother and gave that baby away at eighteen years old. She moved to New York, didn't achieve her dream, lost the man she loved, raised a child who hates her most of the time and received two phone calls that changed her life forever.

Maybe it's karma for having such a nice childhood.


	13. Tina

**A/N: Sorry this took so long to post. I've been playing around with it for a while because I've never written Tina before, and just when I decided to post it, my internet died and refused to come back up. Its un-beta'd because as soon as I finished it, I wanted to get it up. Enjoy. **

**

* * *

**

She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it. Most of the kids in Glee would be lying if they said they hadn't thought about killing themselves, at least once or twice, and she'd be the biggest liar in the group.

You see, Mr. Schue says that Glee is about being part of something special. He says that it's about belonging to a group of people who have nothing in common apart from their complete and utter love of music. She disagrees. She thinks Glee is about having so little that there is no other choice but to cling to these people because they understand what it's like.

(Her only reaction when she gets the call on that Tuesday night is surprise. She didn't think Rachel would be the first to go).

* * *

She has a best friend. His name is Artie. He's disabled. Whenever she's asked about herself, that's what she mentions. It's funny, really, how Artie is the most monumental person in her life when so many people just overlook him.

If they ask for any more information, she says that she's Asian and streaks her hair in bold colours, while wearing somewhat bizarre clothes because that's how she expresses herself. And maybe that's true. Sometimes, she thinks it might be, but other times, when her dad frowns over the A minus grade on her report, she thinks it's just for attention (just like that fake stutter).

Her story isn't important, not when compared to the others in the club. She hasn't had life-changing moments like the others have, and therefore, she doesn't have a story to tell. She doesn't have a bunch of moments that all tie together to reveal more about herself, coming to a dramatic conclusion when one of her friends tries to kill herself.

Her story _starts _on that Tuesday night.

* * *

She gets the call like the other kids did that night, receiving the news from Mercedes and passing it on to Artie. Mercedes is crying on the phone and Artie drops his cell phone on the floor, forcing her to wait for five minutes while he composes himself and picks the phone up again. She's emotionless.

She wonders why Rachel was the first to go, or at least the first who _attempted _to go. She wonders why no one managed to stop her because there was always a constant flow of people through the brunette's life. She wonders if Artie feels like a mega douche for the way he treated Rachel after all she did for him.

(_She doesn't cry). _

She walks up the stairs and into her bathroom. There's red hair dye sitting on the side because she was going to put more streaks in her hair on Wednesday afternoon and she wishes she had put them in already. It would have been so _morbid _to walk into a hospital with blood-red streaks in her hair.

She contemplates putting them in now because whether or not she's at the hospital won't change the outcome of the scenario, but when her phone buzzes again, she realizes she _has _to be there.

(She runs down the stairs _after_ grabbing the dye. Maybe there will be time to do her hair at the hospital).

* * *

She's a walking stereotype. She's the girl in every teen movie who is terrified of expressing herself but dresses in bold clothes anyway, just to be noticed. She's never the starring character, mainly a minor character, and sometimes, she's just that person in the background that draws attention for a few seconds.

Her parents got divorced and her mum moved out of the house and out of Lima. She had to stay with her dad because she'd already started at McKinley and neither of her parents wanted her to start over.

Her mum calls once a week, generally on a Sunday evening, and they talk about what they've been doing. The conversation always ends up on what her dad's up to. It's the same questions every week: is he eating properly, is he dating, is he sleeping at least eight hours every night? It's sad really because her mum is still head over heels in love with him.

She and her dad rarely talk, and when they do, it's stilted. He'll ask about school and she'll answer as quickly as possible because he doesn't really care. He's busy and he's only asking because otherwise her mum will call and tell him off (they still talk every other day). The only time he's actually interested is when she brings home her reports and then she's that disappointing child with poor grades (a B plus or an A minus are just not good enough).

Artie tries to help – he holds her and wipes away her tears – but he doesn't really understand. He doesn't remember what it's like to have two parents, and most of the time, he feels like he doesn't even have his dad. He has serious family problems; hers are just minor. Her mum and dad are both alive and they're still friends and it could be so much worse.

That's when she starts streaking her hair because not even her best friend understands.

* * *

When she sees Artie in the waiting room, she's tempted to turn around and walk away. Rachel won't know if she's there, and she doubts the rest of the club cares either way, but she doesn't want to spend the next couple of hours with him.

Things are still awkward, even though the whole "fake stutter" situation was months ago. He was her best friend and he turned his back on her like they'd never stayed up all night watching horror movies or had water fights in the middle of summer. He left her behind like she wasn't the most important person in his life. That's what really hurt because she always thought of him as the most important person in _hers_.

She was there for him through everything – whether it was being locked in a portable toilet or not being allowed to join the sports team – just like Rachel was all those years ago, and he still left her like she was nothing. Their friendship was supposed to be able to survive anything, yet he still treated her like dirt, even though he had cried many times about the way he had treated Rachel.

She sits beside him anyway because even if he couldn't see past the fake stutter, he was still the most important person in her life. He always had been and he always would be.

* * *

Her tryout for Glee club was a dare – from Artie, no less. He thought it would be hilariously funny to see her stand on a stage in a stereotypically "Goth" outfit and sing such a bubblegum pop song. Of course, she agreed to the dare on the condition that he'd try out for the club as well.

When she looks back on it now, she regrets asking him to join the club as well. That's when everything really fell apart.

She can see Artie's eyes wide as Santana screams at Quinn, and she thinks that he's _happy _when the Latina hits the blonde. She doesn't really care either way – both of the girls are vain, vapid bitches and she hates both of them.

Even after joining Glee, the two cheerleaders (Brittany didn't count because the girl had no clue what her friends were doing most of the time) had thrived on putting the others down. Sure, Quinn took a brief break so that the club could console her over her pregnancy and the loss of everything she ever loved, but as soon as Beth had been given away, she'd been back to the head bitch position she adored so much.

So really, she doesn't give a crap that Santana and Quinn are fighting over dominance yet again. Neither of them deserves to be here. Quinn was never anything but cruel and evil in regards to Rachel, and Santana was probably even worse – cruel, then in love with the brunette, then turning her back on her.

None of them deserve to be here.

* * *

She's always hated the fact that people thought men and women couldn't be just friends. After all, she was just friends with Artie for a long, long time, and she loved proving people wrong. Their eyes would widen and after they managed to regain their composure, they'd nod and smile.

She liked breaking the stereotype until one day, she saw Artie as more than just her best friend. His lips were really pink and his arms looked really buff and his eyes were sparkling and he looked _beautiful. _

She should have known that she would fall for Artie eventually. She always was a stereotype.

* * *

A nurse asks if they're the family of Rachel Berry. She's glad none of them stand up because even though Mr. Schue says that Glee is a family, they didn't act that way towards Rachel. The only reason they kept her around was because of her voice, yet they spent most of their time telling her to shut up.

She can hear the nurse saying that it's up to Rachel to pull through now, and she can tell that Santana is this close to falling apart. Her hands are literally shaking and her skin is a funny colour that looks completely odd and out of place.

Tina feels bad but she's satisfied now that she sees Santana is a normal human being. She hates that the girl finally showed she had a heart because Rachel tried to kill herself, but at the same time, she's relieved that Santana is actually human.

That's when her tears start.

* * *

It hurt – a lot – when Artie turned his back on her after the whole "fake stutter" drama. She had Kurt and Mercedes, and she didn't tell them the whole story, just that Artie didn't want her anymore and that he was incredibly mad.

She sat in Glee, Kurt and Mercedes on either side of her, and she'd stare straight ahead while the other two glared at her former best friend. She knew that she didn't deserve to have them on her side – after all, it was all her fault – but she had this silly little idea that if Artie felt alone, he'd forgive her and everything would be back to normal.

Really, it just pushed him further away, and it drove a wedge between them that made it nearly impossible to regain even a fraction of what they had once had.

That was the start of the Quinn phrase.

* * *

She's handed a note with her name on it. It's a white envelope with black, black writing, and everyone else is staring at their envelope like it's a matter of life and death. She rips hers straight open because no matter what Rachel wrote, the brunette is still going to be lying in that hospital room with cuts up and down her arm.

She wishes she had never opened it.

* * *

_Tina, Tina, Tina... _

_You're different from the others. I could always tell. It's not the way you dress or the way you colour your hair. It's not superficial. I think it's your heart. I know you have a heart – I wouldn't accuse you of something that horrible considering how much you care for Artie – but somewhere along the way, I think you lost the key to your heart. _

_You see, you and I aren't so different. We dress differently and we aren't afraid to show who we really are, although deep down, we know that no one actually _knows _us. We think that we let people in, and that we love and trust a lot of people, but that's not true. The only person you've ever let in is Artie. He's the only one who truly knows you. You may think that Kurt and Mercedes know you but they don't. They don't know anything about you apart from the things that everyone can see – the superficial things. _

_I know that you know what happened between Artie and me all those years ago. You know that I was one of the only people to visit him in hospital and that I cared about him a lot. On the first day that I saw Artie lying in that hospital bed, I let him into my heart. I think that when he turned his back on me, just like he turned his back on you after the "fake stutter" situation, I lost a part of myself. I think you lost a part of yourself too. _

_I wanted to help you. I really, really did. I cared about every single person in Glee, even though they didn't care about me, and I thought that maybe you'd realize that you didn't have to close yourself off from everyone but Artie. _

_I thought maybe I could be your person. I thought that you were over the way Artie just got to pick and choose, and the way the cheerleaders were just allowed to carry on torturing us even though Mr. Schue was presenting speech after speech about unity. I thought you were over being a background character to people who don't deserve the attention when all they've done is push other people down. I thought you were over it – just like I was over it. _

_I guess I was wrong though. You lost the key to your heart a long, long time ago and it was stupid for me to think I could be your person. _

_You're just like the rest of them. You only think about yourself and the people you hold close to you – in your case, Artie – and everything else that happens doesn't matter to you. _

_I thought that you could help me. _

_

* * *

_

She doesn't know why it hurts so much.

(She wishes that she could make a scene like Santana just did).

* * *

The Quinn Fabray phase was the worst month of her life. It was after the "fake stutter" thing, and after she tried to steal Kurt and Mercedes so Artie would beg her to come back. She has no one to blame but herself for pushing him away, but it didn't stop it from hurting.

You see, the Quinn Fabray phase was when she lost her best friend _and_ the boy she maybe, sort of, loved. Quinn was pregnant, but it was after Finn and before Puck, and she was alone. She was single and in the stage where she loved the Glee kids and considered them her family. She was alone but somehow, she still looked like a supermodel.

Artie used to wheel her to all of her classes, and they'd laugh and giggle and at one point, she even walked in on the two of them singing together.

That was the month when Artie replaced her with the most beautiful girl she had ever laid eyes on. It was the month when Artie realized he could do so much better than her. It was the month when Artie stopped watching her and started watching Quinn. It was the month where Artie fell in love with someone that wasn't _her_.

It was the worst month of her life.

* * *

The Quinn Fabray phase ended as suddenly as it started. All of a sudden, Quinn didn't need to be wheeled to her classes, despite the fact that she was waddling instead of walking, and her eyes stopped seeking out Artie and started looking at Puck. Artie looked heartbroken, especially when Quinn would deliberately walk in the opposite direction to avoid him.

Even though Artie hadn't spoken to her properly in about a month, she still counted him as her best friend and she refused to sit back and watch Quinn Fabray crush her best friend's heart without saying anything.

So she cornered Quinn in the bathroom and yelled until her face was red. She yelled until Quinn at least had the decency to look ashamed. She called her an idiot who didn't realize that she just turned her back on the guy who could have been the best part of her life.

Quinn waits until she's finished yelling before her face turns to stone. "I let you yell because Artie is your best friend and you want to protect him – I get it. If you ever speak to me like that again, I won't hesitate to end you, are we clear?" she hissed, before turning and walking out of the room without waiting for an answer.

That's when she starts to _hate_ Quinn Fabray.

* * *

"I'm not sure if all of you know this yet, but Rachel is in a coma. She's in a stable condition, and we just have to wait for her to wake up now. You can all go home, or go to the cafeteria now; there's no point waiting here", one of Rachel's dad's explains, before falling into one of the chairs, exhausted.

Kurt and Mercedes pull her out of her chair and inform her that they're going to the cafeteria. They even invite Artie with them because when a 'friend' tries to kill themselves; arguments seem to just be forgotten.

(She hates how Quinn just runs out of the hospital without any punishment. She hates how when Mike follows after, he looks like he wants to be the next to go).

* * *

"How could Rachel do this?"

None of them answer. Kurt's already mentioned the new outfit he's thinking of buying; Mercedes mentioned the _weather_, and she's already described (in detail) that documentary that was on TV last week. Artie hasn't said anything.

She can feel that prickly feeling in her eyes, the one that she always feels right before she starts crying, and she hates being so weak in this situation.

Most of all, she hates herself because she knows how Rachel could do this.

(She was so over the complete and utter crap we threw at her that she wrote fifteen suicide notes and then took a blade to her wrist).

* * *

Jesse stumbles into the cafeteria when they've run out of things to talk about. They've _never _ran out of things to talk about before.

Jesse looks nothing like the boy they used to know and distrust. He looks like he's about to fall apart, and he's whimpering words that she can't hear but Artie clearly can, based on the way he's comforting the older boy.

Eventually, Artie stops reassuring him, and the table falls silent when Santana collapses into the last spare seat at the table. It's the weirdest gathering of people ever but that's what hospitals do to people.

That's when the speaker crackles to life.

"_Code blue, fourth floor"_

_

* * *

_

She pushes Artie back into the waiting room, and she just wants to turn around and leave. Brittany's on the floor, Mike (she doesn't know when he came back, but here he is) is slumped in a chair, Finn's crying (again), Jesse's debating whether to comfort Shelby, whose trying to hold herself together, Mercedes and Kurt are holding each other up and it's just a chaotic mess.

She can't stop herself from wondering if this is what would have happened if she had been the one to take the blade to her wrist.

Brittany, the only cheerleader Tina ever liked, looks like she's the one dying. She never knew that Brittany and Rachel were friends or even _spoke_. Mike looks like he's close to throwing up, which doesn't surprise her, because he ran out of the hospital earlier looking the exact same.

She wants to slap Finn across the face because he's still crying. She doesn't understand why he's crying when he had so many chances with Rachel but threw them all away for Quinn. Shelby looks like she's been punched in the stomach, and that satisfies her, because she doesn't understand how a mother can be that cruel.

Santana runs in and makes another scene, but this time, she can't bring herself to feel satisfied. Santana is covered in blood and she looks like she'd trade in anything if Rachel would just open her eyes. She can't believe she didn't notice the blood before.

There's more blood though because Puck is punching the wall, showing those violence tendencies that she always knew he had but never witnessed firsthand. She doesn't know how he continues after the blood starts dripping onto the floor, but she's kind of proud because he's finally dedicating himself to something.

(She wishes that these people cared this strongly about her).

* * *

"She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now"

It's probably the worst news they could get outside of "Rachel passed away" but everyone sighs with relief anyway.

Artie looks at her, his eyes watery from tears he hasn't shed, and asks if she wants to get out of here. She nods because she'd follow Artie anywhere. He's the best part of her – the only part that she's ever truly liked.

He's not perfect. He can be judgemental and stubborn and downright hurtful even though it isn't always intentional. She loves him though, in a big way that she never really anticipated. She never expected to fall in love with the boy in the wheelchair, let alone the kind of love she never really knew existed – the big, grand, all consuming love that she thought only existed in fiction.

Leaving together is a promise. They'll be together one day, and it will be the stuff of fairytales. She can't wait.

* * *

Santana, Brittany, Puck, Finn and Mike don't come back to school at first – not like she, Artie, Kurt, Matt, Quinn and Mercedes do. They camp out at the hospital, taking it in turns to leave the waiting room, and only when it becomes strictly necessary.

Kurt tells them all that Santana and Brittany broke up. She doesn't really want to know why, although Kurt obviously wants to share, because it's clearly private. She wouldn't want everyone else to know about the drama in her life, and she owes them the same courtesy (well, she owes it to Brittany. She still isn't keen on Santana).

Mike and Puck drop out of the football team. She's proud of Mike for finally standing up for himself – everyone in Glee knew that the boy loved dancing more than he ever liked football – and she's immensely grateful that Puck has learnt his lesson. She hopes that when he comes back to school, he'll be nicer to them and actually acts like he cares. Finn doesn't drop out of the team and loses his best friends over it. She doesn't know why she flinches every time she sees him in his football jersey (Finn was always the nicest jock) but she knows that she's disappointed that he didn't change anything about himself.

(She's so, so happy when Artie comes up with the idea to ask Quinn to leave Glee club. It's yet another step in the right direction).

* * *

Artie doesn't return to the hospital, but she does. She misses Rachel and the way she commanded all of their rehearsals and pushed them to be better. She misses the way Rachel instinctively knew if something was wrong, and she misses the sugar cookies that would turn up in her locker the next day.

She just missesRachel and wishes that she hadn't been so quick to judge the "diva".

(She's so, so grateful that Rachel showed her just how much pain this would cause before she took a blade to her own wrist).

* * *

Rachel never comes back to McKinley High and that alone brings tears to her eyes. They managed to establish a zero tolerance policy, and everyone caught in an act of bullying is immediately suspended. She and Artie work together to cover every point before presenting the proposal to the school board and she's never felt more comfortable with her best friend.

The day when they're told that their policy is approved is the day they share their second first-kiss. It's magical and perfect and she can feel it all the way through her body. She's never felt so happy before.

(The next day, she paints her nails blue. It's Artie's favourite colour).

* * *

He proposes to her the day before her eighteenth birthday and she says yes because he's all she ever wanted. The ring isn't massive, but when he slides it on her finger, it catches the sun and throws beams everywhere.

Predictably, her dad causes a fuss, but her mum has never been happier and she helps her plan the wedding. She wears white because she may as well conform to yet another stereotype, and it's worth it when she sees the tears in Artie's eyes.

Her mum is her maid of honour and his dad is his best man, even though that's not supposed to be the way things go. Her mum is the closest thing she has to a best friend, and Artie just wants his dad to be part of the big day.

The Glee club sits in the front row – their smiles larger than they've been in a while. They are a family, have been since that night in the hospital and this is the first pair of them getting married. They're growing up.

* * *

She sees a blonde in the back of the room, and she has to bite her lip to stop from frowning. She can't believe Quinn would dare to crash her wedding. They haven't spoken since they asked her to leave the club and she never wanted to see the blonde again unless it was unavoidable.

Quinn's holding hands with a man with blonde hair and a large, large mouth and they look happy. Well, he looks happy, while she's glaring. She looks as beautiful as she always did – the stereotypical all-American beauty – and when she notices that Tina's staring, she cracks a small smile. It's then that she notices that Quinn's eyes are completely empty, and that thought alone makes her turn her head back to the front.

(On the way, she sees a flash of brown hair and her heart stops beating. She wishes it was Rachel).

* * *

She has a husband. His name is Artie. He's disabled. Whenever she's asked about herself, that's what she mentions. It's funny, yet perfect, that Artie is still the most monumental person in her life when so many people still just overlook him.

If they ask for any more information, she says that she loves to sing and was in a high school glee club. She mentions her second family and the way they all banded together in times of great sorrow.

Her story isn't important, not when compared to the others in the club. When she was younger, she didn't have life-changing moments like the others did. Her story was _Artie_. She didn't have a bunch of moments that all tied together to reveal more about herself, before coming to a dramatic conclusion when one of her friends ended up in hospital.

Her story _starts _on that Tuesday night.

(It starts with a note).


	14. Finn

**A/N: Sorry about the delay. I've been working a lot and struggling to find time to write. To answer one of the reviews: no, there won't be the Sue/Sandy/Tanaka/Emma/Figgins chapter because I wanted to continue on with the story instead of getting side-tracked with minor characters. **

**I've tried something different with this chapter. Instead of mixing the past with the present, and then the future at the end, it progresses in a normal time sequence. This chapter starts when Finn is six and a half, and ends in the future. Let me know what you think of the style. Oh, and I got a little carried away with the length... oops!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. **

**

* * *

**

He meets _Noah_ when he's six and a half, and the rest kind of spins out from there. They're best friends instantly because Noah's mum bakes some really nice cookies and Noah's dad lets them sit on the couch and watch sports with them. He doesn't have a dad and his mum's always working and it's nice to see a real family.

Plus, Noah's mum is pregnant and that means there's going to be a new baby soon, and both he and Noah are excited about this. They hope it's gonna be a boy so that they can teach him how to play sports and flirt with girls.

He just knows that this is forever.

* * *

Noah becomes Puck at the age of seven and a half when his dad packs his bags and walks out the door without looking back. He has a six month old baby sister crying and his mum is trying not to fall apart and the only thing he can do is call his best friend.

Finn admits, even if it's only to himself, that he was pretty useless. Sure, he knew what it was like to not have a dad, but he had never really _known _his dad, not like _Puck _had. His dad had always been off fighting and he had sent postcards but he'd never really known him.

He helps cook the food that they find in the freezer (chicken nuggets) and tries to help Puck feed Hannah (his sister), although she keeps spitting the food back out. That snaps Aviva (his mum) out of whatever trance she was in, and although she smiles at them as she tells them to play outside, he can see that she's still got water rolling down her cheeks.

He still knows that this is _forever_ but it just got a lot more messed up.

* * *

He was right about Puck and their friendship being forever. They stay friends all through primary school, and they just _work. _Puck's the confident one and makes the friends, and he's the nice one, who smoothes things over whenever they get annoyed at Puck.

They're closer than friends, more like brothers, and he finally feels that he has a real family. Puck sleeps at his house on Monday's and Thursday's (when his mum isn't working) and Finn sleeps at his house on Tuesday's and Saturday's (when his mum _is _working) and they are almost never apart.

They don't even fight like normal brothers. Every now and then, they'll throw a couple of mock punches but the rest of the time, everything is perfect.

Perfection never lasts though.

* * *

The first year of high school is when Noah becomes a "badass". He starts skipping lessons and hooking up with a bunch of cheerleaders who think that his newly grown Mohawk and his place on the football team are hot.

The football team immediately like him, mainly because he quickly throws a slushy on a girl that probably doesn't deserve it (he'll later learn that this girl was Rachel, and she definitely didn't deserve it).

They stop hanging out every single day because Puck has his own life with girls and booze now, but they're still really close. They sit together when Puck shows up to lunch, and they always party together after football games, and they both get along well with Mike and Matt, who are also really good mates.

Their "gruesome twosome" thing becomes the "awesome foursome" but it works because even though there are four of them, they still split up into pairs sometimes. It's only after it becomes the seven of them when things get messed up.

Seven just doesn't work.

* * *

He meets Quinn Fabray on the first day of school. She has this shiny blond hair that throws beams when the light hits it and a smile that stops the world from turning. It's her first year at McKinley High, although it's her second year in high school which makes her the only new kid at McKinley and he can tell that she's at least a little bit nervous.

He's not bothered about high school. It's his second year and he already knows most of the kids because they've moved up from primary school together and Puck, his best friend, is going to be by his side throughout all the crap that's thrown at him. He's already set.

She's not though. She's new in town and she doesn't know anyone at the school and she looks a tad freaked out, so he goes and introduces himself. Her smile grows when he awkwardly shakes her hand (god, if Puck saw this, he'd be _tortured) _and she actually laughs a little when he offers to show her around the school. It's a cute laugh, not a mean one, and he can feel butterflies in his stomach (god, he sounds like such a _girl_) and he wonders where this girl has been all of his life.

He tells her that he's already part of the football team – the quarterback actually because Coach Tanaka decided that he wanted younger, fitter guys over guys that had more experience - and misses the way her smile gets bigger and slightly manipulative when she hears the news. He also doesn't notice the way her eyes roam over Puck when his best friend shows up at lunch. He's blinded to the way her hair smells and the way her hips sway when she walks.

She's _perfect _and Puck seems to agree ("she's fucking hot dude, ask her out before some other douche does and stop whining about it") so at the end of her first day at McKinley, he asks her out. She says yes, and the rest is history.

* * *

She tries out for the cheerio's without telling him. They aren't official yet – they've only been on a handful of dates – and she shows up for lunch clad in a uniform with her hair in a high ponytail. Puck stares at her legs while he stares at the uniform in shock.

"Do you like it?" she asks, her voice sweet as sugar, while two other cheerio's hang around behind her (Puck winks at the one that's glaring, and she smirks back).

"I don't get it..."

"Well, Brittany's in my math class and I overheard her saying that there was a spot open on the cheerleading squad. She and Santana are in the development squad, and I thought I might as well give it a shot so I asked Coach Sylvester if I could try out. She agreed, liked my try-out and gave me the uniform. I'm in the development squad like Santana and Brittany now", she explained, her eyes alight with happiness.

He's already whipped, so he smiles and nods, and acts like this is the best thing that's ever happened. It's not that much of a lie, really, because her legs look awesome in that skirt and he likes the way her eyes are shining.

(The change comes quickly).

* * *

As soon as Quinn, Brittany and Santana are moved out of the development squad and put on the _actual _squad, she demands that they make their relationship facebook official. He's so amazed that she's moved up so quickly (most of the girls on the development squad never go anywhere and are just kept around as spares) that he doesn't even think about his answer before agreeing.

He changes his status that night and the whole cheer squad and a bunch of jocks like his changed relationship status, and he likes the cute message Quinn leaves on his wall that night before he goes to bed. He loves the sudden rush of friend requests from hot girls who now know he exists because he's dating Quinn.

(That's why he ignores the fact that Quinn ordered a jock to throw a slushy at Jacob Ben Israel the next day).

* * *

They've been dating for about two months and it's kind of perfect. She tells him how to act, where to take her on dates, what to wear and (only occasionally) what to say.

Her popularity soars – the girls respect her because she has an obedient boyfriend and the boy's lust after her because she's got the body of a goddess – and that makes Coach Sylvester sit up and take notice.

That's why she's appointed head cheerio after just a couple of months on the squad. She makes a lot of enemies, mainly girls who had their eye on the spot, but none of them dare to say anything to her face because she's the new favourite.

Only Santana has the guts to say anything. She's the second in command but it's clear she doesn't appreciate trailing after Quinn. She does her best to undermine Quinn at every opportunity, and she and Brittany stop hanging around Quinn after school.

He can tell that his girlfriend is upset that she's lost her only two friends but he doesn't know how to comfort her, and to be honest, she doesn't seem like she really cares what he has to say. He stays quiet and watches as she rules over the school with an iron first, just like the head cheerleader before her did.

He watches her order around Santana and Brittany (although Santana only obeys the orders because she doesn't want Coach Sylvester to get mad, and Brittany doesn't really know what's going on), and watches her torture the kids she defines as "losers". He knows that her attitude sucks but she's really, really pretty and people notice him more when he's around her, and he likes being popular so he doesn't say anything.

He even respects her when she starts a celibacy club.

* * *

At first, he thinks the celibacy club is a good idea. It gives her something else to concentrate on, instead of just bullying techniques, cheerleading routines and their latest dates, and she's much more relaxed when she feels like she's being faithful to her religion.

Then he realizes that being celibate means no sex, which sucks because Quinn's hot and he thought that having sex with her would be awesome. Then he notices that Quinn's way of staying true to her religion is actually kind of stupid because most of the girls in the group make out with Puck straight after the meetings.

When he tells her that her club isn't working, she screams at him for an hour and then throws him out of her house for daring to question her religion. He doesn't even get to give her the rose he bought for their three month anniversary, so he gets yelled at the next day for forgetting the "importance of their relationship".

He likes Quinn a lot but she makes him feel really stupid sometimes.

* * *

Four months in and she agrees to make-out with him as long as his hands don't wander. That means he has to lie down and not move a muscle while she does all the work. Whenever Puck asks about their relationship, he lies and says that they make-out all the time and they're making their way around the bases and it's _awesome_. He'd never live it down if Puck found out what really went on in Quinn's bedroom after the celibacy club meetings.

The making out is still great because Quinn's a girl and she smells nice and she's like, the hottest girl at school, but he's still a teenage guy and his hands can't help but get curious. He didn't mean to touch her butt, it just happened.

It was totally worth the ten minute lecture he got after, followed by the prayer, because Quinn has a great butt.

* * *

Five months in and he meets Rachel Berry. She's kind of short but her legs go on for miles and he thinks that's pretty cool. Her skirts are really short and she doesn't see him staring so he takes that as a sign and keeps looking.

Her voice is amazing – like, the world stops turning when she opens her mouth – and she may be annoying as hell, but she believes in everyone and that's awesome because Quinn's always putting him down.

He feels bad about the way he treats her, especially with the whole kissing in the auditorium thing, but he's with Quinn and he doesn't want that to change. Rachel may smell like vanilla and coconut but she isn't popular and he _likes _being popular. Plus, Rachel's pretty and everything, but Puck would never stop teasing him if he dumped Quinn Fabray (the goddess) for Rachel Berry (the self-confessed Broadway diva).

That's why he kisses her and runs away – that and his "performance" issues – and he feels like a dick after because he just cheated on his girlfriend and hurt the only person who ever really believed in him.

(It doesn't matter though because he's still king of the school).

* * *

Quinn's pregnant and he doesn't know how that's possible because all they ever did was make-out. She explains it though and he has no reason to think that she's lying because she's only ever brutally honest with him.

Maybe he kisses Rachel for the wrong reasons but he really needs her in Glee club. He needs a scholarship so that he can graduate and get a good job and support Quinn and the baby... he needs to support his family.

Rachel looks really pretty when they go on their date, and they have fun, but he's got a baby on the way and he isn't going to leave Quinn, no matter how amazing Rachel is. She comes back to Glee, and then leaves again when she finds out about Quinn and he feels terrible that she's hurt but at the same time, he's thinking of ways to get her to rejoin the club.

He gets what he wants in the end, and it doesn't matter than he had to play downright dirty to get it, because he's got a pregnant girlfriend and a future, and Rachel doesn't seem so important anymore.

* * *

He and Rachel have all these _moments _that would mean so much more if the rest of his life wasn't already planned out. If he didn't have a pregnant girlfriend, or a best friend that kept trying to undermine him, or a job that forced him to stay in a wheelchair for hours on end, he would have probably noticed himself falling for the girl with the voice that stopped the world.

He_ did_ have a pregnant girlfriend, a best friend that undermined him, and a job that forced him to stay in a wheelchair though, so he didn't notice himself falling for Rachel Berry. He didn't notice until _after _she whispered a secret in his ear with tears rolling down her face. He didn't notice until _after _he'd thrown punches at his "best friend" and screamed at his girlfriend.

He didn't notice until it was too late.

* * *

He'd never really known what betrayal was like until the week leading up to Sectionals. He was the golden boy who was nice to almost everyone, and in return, he was left out of the firing-line. He'd never felt betrayal until the girl he'd come to consider one of his best friends told him that Drizzle (his _daughter) _wasn't his.

He blames three people for what went down around Sectionals – Quinn and Puck obviously, but also Rachel. He's not mad at the club because he understands why they kept it a secret – after all, he's the master of manipulation – but he's _furious _at Quinn, Puck and Rachel.

Quinn, for being a lying bitch who made him feel like the scum of the earth when he couldn't provide enough for a baby that wasn't even his. She had treated him like he was rubbish when the whole time, she was lying to him about _everything_.

Puck, for throwing away twelve years of friendship for one drunken night and then lying about it for months after, as if all those secrets they'd shared and things they promised meant nothing.

And Rachel... she was probably the worst one of the lot. She had made him believe in her, and then, when he needed her the most, she couldn't make him feel better. He had considered her one of his best friends and she couldn't fix him – she couldn't make anything better, and now he was terrified that she'd do something to hurt him, just like Puck did.

(He still shows up to Sectionals though because his _family _needs him).

* * *

His life sucks majorly after that. Rachel decides that they're dating and he doesn't have the heart to say no because he doesn't want to lose his best friend. He always thought that if Quinn wasn't pregnant, he'd be with Rachel, but it feels way too sudden. He still has feelings for Quinn and he doesn't want to get out of bed most mornings because he gets these awful chest pains but he can't tell Rachel that.

Sometimes he forgets dates and Rachel makes the biggest effort, but he can't always bring himself to care. She texts him to remind him about their plans, or to say good night, or to let him know that she's thinking about him, and he doesn't always reply or even read all the messages but she knows that he cares and that he's going through a tough time.

The thing he does feel sorry for is breaking up with her to go on a date with Santana and Brittany and then expecting her to be waiting around for him.

* * *

Jesse St. James is the worst person he's ever met – even worse than Puck and Quinn _combined_. He has perfect hair, and perfect clothes and a perfect voice, and a perfect car, and he's just _perfect_. Rachel's always wanted everything to be perfect and now she's found the perfect guy.

He realizes just how much he wants her when he can't have her, but he's never given up easily, so he writes a list of ways to win her back. His only idea is music because Rachel lives for music and it's one of the only things he's good at.

She snatches the idea right out of his hands when she asks him to be in her Run Joey Run video, and he thinks that this is the opening he's been waiting for. She'll finally be his and they'll get a proper go at it.

Turns out that he was triple cast with two of the worst people ever (Puck and Jesse) and he realizes that this manipulation thing really, really hurts.

* * *

He gets over the whole lying thing pretty quickly though because it's Rachel and he doesn't want to lose his shot with her. He tells her he loves her at Regional's and she doesn't reply but that's okay. It feels good to just say it. He figures that they'll hang around after and talk things through, but then Quinn's in labour, and Drizzle's coming.

Drizzle isn't his daughter and Quinn hurt him so much that he really shouldn't be there, but everyone is running after her, so he follows. He loves Driz – _Beth - _so much even though it's not his baby and he's not going to miss her being born.

It's not until after he's at the hospital that he realizes that he left Rachel at the competition.

* * *

He reunites with Puck in the holidays because Beth's been given away for adoption and his ex-best friend is starting to lose his marbles. He knocks on Rachel's door because he figures that she can't turn him away now that she knows he loves her.

She does say yes, and their summers really fun. They don't talk about love because Puck's always there, but it's perfect and there's no pressure, and he thinks he could spend the rest of his life with this girl.

She's _amazing_.

Sometimes, he'll hold her hand when Puck's looking in the opposite direction, and he'll open her car door for her whenever he remembers. Her hands are really soft and small, and he likes the smile he gets when he opens the car door.

He thinks this might be _forever_.

* * *

There's a Glee club party thrown by Quinn and he, Puck and Rachel all decide to go. He wants to go so that he can show Quinn that he's happy without her, Puck wants to go so he can pretend he's okay with the fact that she gave away their daughter, and Rachel wants to go because they're going.

It's better than he thought it would be. Quinn looks beautiful (she's still that goddess he never thought he'd have a chance with) and Puck's cracking jokes and laughing like he hasn't done in a long time. He doesn't even notice that Rachel's gone until she texts him later that night and asks if he can bring home her jacket because she left it in the living room earlier that day.

He probably should pay more attention to her, even if they aren't official yet.

* * *

He loves her and they shared an amazing summer but school's a different game. He likes being popular, and his reputation is already decreasing because he's in Glee, and he can't lose anymore cool points.

That's why he stands with Brittany and Santana and ignores Rachel when she walks in. He just can't be at the bottom of the social ladder because he _loves _the top. He loves it more than Rachel, and that may make him a jerk, but he's a teenage boy and he's allowed to be a jerk sometimes.

(He's allowed to not defend the girl he loves when his best friend throws a slushy in her face).

* * *

When Rachel's told that she's not allowed to be Glee captain anymore, he can't look her in the eye. He doesn't want to forget all about their summer but when Quinn's given captain, he can see what's going to happen. He was always powerless against the head cheerleader, even after she tore his heart to shreds.

He waits for Puck to defend her, or maybe Mr. Schue to stand up and say that this isn't appropriate and demeans the true value of the club, but that moment never comes.

He just sits and watches as Rachel's favourite thing is taken away from her.

* * *

He and Quinn get back together and it's better this time around because he knows what she wants and he knows just what to expect. She wants him to be the perfect boyfriend, so he does just that. He ignores Rachel and that pain in his chest he seems to get whenever she's around, and concentrates on Quinn.

And Santana.

He slept with her once before, when Rachel was with Jesse St. Jackass, and he sleeps with her again and again behind Quinn's back, because it's easy, and kind of fun, and he knows that it'll hurt Quinn if she ever found out.

(He sleeps with Rachel because there's always a part of him that loves her. They're inevitable).

* * *

Santana is the first to come forward with the news, and he sees no point in lying to Quinn about Rachel because she must realize by now that they'll end up together.

He's wrong though, because Santana almost gets away with it while Rachel is tortured. He should have known that things wouldn't work out the way he planned because that never happens.

Slushies are thrown at her every morning and people try to trip her whenever she walks through the hallways and he's sure that more goes on that he's unaware of, but he doesn't know how to stop it. Quinn's controlling Glee as well, and she's still got shiny hair, a pretty smile and a charming smirk and he doesn't know if he _wants _to stand up for Rachel.

Rachel will forgive him no matter what he does because she loves him, but he needs to be with Quinn right now. He and Rachel can be together after high school, when there's no pressure or social stuff to worry about, but right now, he needs to be popular. He _needs _Quinn.

He stays silent, and that's when he starts to lose Rachel, although he doesn't know it at the time.

* * *

He doesn't get to hear Rachel's voice for a while because she doesn't get solo's. He thinks that she'll be okay though because Santana stands next to her at rehearsals, and ever since Brittany started hanging around Quinn again, Satan must need a friend. He thinks that Rachel could be that friend.

He doesn't notice the hickeys that show up on her neck, or the way Santana's eyes linger on Rachel whenever she walks out of a room. He doesn't notice anything about Santana or Rachel, or even anything about _RachelandSantana_, because he's too busy trying to win Quinn's approval.

He doesn't notice the Rachel and Santana saga, or Rachel slowly getting stronger, but he does notice when Brittany and Santana start holding hands again.

(He feels like an idiot when he doesn't join the dots and realize that Rachel's alone again).

* * *

He stops speaking to Puck when his best friend starts hooking up with Rachel. He has no reason to be mad because he's supposed to be crushing on Quinn, and Rachel hasn't been his for a long time (hasn't ever really been his) but he _is _mad.

It doesn't make sense because he's not supposed to want Rachel anymore. He's not supposed to be looking at her, or noticing like she's looking at Puck like he's god's gift to the world.

He doesn't notice the way Puck's eyeing up Quinn and doesn't tell him to back-off because he's too busy worrying about how far Rachel's gone with his best friend. He doesn't notice the way Puck's watching Quinn until the two of them are holding hands and Rachel's looking at them like she might never be the same again.

He doesn't think that any of them will ever be the same again. They're just too messed up.

* * *

He hears Quinn laughing one day about something she calls "homophobic slurs" being written all over the Berry's house. He feels sick to his stomach because he doesn't know if Rachel will be able to get through something like this without anyone by her side.

He wonders why Puck hasn't said anything to Quinn about her attitude, and that's when he realizes. He and Puck have fallen under Quinn Fabray's spell and they've been there for so long, it's unlikely they'll ever get out.

This screwed up, twisted mess of a love square will probably play out for the rest of their lives, and Quinn will always be the centre. She'll always have both boys a little in love with her, and if Rachel isn't the second girl in the equation, another poor, innocent girl will be doomed to be second best.

He wonders when his life got this fucked up.

* * *

It's a Tuesday and he's happy because there's gonna be tater tots at lunch. He's walking towards the cafeteria and he doesn't notice Rachel, because Quinn's standing there and she looks beautiful, and she's smiling in a way she hasn't smiled in a long time.

He doesn't care that his ex-best friend is holding her hand or that Puck actually looks kind of happy, because the rules of this love-square don't take feelings into account. It doesn't matter if Puck is _happy_ or if Quinn's _smiling _because the couples are interchangeable. Nothing is permanent.

(He should have stopped and looked around. He should have noticed Rachel standing there, looking happier than she had in a long time. He should have just given up on Quinn and told Rachel that he still loved her. He should have said that he always saw her in his future but that they couldn't be together in high school because it was just too hard.

He should have _cared_).

* * *

He gets the phone call on a Tuesday night. He was tempted to not answer his phone because he was kind of tired after hours of playing video games, but he never got calls late at night unless it was emergency or Puck was on the verge of passing out in the park because of drinking too much.

He answers and wishes he didn't because hearing that Rachel tried to kill herself was the worst possible way to end his Tuesday.

(He wakes his mum up with tears in her eyes and begs her to drive him to the hospital).

* * *

He doesn't notice much at the hospital. He hears Santana screaming and he knows that it will be aimed towards Quinn (those two always were much better enemies than friends). He can feel Quinn's hand on his arm, and that should make him ecstatic but he knows that she'll also be holding Puck's hand.

It makes him feel sick when he realizes that he only thing separating him from his best friend is the girl who has screwed everything up.

* * *

Puck's mum asks if they're Rachel's family. She's looking at him and Puck with something that looks a lot like sympathy but disapproval at the same time. Only Aviva Puckerman could pull off a look like that.

Actually, she's looking at Quinn with disapproval. She knew all about the baby drama and the way she had lied about who the father was, and she probably knew a lot more because Puck tended to ramble when he was drunk or hung over.

He also realizes that the sympathy isn't for him – it's for Puck. He'd forgotten that his best friend and Rachel had been close friends since they were five; forgotten that Puck had kissed Rachel and held her hand and listened to her ramble and sing – forgotten that once again, Puck had fallen for a girl that wasn't his.

No one stands up to answer Aviva, but they can still hear her talking. He can hear the nurse saying that it's up to Rachel to pull through now and he's never felt so relieved before because Rachel never gave up. She wasn't a quitter.

She was going to be fine. They were all going to be fine.

(But wait... wasn't this her choice?)

* * *

An envelope as white as snow is handed to him, with writing as black as coal on the front. It's got his name written on the front, and Rachel's dads tell him that Rachel left this for him. They don't say anything else to him, just walk away, and he wonders if they know everything that happened between him and their daughter.

He hopes not.

* * *

_Finn,_

_Your letter is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know how to explain everything you've made me feel over the course of almost two years. I just don't know how... I suppose I'll just start from the beginning. _

_I didn't notice you before Glee. I was in my own little bubble, filled with music and worries about Sandy Ryerson and his leadership role in Glee club, and my bubble didn't extend to notice the football players and the cheerleaders unless they were going out of their way to be horrible. You weren't one of the people that tortured me, so I didn't know you existed. Sometimes I wonder if life would have turned out better if I never met you. Sometimes, I think everything would be better if I never met you, but other times, I think that I would have reached this point sooner if it wasn't for you. _

_When you joined Glee, the first thing I noticed was your voice. I didn't notice that you were tall, or wore a varsity jacket or had the most amazing eyes; I just noticed your voice. It seemed to seep into my soul and lift me up. I wanted to know you and I just knew you were an amazing person because to have a voice that good, you had to be special. _

_It's why I didn't give up when I found out you were dating Quinn Fabray. I should have given up because I never wanted to be the girl who tries to take someone else's boyfriend, but I thought that it was okay in this case. Quinn's beautiful, and she could get any boy she wanted just by clicking her fingers, and she acted like you were replaceable. I thought you deserved better – I thought you deserved _me. _I realize now that it sounds incredibly stuck-up but at the time, you became my new goal. I wanted you in a way I've never wanted anyone else. _

_Then came the pregnancy and I thought I'd lost you forever. I still wanted you because I had come to know you as an amazing person, but I knew I couldn't have you because you had a future planned out. I was happy for you, deep down, because you, Quinn and Drizzle would have made a perfect family. I tried to pretend that I was satisfied with being just friends and maybe I was satisfied, at least a little bit, because I still had you in my life. You always came back to me and Glee, even if it took you a while, and I always forgave you because you were my best friend and the boy I loved. It didn't matter that you had a baby on the way because I had a small part of you and that was enough. _

_I know that you were mad at me when I told you the truth about Noah and Quinn. You had every right to be mad at me – I did it for purely selfish reasons, and expected you to be over Quinn straight away, and head-over-heels in love with me. I made a mistake telling you because although you should have known the truth, I should have told you in a more tactful manner, outside of school and away from the people who had hurt you. It's just... as soon as I found out that everyone knew, I felt so guilty that they had all kept a secret from you, just to get ahead. I probably would have done the same thing in their place but not to you. I'm manipulative sometimes, but it's never intentional – never around you. _

_I think that's the last time I forgave you instantaneously. After that, you had to work a little harder forgiveness and wait a little longer, and things weren't immediately perfect again. I forgave you instantly for being mad at me over my actions, but when you missed dates and didn't return my message... that's when I started getting mad at you. When you broke up with me for a date with Santana and Brittany, I promised myself that we were through, because I was so damn tired of not being enough for you. I understand if I came on a bit strong after Quinn, but it's just because I cared about you, and all you had to do was tell me honestly that we were too much, too soon, and I would have backed off. You didn't say that though – you just dumped me to find your 'inner rock-star' and assumed I would be waiting for you to come back. I wasn't though, because I was _over _it. _

_Jesse St. James was a phase I hate looking back on, but at the same time, it's one of the times that makes me happiest. You see, Jesse did care, or at least pretended to. I don't know if he ever did care, but at the time, he made it seem like he did, and that was enough for me. Plus, you were there, trying to fight for me in a way you've never fought before. When I looked at you, my heart started beating a little faster, and I tried to stay away from you because I was with Jesse and I just couldn't deal with my feelings for you as well. I won't explain my actions for the Run Joey Run video because, truthfully, I don't know why I did that... all I know is that it was more about me being confused over my feelings that trying to get a bad reputation. _

_You were there when Jesse wasn't, and I thought that maybe it was our turn, especially after the eggs and the 'I love you' at Regional's. I'm sorry I didn't respond to those three words at the competition but you took me by surprise. I was planning on saying them afterwards, because I assumed we'd talk after the competition was over. Instead, you went with Quinn to the hospital and didn't even look at me as we were awarded third place. You suddenly jumped up the list and became the person that hurt me the most – beating Quinn, Jesse, Shelby and Santana (who at this stage, was just cruel and hurtful), because you were supposed to love me and instead, it felt like you couldn't care less. _

_In the end, I was right. You couldn't care less even if you tried. _

_Our summer with Noah was magical, and for the sake of honesty, I have to admit something. I loved you that entire summer but I think I loved Noah too. The two of you are so close that you form one person, and for the first time ever, I felt sympathy for Quinn. I now know how she must have felt trying to choose between you two, because you are sides of the same coin. You're the sweet, sensitive boy who everyone adores, and he's the bad boy with a hidden heart of gold. I loved you both because you are the same person. It's always NoahandFinn and even it was only for a short while, I loved being part of NoahandFinnandRachel. It was magical, so thank you. _

_So, now I'm halfway through, I'll just take a second to let you know that things are going to get worse from here on in. That was the nice part of the letter – the part where I let you know that I cared and that I loved you and that you made me feel complete. The next part is where I let you know how much of a jerk you were. _

_After our summer, I thought that things would be different. I thought that you and Noah were done with Quinn and the games she played, and I thought that it would be _our _year. I thought we would make it official and Noah would be our best friend and McKinley High would finally like me because I'd be dating one of the most popular boys at school, and best friends with the other. I thought my life would finally stop being heartbreaking. I thought I lot of things, but you eventually destroyed my faith in all of them. _

_First off... ignoring me on the first day of school was a shitty thing to do – please excuse my language. We had just shared a magical summer and you demeaned everything we'd shared in less than two minutes. That was the first thing that knocked me off of my game – one of the boys I loved was trying to pretend I didn't exist. It made things worse when the other boy threw a slushy in my face. _

_And then, when you sat and watched as Quinn took my position as Glee co-captain... I don't think I've ever felt worse. You knew how much that meant to me. It was something that we had shared since the very beginning, and you didn't even fight for me – for _us_. You forgot I even existed and all of a sudden, it was QuinnandFinn all over again. She was so horrible to you and you just acted like none of that mattered. I guess it didn't matter – all you cared about was the fact that she's beautiful and perfect on the outside – the complete opposite of me. _

_And the last thing I'll say is that you are a complete ass. You knew I couldn't say no to you because I loved you, and you used that to your advantage. Quinn wasn't "putting out" and all of a sudden, I was good enough. I wasn't enough to be your girlfriend, or someone you'd be seen with in public, but for half an hour in a janitor's closet or some making-out in your room – that was fine. I've never felt more betrayed than when you'd answer Quinn's phone call as I had my hand under your shirt, or the way you'd throw on your clothes and run back to her side as soon as she asked for it. I couldn't say no to you Finn Hudson and you used that. I used to think Quinn was the most manipulative person in the history of the world, but I was wrong. _

_Just like I was wrong about you. _

_I won't say anymore Finn, because anything else I write will just be repeating myself. I won't share the messes I got into after that, because frankly, they are none of your business. You didn't care enough to help me and I don't see why you should suddenly be forgiven now. _

_See, once upon a time, there was a girl who fell in love with a boy. She thought the boy had fallen in love with her too, but she was wrong. You see, if you love someone, you try to make them happy, not try to destroy everything about them. You never loved me Finn because there's no way you could have treated me like that if you did. There's no excuse for some of the things you did to me and I've realized that now. I thought that you would be my happy ending and that it didn't matter how long I waited because you'd be mine in the end. I thought that love was supposed to be about forgiveness and acceptance and patience but I was wrong. There are some things that you can't accept, and some things you can't wait for any longer, and there are some things you can't forgive. _

_I can't forgive you. _

_P.S. I never slept with Jesse. I was saving myself for you. You _were _my first. I had always wanted it to be so romantic and perfect. Jesse tried to make it romantic and perfect, but it just wasn't right because it wasn't with you. _

_My first time was pressed against the wall in a janitor's closet. _

_

* * *

_

He didn't realize it could hurt this much.

* * *

"I'm not sure if all of you know this yet, but Rachel is in a coma. She's in a stable condition, and we just have to wait for her to wake up now. You can all go home, or go to the cafeteria now; there's no point waiting here", one of Rachel's dad's explains, before sitting in one of the chairs.

Kurt, Mercedes, Artie and Tina go to the cafeteria. Quinn runs out of the hospital (he knows that she expects one of them to follow her but he just _can't_) and Mike's close behind her. Santana's already gone, after causing a scene that even he noticed.

He stays because despite what Rachel said in her letter, he did love her. He loved her a lot. He still does.

* * *

"_Code blue, fourth floor"_

It can't end like this. He has to apologise. It can't end like this. It just can't.

* * *

Luck's on their side for once because it hasn't ended. At least, it hasn't ended _yet._

"She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now"

He knows that this isn't the best news possible because Rachel's not awake (she's not even breathing by herself) but at least she's still alive.

* * *

He stays at the hospital with Santana, Brittany, Puck and Mike. They take it in turns to wash in the bathroom or go to the cafeteria and eat, and they're like a family now. Rachel has brought them closer together, and he just wishes she was here to see it.

They only go back to school when Principal Figgins and their parents order them to. Coach Sylvester threatens to kick Santana and Brittany off the squad, and although neither of them care, their parents second the Coach's threat and order their daughters to go back to school. They break up and he has no clue why, but he doesn't want to ask. They'll tell him if they want too.

Mike and Puck drop out of the football team. He wants to drop out too but he can't. This whole mess started because he needed the popularity that came with the football jersey, and he can't give that up. He needs the popularity because if he drops to the bottom and has a slushy thrown at him, he's almost one hundred percent certain that he'll follow Rachel and try to kill himself. Football and popularity are the only things that are keeping him alive right now.

He loses his best friends but he can't bring himself to feel guilty over it. He and Puck will end up back by each other's side again soon because they never stay apart for long. They're brothers and best friends and after twelve years, nothing will tear them completely apart.

His relationships with the Glee kids suffer and he realizes that this must be how Rachel felt the whole time. He hates feeling like an outsider because he's wearing a football jersey, but he isn't strong enough to take the jersey off, so he learns to deal with it.

(He feels sick when he sees Quinn wearing her cheerleading uniform. They're the only two who haven't changed).

* * *

Rachel doesn't come back to McKinley and sometimes, he thinks that's probably for the best. Other times, he dissolves into tears because he misses the way everything used to be.

He likes the new zero tolerance policy, and he likes the way most of the football players get nicer after that's instated. None of them can afford to be kicked out of school and lose any opportunity of a scholarship to college.

Rachel's changed McKinley High forever.

* * *

Glee becomes the perfect family Rachel always dreamed off, but it's not the same. They have countless group functions, and they sit together at all of them, but they miss the loud-mouthed girl who somehow held them all together even when they hated her.

They're a perfect family because they have to be. They give compliments instead of insults and love instead of hate. They don't fight or say hurtful things in the spur of the moment because they've learnt their lesson.

He's learnt his lesson.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a boy who made a lot of mistakes. He loved a girl but he thought she'd wait forever for him. He had never been more wrong, and he regretted that mistake for the rest of his life.


	15. Puck

**A/N: This was supposed to be Damien and Jackson Berry's chapter, but I couldn't write it. This is primarily a **_**Glee club**_** fiction, focusing on the reactions of the Glee members, and Shelby and Jesse (as it was requested). Sorry if you were really looking forward to their chapter but it won't be included in this story. Thank you to the people who have reviewed consistently - I have noticed a drop in reviews over the last couple of chapters, but it's still more reviews than I've ever had before, and I'm insanely grateful. **

**Without any further ado, the second last chapter of CTBTMS - Puck. **

* * *

Finn's his best friend from the first day they meet. They're both six and a half, and Finn's kind of tall with a dopey look on his face, and he thinks that Finn could make the perfect sidekick. He takes the other boy home because his mum is baking cookies and his dad is always nice to other kids, and he thinks that tricking Finn into being his friend is the best way to go about it.

Finn looks pretty impressed. He likes the cookies and he smiles as they sit on the couch and watch sports. He even acts interested in the baby growing inside his mum's stomach, and both Puck's mum and his dad are impressed with his new friend.

He has a feeling that they're going to be friends for a long, long time.

* * *

Life's great until suddenly, it's not. The days of hanging out at the park and sleeping at Finn's don't exist anymore because his dad packs his bags and walks out. He doesn't understand why his dad's leaving, or why his mum is crying until he notices that his dad has taken all his clothes with him.

He calls that girl Rachel from temple first because she knows a lot about looking after houses and stuff, and he's gonna need a lot of help because his mum's not moving, just crying. She doesn't answer though, so he calls Finn because Finn always has an answer, even if it's a stupid one.

This time, Finn doesn't know how to help. He burns his hand while they cook food for his sister and he basically gets them both thrown out of the house. He knows Finn means well, but he hasn't helped at all, and for the first time ever, he wishes his best friend was different.

He wishes his best friend was Rachel.

* * *

Rachel bakes cookies when she hears that his dad has left, and she apologises for not answering the phone when he called. She was staying at her aunties for the weekend and she didn't get the message he left until Monday.

Her cookies taste really nice, and her hair's all shiny and tied up in a red ribbon. He likes the colour red and he likes it even more when he notices that she's wearing a skirt that's red. He thinks that she might be the most perfect girl ever.

She's the only one who doesn't call him Puck, and even when he asks her nicely, she refuses. She thinks Puck is a stupid name and says that she prefers Noah. When she notices that he looks upset, she says that she'll call him Puck in front of his friends if he wants.

He likes the way she knows both sides of him.

* * *

He's best friends with Finn for the whole of primary school, but some of the time, he prefers hanging out with Rachel. She talks way too much but she always smells really nice and brings round cookies, and his mum is always happier when Rachel's at their house.

Finn never meets Rachel because he doesn't want to share. Rachel always wants to be friends with everyone, even at temple and school, and he doesn't want to have to share Rachel with Finn. That's why he doesn't sleep at Finn's every night of the week, or let Finn stay at his all the time, because Rachel sometimes comes over for dinner.

His mum cries less when Rachel is around and that's a good thing because he doesn't like it when girls cry. She just fits perfectly in his life and in his family and she's probably the nicest person he's ever known.

It all changes when they go to high school though.

* * *

He grows a Mohawk and hooks up with a lot of cheerleaders, and it's pretty awesome. Rachel's at the bottom of the social pyramid because she still wears plaid and argyle and sometimes, she wears sweaters with animals on the front.

Finn's still his best friend and he can admit that in front of anyone, whereas he can't even admit he knows Rachel without being teased relentlessly.

He likes being popular and he likes the way girls throw themselves at him, and it's worth ignoring Rachel so that he can maintain his cool points. The slushy thing is pretty low but he apologises the first time he ever throws one at her, and she forgives him. She understands that he wants to be popular and that they can't hang out at school or he'll become a loser, so she agrees to just hang out on the weekends.

It's the perfect set-up but as always, it gets fucked up.

* * *

Being on the football team means he has to go to parties after the game, and every other party being thrown in Lima. At first, Rachel understands, and actually asks how the party went. She doesn't approve of underage drinking so he doesn't mention that part, but always says that he had a good time.

He does have a good time. He hangs out with Finn and Mike and Matt and they play beer pong and do shots, and most of the time, he'll end up naked in bed with a hot cheerleader. He gets to hang out with his best mates, get laid and then spend every Sunday with his best girl friend.

Eventually though, he's so hung over on a Sunday morning that he can't be bothered to get out of bed, and then one Sunday, he doesn't go to Rachel's house at all because he's still with a cheerleader from last night.

He apologises and she forgives him but thinks are different between them after that. She's always been the person that believes in him no matter what, but he gets the feeling that her patience in him is wearing thin. He actually decides to prove her wrong and show her that he's worth something but when he gets drunk the next weekend and rocks up at her house hung over, that plan's shot to hell.

She lectures him and says that he's damaging his body and his vocal cords and his brain cells and informs him that he has to stop acting this stupid. He's got a killer headache and her voice is just making it worse, so he yells at her to shut up, before saying that this is why everyone thinks she's annoying as hell.

She orders him out of her house in a small, quiet voice and he obeys because he's never heard that tone before. That's the day where everything falls apart.

* * *

He apologises a lot. He leaves messages on her mobile and in her facebook inbox and on msn and MySpace and even one on her home phone answering machine but she doesn't respond to any of them.

He knows he's screwed up majorly, so he starts a pool cleaning business in an attempt to show her that he's responsible and all that other shit she's always on about. He advertises in the paper and then slides the advert in her letterbox, but none of it works.

He's almost ready to give up when one of his clients comes onto him. He hesitates for a few seconds and then thinks fuck it. He's been trying to apologise for about a month and she doesn't care, so he's done. He's over it.

(He kisses the cougar and becomes Puck, the biggest badass McKinley has ever seen. He throws pee balloons at her house a week later).

* * *

He joins a fight club because that's what badasses do. They fight and they win. He gets a lot of bruises at first and his mum gets pissed off that he's always fighting, but eventually, he learns how to hide the bruises so his mum stops crying herself to sleep.

He wins all his fights at school and everyone knows not to mess with him unless you want to spend the next period in the nurse's office or the hospital.

It's lonely on the top.

* * *

He sleeps with a bunch of cougars and he's basically a whore, because they pay him extra for his "services". He hooks up with a bunch of cheerleaders who think he's god's gift to the world because he has skills the other boys don't.

Santana claims him as hers and they enter into a fucked up relationship that was never going to work out. He sleeps with cougars on the side and she sleeps with Brittany and anyone else that catches her eye, and he really doesn't care.

He doesn't have any feelings for Santana, apart from the standard 'she's good in bed' feeling, and it's easy, so he keeps sleeping with her.

It's around that time that he notices Quinn Fabray, Santana's constant friend/enemy and his best friend's girlfriend. He blames everything after that on Santana. He wouldn't have noticed Quinn if it wasn't for her.

* * *

Santana and the cougars aren't enough of a challenge so he joins the celibacy club and decides to start seducing virgins. He feels like a jerk the first time, especially when the girl cries when she sees him in the hallways the next door, but he turns those feelings off.

Every time he's ever felt anything for anyone, he's ended up hurt. He doesn't want to hurt anymore. He wants to do the hurting.

* * *

He hangs around Quinn for the next couple of months even though she's dating his best friend and he's supposed to be dating Santana. Santana doesn't care enough to give a shit, and he and Finn have been friends for so long that they'll always find their way back to each other's side.

He fills up her drink at parties, and acts like the considerate, caring guy he used to be, and it's no wonder she falls for him so quickly.

She's a mega bitch to Finn but she's nice enough to him, and she has these amazing eyes and a banging body, and she's the first girl he's ever felt something for (apart from Berry, but he pretends that never happened).

She feels fat and insecure one night, sometime after Finn joins Glee, and he feels like more of an ass than usual, so he plies her with wine coolers. She feels like she's losing Finn and he feels like he's losing Rachel (she keeps singing with Finn, and the way to her heart is through music), even though she was never his, so they find comfort in each other.

She prays as soon as they're done, and starts crying as she throws on her clothes and crawls out of his window. He drinks until he passes out and hopes that it was all just a horrible dream.

(It's not – her bra is sitting on his floor the next morning).

* * *

Santana breaks up with him over his credit score, and he really doesn't care. He has cougars who want him every time he rocks up to their house and a bunch of cheerleaders who lust after him as he walks down the hallway.

There are two girls though – both of whom keep him up at night – and he's over it. Quinn was a mistake that he doesn't want to repeat ever again, but he can't get her out of his head. Rachel has been one of his closest friends since he was about seven and he's tired of missing her. He wants her back, and as more than just a friend, because they've been moving towards something huge and all-consuming for a long, long time.

He has a grand plan. He'll serenade her outside her window and she'll fall right into his arms. It's time for their story to start.

(It doesn't work like that because Quinn's pregnant).

* * *

He joins Glee when he figures out that the baby is his. Santana and Brittany are there to keep Quinn company and Quinn's there to keep an eye on Finn, whose staring at Rachel's legs every time he can.

It's a mess but he doesn't mind so much because he gets to be around his unborn child _and_ hear Rachel sing. He can't remember the last time his life actually turned out the way he wanted it to, and this is the closest to perfect life has ever been. Rachel's back in his life and he's going to be a dad, yet he can't bring himself to be happy over it because Finn keeps staring at Rachel, and he's lying to his best friend on a daily basis.

He doesn't complain or tell the truth though because that will screw up the delicate balance of things. He just stays quiet and pretends that everything is perfect.

* * *

He serenades Rachel with Sweet Caroline and they spend the week making out on her bed or walking through the halls of McKinley, arms linked. He gets slushied and she cleans him off, and he chooses Glee over football and he thinks that this is what perfections like.

He's got the girl of his dreams – the girl he's been a little bit in love with since he was seven – and he feels less like a Lima loser and more like a guy who's got everything going in his favour. He feels like he's on top of the world until Rachel sees him staring at Quinn's stomach.

She thinks that he's staring at Quinn and assumes that he's in love with her, and he doesn't get a chance to defend himself before she's breaking up with him on the bleachers. She asks him if they can be friends, and any normal person would say yes, but he's never been a normal guy.

He says that they weren't friends before and storms off before she can see that she really, really hurt him. He knows that his parting words will have hurt her more than anything else he's ever done to her but he can't bring himself to care because she's just broken his heart.

She's in love with his best friend and she never really cared about him, and now he can remember why he doesn't let himself feel anything for people because he's always the one getting hurt.

(He wishes he could just hate her like everyone thinks he does).

* * *

They have a few moments in their songs that make him catch his breath because she's so close to him yet so far away and he's constantly reminding himself that grabbing her and kissing her would be a bad idea.

He doesn't have to worry about that for much longer because as soon as she finds out the news about Drizzle's paternity, she refuses to even sit near him.

She tells Finn, just like he knew she would, and he gets punched in the face, but his chest hurts more than his face. He's lost his best friend and the girl he's always loved and he doesn't know how he's going to get any of that back.

He's trying to come to terms with all of it when Quinn shows up on his doorstep, her bags in hand, begging him to let her stay. Finn and his mum asked her to leave and she has nowhere else to go, so he gives her his bed and sleeps on the floor.

He doesn't know when he became this person, but he really wishes he could change back.

* * *

His life is a major mess after that. He's in love with a girl who dates his ex-best friend and then some jackass, who will inevitably break her heart, and he's living with a girl who's carrying his baby but spends most of the time screaming at him.

Quinn, who was a bitch most of the time, acts like the devil when her hormones really hit her. She spends most of her day screaming at him, and then crying herself to sleep, and he really, really hates it. She blames him for everything that happened, as if she had nothing to do with the whole situation, and most of the time, he wants to tell her she's being a huge bitch. God, she's worse than Santana.

He doesn't say that though because she's pregnant and doesn't need any extra stress. He also likes the way she'll occasionally ask for his opinion on something. Three quarters of the time, she acts like it's _her _baby, so when she actually acknowledges that he's the dad, it makes his day.

That's why he says yes when Quinn asks him to be her fake boyfriend. She's been having some problems at school with people teasing her and she knows that having a "boyfriend" on the football team will preserve what's left of her reputation, so she approaches him. He says yes because he's not dating the girl of his dreams so he might as well date his baby mama.

After all, it's not going to make things worse.

* * *

Things get worse. Rachel dates Jesse. St Jackass from Vocal Adrenaline, who says that he's moved schools to be with her, but the rest of the club knows that it's bullshit.

This Jesse guy has stupid hair, stupid clothes, a stupid car and a really, stupid car. He's just _stupid_. Berry goes gaga over him, which makes sense, because the girl had a thing for Finn, whose captain of the stupid brigade. The guy may be his (ex?) best-friend but it's true.

Finn's making it obvious as hell that he wants Rachel back and the jackass isn't backing down, so he figures he might as well make his move. That's why he agrees to star in her Run Joey Run video, and why he stays even after she says she doesn't want to make out with him.

It was still a success because he found out that his guns turn her on, and his part in the video is longer than Finn's and jackass' _combined_. That must be good because her entire life is music, so if he's got the biggest part, he must have a pretty big part in her life (its good logic).

He storms off with the other boys even though it's stupid. If Finn (who loves her) and jackass (who's dating her) storm out, and he storms out too, she'll immediately assume he has feelings for her. She'll confront him, he'll agree, they'll make-out on his bed and then it'll be time for their story.

Things don't end that way though.

* * *

He's planning how he'll make his move when Finn swoops in. Jackass is on holiday or something (he always tunes out when that guy's name is mentioned) and he totally underestimated Finn, because suddenly, the guy is everywhere.

He's taking Rachel to the doctors and singing Jesse's Girl (which was actually kind of creepy, and made Berry uncomfortable) and soon enough, Rachel will be falling all over herself just to be with him again.

He can't let Finn win, even if they are best friends, so he steals Jackass' number, texts him and orders him to get back to McKinley before he loses his girlfriend.

(He has a better chance at beating Jesse than at beating Finn).

* * *

He asks Rachel for help choosing a song. She was the one who came up with 'Beth' and he spends the next week learning it so it's perfect.

Quinn's still firm on giving the baby up for adoption but she's letting him help with the bills and the strange cravings in the middle of the night, so he thinks she might let him name the baby before they sign her away.

Quinn nods her acceptance as soon as he finishes the song, and her eyes are all misty, but she's looking at Finn as well. He admits it was a pretty stupid idea to ask Finn to join in on the song, but he couldn't ask every guy _except _Finn to help.

He just smiles softly and makes his way back to his seat, noticing Rachel's pale face with a frown. He only realizes after the rehearsal is over that she must have thought he was serenading Quinn.

_Shit_.

* * *

There are eggs thrown and all he wants to do is rearrange Jackass' face. Instead, he settles for some stupid song, but Rachel wears these hot as hell red shorts. He doesn't like the way Matt's staring at her legs, so he "accidently" pushes him over as they're walking back to the choir room after.

Matt gets the hint, Finn's oblivious, and his closing line of "see you punks at Regionals" has put him back in the game.

(The whole fake-girlfriend-who-happens-to-be-carrying-his-baby-and-going-into-labour thing knocks him straight back out).

* * *

He says he loves Quinn when she asks because he does. He doesn't love her in that all-consuming way he's come to love Rachel but he loves her in another way that's no less meaningful. He loves Quinn because she gave him Beth, and that's a bond they'll never be able to shake.

It's a moment that will always be burnt into his brain. It's the moment where he finally realizes that he can be more than just some Lima loser with no future. He and Quinn got through this together and now he'll be able to take on anything.

He kisses her cheek as he walks away, and he doesn't notice that thoughtful expression she focuses on his back.

(The Quinn-and-Puck saga isn't over. Not by a long shot).

* * *

He spends the holidays with Finn because they run into each other outside the hospital. He's a little bit tired of being alone, and Finn's a little bit tired of missing his best friend, so they make their way to Rachel's house together.

She lets them in with a smile on her face, and he wonders if it's because of him or if it's because Finn's there. He doesn't realize until it's too late that it's the Finn-Quinn-Puck triangle all over again.

They spend their summer teaching Rachel how to play video games and drinking way too many slushies. They drive to the nearest beach and she leaves both boys speechless when she takes off her dress and runs to the water in a tiny white bikini.

He notices the way Finn holds her hand or opens her door when he thinks they aren't being watched, so he steps up his game. He makes as many innuendos as he can, and she blushes at every single one (before checking him out), so he knows that she's interested in him. He buys her ice-cream and calls her beautiful whenever Finn's not listening, and even though he's only stealing moments with her, it's perfect.

* * *

There's a Glee party thrown by Quinn. He goes because he never says no to a party and because he doesn't want Quinn to think that he's been sitting at home moping all holidays.

It's a big mistake because Rachel walks out of the party in tears and when he tries to follow her, Quinn appears out of nowhere and starts talking to him about her summer.

By the time he manages to get away, Rachel's long gone.

* * *

On the last day of summer, Finn has to stay at home and get organised for school the next day. Rachel's already organised because she's always been ahead of the game, and he doesn't really care, so he swings by her house and drives her to a secluded lake.

They skinny dip because she didn't bring any bathers (exactly the point) and he kisses her softly on the lips near the waterfall. He's planning on telling her that he's been in love with her for a long, long time when she breaks the mood.

"Finn told me he loved me at Regionals".

He gets out of the water and throws his clothes on, before climbing into his truck and waiting for her to get dressed and join him. He drives her back in silence.

* * *

He throws a slushy at her on the first day back at school. He's not proud of it but he's just over the way she always manages to hurt him.

* * *

He puts the moves on Santana again because it's easy and familiar and she doesn't have the power to crush his heart into hundreds of tiny little pieces.

He lets Quinn take Rachel's position of co-captain and pretends like he doesn't care because he just can't care about her anymore. Every single time he does, it explodes in his face. He can't do it anymore.

He pretends not to notice the way she's trying not to cry as she takes her seat.

* * *

Finn and Quinn get back together and he doesn't really care. Finn's his best friend and they're closer than ever (now that they aren't fighting over the same girl) so he should be happy for them, but he just can't bring himself to give a shit.

Last year, he would have been fucking thrilled that Finn was out of the competition, but now it doesn't mean anything.

He's _totally_ over Rachel.

(It doesn't stop him from punching Finn in the face when he learns that he slept with her).

* * *

Berry pays her price for sleeping with Quinn's boyfriend while Finn gets away with no damage. The slushy war starts again with Rachel as the only target, and she can't walk down the corridor without people trying to trip her up. There's shit written all over her locker and dirty pictures of her on the wall of every bathroom, but he can't save her.

He can't get caught up in her _all over again _just so that she can refuse him _all over again_.

He doesn't say anything when Quinn forces Rachel to the back of the group. He thinks that if he can't hear Rachel's voice, he can pretend that she doesn't exist.

It works... for a while.

* * *

He knows something is going on between Santana and Rachel. He can see the way they look at each other, or the way they hold hands when they think no one can see them.

He can tell that Rachel loves Santana because she gets that look in her eyes – the one she used to get around Finn – and he can tell Santana feels something back because she looks at Rachel like she used to look at Brittany.

He should find it hot as hell, and ask to join in but he can't. She's worth so much more than that. He drinks himself stupid time and time again so that he doesn't break them up because Rachel deserves to be happy, even if it's not with him.

He just wants her to be happy.

* * *

She gets skinnier after Santana dumps her for Brittany, and he's so worried about her that he forgets all about self-preservation and walks over to her in the canteen.

"For fucks sake, eat something", he orders.

She smiles at him and he feels like a dick for staying away for so long.

"Come on, we're skipping school this afternoon. I'll take you out for so real lunch", he says softly, dragging her away from the table.

He should have known something was wrong when she didn't put up a fight.

* * *

She eats half of a burger and a few fries at the local diner, and it's not enough, but it will do for now. She laughs as the jokes that he tells and he feels more alive than he has in a long time.

The happy mood evaporates though when he decides that he has to question her.

"What's going on with you Rach?" he asks, his hand reaching across the table for hers.

"Nothing. Nothing's going on with me apart from school, singing and dancing. Thank you very much for lunch Noah, but I must be on my way", she rambles, before practically running out of the restaurant.

There's definitely something going on and he's determined to figure out what it is.

* * *

He asks her what's wrong countless times over the next couple of weeks but she always changes the topic. Eventually, she starts kissing him to shut him up, and he doesn't stop her. He's missed her and if she doesn't want to answer questions, she doesn't have to answer questions.

She's more than just a random hook-up because he's still stupidly in love with her, so he savours every moment they have together.

They don't just make-out on her bed, or hide in janitor's closets at school, kissing instead of taking notes in class. They talk about music and sports and movies and all that other stuff couples talk about. In fact, they do all sorts of couple-y things, apart from change their facebook relationship statuses.

He's the one who fucks things up this time. It's the anniversary of the day he and Quinn became fake-girlfriend/boyfriend and the blonde calls him in tears. He's with Rachel, his hand rubbing circles on her back as she naps, but he quickly pulls on his shoes and walks out of her bedroom. Quinn needs him.

He doesn't bother to leave a note because he figures that she'll call him as soon as she wakes up. He doesn't realize that her eyes open as he gets off the bed, and she watches him walk away while whispering Quinn's name.

(She never calls).

* * *

He turns up at school on Monday with Quinn. He spent the rest of the weekend at her house trying to comfort her because everything seemed to be catching up to her at once.

He sees Rachel in the hallway and starts to walk towards her, but Quinn pulls on his arm and yanks him back towards her. He glares at her before trying to walk to Rachel again (this already looks bad enough) when Quinn presses her lips against his.

He pulls away as quickly as he can but it's too late. Rachel's already running away in tears.

* * *

Rachel avoids him for the next few days and he completely understands why. He just needs a couple of minutes to explain, to finally admit that he loves her, to fix this mess that's spiralling out of control.

Quinn manages to reach him before he gets to Rachel.

"Quinn, back off. I'm looking for Rach. I need to talk to her", he hisses.

"Actually, I have something I need to say. It won't take long – I just need to get it out. You and Rachel would never work in the long run. You have nothing in common and no matter how much you like her, she's still in love with Finn. She watches him all the time, even if she goes home with you. You'll never win over Finn because he's always been the first choice. You're the guy that people want for a good time or if they have an itch no one else can scratch. Finn's the one they picture when they're thinking about their future. Finn's the one that Rachel dreams of at night. He's not the one I dream of though. I dream about you and me, and the family we could have been. I see you as my future Puck, and when you stop believing in this hopeless Rachel delusion, just let me know, because I want you", she finishes before turning and walking away with that head bitch in charge walk both she and Santana have long since perfected.

He stops looking for Rachel.

* * *

He asks Quinn out on a Friday because she's right. Rachel loves Finn and no matter how much it sucks, it will never change. Finn got into her heart first and she's never going to have enough room to love him too.

(He never finds out that Quinn was lying).

* * *

He doesn't hear about the hate attack on the Berry's house, otherwise he would have been at her side straight away. He doesn't notice that she's getting even skinnier, or that the bags under her eyes are getting bigger, or that she's always wearing long sleeves even if it's really hot.

He notices that he and Quinn are fighting a lot about stuff that's not all that important, and he notices that Finn's taking to staring at Quinn again, as if she's the answer to all his problems. He notices that Quinn likes to pretend that Beth never existed and he notices that the Quinn-and-Puck saga everyone else can't get enough of has become suffocating.

(He notices that Rachel tried to kill herself when he got a call on a Tuesday night).

* * *

He and Quinn are watching television, sitting next to each other but not touching, because it's a Tuesday and she has to watch Grey's Anatomy. The shows not that bad – Mark Sloan is a complete and utter badass – and it guarantees him about an hour of silence because Quinn refuses to talk (even in the advert break because she's "busy absorbing the show").

His phone flashes with Brittany's name and he answers even though Quinn orders him not too. Brittany never calls him so he's kind of interested in why she's calling him now, and he doesn't dare to not answer in case she tells Santana, who would probably kill him for not accepting the call.

Hearing that Rachel is in hospital is not what he was expecting. Hearing that she tried to kill herself makes him want to throw up. Instead, he runs out of the house, and drives himself to the hospital as fast as possible.

* * *

He sits next to Quinn at the hospital, and Finn sits on her other side. All he wants is for Rachel to comfort him, like she did when his dad left, but she can't because she's lying in a hospital bed, and he doesn't even know if she's alive. He wants Finn to sit next to him because he needs his best friend for this – he needs the boy who loved Rachel to tell him that it's all going to be okay, even if it's a complete lie.

Instead, Quinn's sitting next to him, emotionless. He knew she didn't like Rachel but she could at least act like this was bad news. That's why he's kind of grateful when Santana starts screaming and slaps her across the face, even though Quinn will lecture him later for not defending her.

He always could count on Santana to stir shit up.

* * *

His mum asks if they're Rachel's family. Her eyes look red, as if she's been crying, and he remembers that his mum considers Rachel a second daughter, even if she hasn't been around much over the last couple of years.

He wants his mum to sit down and tell him what's going on but she's talking to Rachel's dads and explaining the situation to them. Plus, she's acting all professional and trying to hide the fact that she knows Rachel so that she can stay on the case.

She looks disappointed when he doesn't stand up and declare that he's Rachel's family, and he's disappointed too. He's disappointed that it's gotten to the stage when he and Rachel don't count as family anymore, especially after everything they've been through. He always counted her as part of the family, although never directly related to him because that would have been slightly incestuous.

His mum says that it's up to Rachel to pull through now. At first, he's relieved, because Rachel's never given up before. She's always been that girl who doesn't give a shit what other people think of her because she has her dreams and her belief in herself to get her through the rough patches.

When he sees Quinn _smiling _he realizes that this isn't a good thing.

* * *

He's given an envelope with his name on it. He refuses to open it.

* * *

"I'm not sure if all of you know this yet, but Rachel is in a coma. She's in a stable condition, and we just have to wait for her to wake up now. You can all go home, or go to the cafeteria now; there's no point waiting here", Damien Berry explains, before falling back into his seat.

Kurt, Mercedes, Artie and Tina go to the cafeteria; Mike runs out of the hospital; Santana's already gone and Quinn... well, she runs out of the hospital too, as fast as her legs will take her. He knows that he should be running after her, but this time, he's choosing Rachel.

This time, he's choosing right.

* * *

"_Code blue, fourth floor"_

_

* * *

_

Brittany's on the floor, Mike's slumped in a chair (although he has no idea when he came back to the hospital), Finn's crying (again), Shelby has her arms wrapped around her chest and Jesse is trying to decide whether he should comfort her and trying to wipe away his tears at the same time.

Santana falls to the floor as soon as she reaches the room, and she's not quite screaming and not quite crying but it's the worse sound he's ever heard. That's when he starts punching the wall because he needs something to distract him from that huge pain in his chest.

(He needs her).

* * *

"She's stabilized. Her heart gave out but we managed to resuscitate her. She lost a lot of blood but we've given her a blood transfusion. Now all that's left to do is wait to see if she wakes up from the coma. It's up to her to pull through now"

Jesse leaves as soon as he hears; Kurt and Mercedes leave too, but in the opposite direction. He has no idea where they're going but he really doesn't care. Tina and Artie say goodbye to Rachel's dads before leaving, and then it's just the core group of them left.

Santana and Brittany are sitting on the floor but pretending that the other doesn't exist; Mike's lying across about six chairs as he tries to get comfortable; Rachel's dads are sitting next to each other holding hands...

He wraps his bleeding hand in his shirt and collapses into the chair next to Finn. At least he has his best friend.

* * *

He waits until everyone else is asleep before he opens his notes. About five pages fall out and he realizes that this isn't a note like everyone else was given. This is a mammoth letter and it's not going to be an enjoyable experience reading it.

The envelope smells like her though, and he hasn't seeing handwriting this nice in a long time, so he leans back in his chair and starts to read.

* * *

_Noah, _

_Our story started a long time ago. It's been a long story, with lots of twists and turns, and moments that take your breath away. I always thought that our story would never end, or if it did, it would end happily. I thought our story would end in a nicer way. I was counting on it. _

_I've known you since we were seven years old and Aviva forced you to go to temple, even though you didn't want to. I was so nervous at that first session: I didn't know anyone in Lima and at my last temple, some of the kids had been horrible to me when they found out that I had two dads. I was hoping that the new temple would be better, and it was. Sure, Jacob Ben Israel scared me immensely, but I met you there, and everything seemed to fall into place. _

_When you first walked in the room, I didn't know what to think. You had these hazel eyes that pierced right through to my soul, and this beautiful smile that made me breathless and you seemed like the most amazing person I had ever seen. I got to know you, and I was proved right. You were the most amazing person I had ever met... you defended me when Jacob got too scary, and you sat next to me in the circle so I wouldn't be alone. I had never met anyone like you – I thought something this amazing would last forever. _

_Of course, I was wrong, and that has been proved numerous times over the years. Your dad left and you seemed to think that changing into a completely different person was the only way to survive. You changed your name and acted like you couldn't care less about your father. I tried to help, I really did, but I don't know how successful I was because you never said anything. _

_We stayed friends, and although we had other friends, you always meant something to me. I was so close with Brittany and Mike, and you were never away from Finn, and we excluded everyone else in our class, even if it wasn't intentional. I don't think any of them knew that I came to your house for dinner, or that we looked after Hannah together, or that I considered Aviva my mother (please tell her that I'm sorry for what I've done and that I never meant to hurt her). _

_High school is when things really got messed up. I've never felt so alone. Brittany and Mike stopped talking to me, and you grew that Mohawk and all the girls suddenly wanted you. At first, I didn't know what that feeling in my chest was, but now, I realize I was insanely jealous. I felt like I was losing you and in a way, I was. We had always had a friendship that defied the rules of school, but that changed very quickly. You couldn't talk to me at school because I was a loser, and I forgave you for the slushies because I knew that you cared. I knew that I was your friend and that you didn't want to do it but you had to, especially if you wanted to stay at the top of the social pyramid. I understood. _

_What I didn't understand is when your Sunday visits slowly stopped. You used to come round to my house every Sunday morning and we'd catch up on the weekly House episode that I taped, and then we'd eat lunch and talk, and it would always turn into a perfect day. One Sunday, you came over at 1pm instead of 10am, and you didn't apologise. Then, one week you didn't turn up at all, and the next time you decided to grace me with your presence, you told me to shut up, amongst over things. _

_I felt like I had lost my last friend, and I was right. No matter what happened after that, I never got my friend back. You sung Sweet Caroline and we kissed on my bed, but at the end of that, you still had to remind me that we weren't friends. You got Quinn pregnant and didn't tell me, and then looked at me like I ruined your life when I did the right thing and told the truth. You helped film my Run Joey Run video and then acted like I was the scum of the earth for triple casting you when you never even liked me. _

_And then we had our summer. _

_You and Finn showed up on my doorstep and you were both a little broken. You had both just given your daughter up for adoption and neither of you knew what to do with yourselves. I had no clue how to help you – it was a long time since I made you sugar cookies when your dad left – so I let you into my house, and my heart. _

_It was the most magical summer of my life. Finn used to hold my hand and open my car door when he didn't think you were looking. I thought that I loved him, but then there was you. You, with your smirks and innuendos, and that smile that occasionally broke through it all and made me forget what I was supposed to be saying. _

_For the sake of honesty, I'll tell you something that I told Finn. I loved you that entire summer, Noah, and I loved Finn too. I finally understood the dilemma Quinn went through and her complete and utter inability to choose between you. The two of you are so close that you form one person. Finn's that sweet, sensitive boy who everyone adores, whereas you are the bad boy with a hidden heart of gold_. _I loved you both because you are the same person. It's always NoahandFinn, never just Finn or just Noah. It was always both of you. I never had a chance. It was inevitable. _

_There was one day though, where it was just me and you. We went to that secluded lake and we went skinny dipping and I've never had that much fun with one person. You kissed me so softly that I felt like I was dreaming, and I thought it was the ending to our story. NoahandRachel – the happy ending. I tried to tell you that Finn had said he loved me; I tried to tell you that I hadn't been able to respond; I tried to tell you that it was because you had always had a part of me. I didn't get that far though because you stormed away after my first sentence and pretended that the whole day had never happened. _

_And then, after our summer, you turned your back on me. You reunited with Santana (yes, she told me), and pretended like I didn't exist. You started throwing slushies in my face again, like I had never meant anything to you. I guess I never really meant anything to you – you never said that you cared, or that you wanted to date me... these were all assumptions on my part, and the pain in my chest just kept growing when I realized that you didn't want me. _

_I deluded myself into believing that you wanted me. I thought that because you always came back to me in the end, you subconscious realized that it wanted me. When you took me out to lunch that day, and kept asking if I was okay, I thought it was love. I'm sorry I brought you into my stupid delusions and I'm sorry that I kept you away from Quinn for so long. _

_You see, I know now that you and Quinn are inevitable. No matter how many fights you two have, or how many times you scream at each other and break-up, you will always end up together. You two have shared so much, and it will always be the two of you. _

_At first, I thought it was just a competition between you and Finn – a love-triangle that would only end when one of you was declared the victor. I now know that it was so much more than that – you and Finn both love Quinn in an all-consuming way. I was just in the way this whole time. I'll never apologise for loving you, but I am sorry for how many people got hurt in the cross fire. _

_You hurt me a lot Noah. You turned your back on me, and shattered my heart as if it were glass, and you didn't seem to notice how close I was to breaking point, not after Quinn called you back to her side. You also made me feel like the most beautiful girl alive. You made me feel like I could do anything. You made me feel like I was unstoppable. _

_Ironic really, that the person who built me up the most has also managed to destroy me so completely. _

_Yours was the last letter I wrote Noah. I thought it would be romantic and tragic if the last thing I thought about before I died was you. I wrote Mike's, then Brittany's, then Finn's, then Santana's and then yours. It says a lot about my priorities. Even if I wasn't enough for you, you were more than enough for me. _

_You weren't alone in this Noah. You weren't the only person who took a chunk of me, so don't start blaming yourself for this whole thing. You were only a part of it. A large part, but just a part nonetheless. _

_Noah, please look after yourself. Don't do anything stupid. Tell Quinn you love her (__even if she's a manipulative, hateful bitch who doesn't deserve it). __Hold Santana when she cries (if she cries) and remember that Finn's your best friend. He'll need you (well, I think he'll need you). Stop being Puck, and start being Noah again. Be the man you are supposed to be. _

_I love you Noah. I've loved you since we were seven years old, and I'll love you until I die. I don't forgive you though. I think you've been spineless, and gutless, and a jerk and an ass. You've literally been a whore – yes, I've heard that your 'cougars' paid you for sexual intercourse, and you've been a liar and betrayed the people who cared about you. _

_You need to fix up your life – just because your dad left doesn't mean you have to stop feeling. Not everyone who you care about will leave you. Finn's still there and he's been there for over twelve years. Not everyone will leave – you need to show people the good I know is in your heart. Please do it for me, even though we "weren't friends before". _

_

* * *

_

It hurts to read the letter, just like he knew it would, because some of it is just so fucking accurate that it makes him want to throw up.

There are parts of it that are incredibly wrong, and all of them are about his feelings towards her. He loved her in an all-consuming way and it kills him to know that she'll never know how he really felt.

(He texts Quinn and tells her it's over).

* * *

He's going to sit in this waiting room until she wakes up.

* * *

**A/N: One chapter to go...**


	16. Hello, Goodbye

**A/N: Sorry this took so long to write. I've had problems with my computer, and then problems with school, and problems with friends, and it's just dragged me down. Plus, I was really worried about this chapter. Anyway, I'd just like to say thank you to every single person who has commented/alerted/favourited this story, because you've been amazing. Also, I'd like to say thank you to Golden Mist, who was my inspiration originally, and LayLayX, for betaing the earlier chapters. **

**

* * *

**

There's weight on the end of the bed and it sends tingles through her body. It's a comfortable weight, one she's used to but hasn't felt in a long while. It feels like coming home to her favourite dinner simmering away on the stove, or maybe snuggling in front of the fireplace with a good book on a cold winter's night.

If she had to guess who it was, she'd say Brittany, because she feels free and light – an incredible feeling that only Brittany ever evokes.

If Brittany's the one at the end of the bed, Santana must be the one squeezing her left hand, while lying beside her. It makes sense because Santana always had no problems with blurring the lines and only Santana would be comfortable enough to hold a dying girls hand.

So Brittany's on the end of the bed and Santana's lying next to her, and she feels happier than she has in a long, _long _time. She wonders if Noah and Finn know what she's done; wonder if they got her notes, the ones that took so long to write because she didn't know how to explain herself. She wonders if they even bothered to come to the hospital.

She stops wondering when a light floats in front of her eyes. In the light is everyone she ever loved... Santana and Noah are holding flowers and Brittany and Mike are holding hands, while holding a sign that has her name written on it in the bubble writing Brittany always adored. Finn's there too, and he's wearing that half smile that made her heart beat just a little faster, and the butterflies in her stomach flutter just a little bit more.

It's clear now that she has a choice.

_Life or death. _

_

* * *

_

She chooses life because there isn't really another choice. Death may look all bright and shiny and happy but the people in the light... they aren't dead. If she chose the light, she'd be alone. Santana and Brittany and Noah and Finn and Mike are all still alive and she just can't be alone anymore.

So she opens her eyes and she sees that everyone from Glee is in the room.

Her dad's are sitting in the corner (will they ever forgive her?), letting the glee kids say their goodbyes, and they obviously think she isn't going to pull through.

Brittany's the first to notice that her eyes are open; the first person to start crying – loud, choking sobs that almost break Rachel's heart. The blonde is smiling though, a smile so wide it looks like her face might just split open with happiness.

Santana notices next. She screeches and falls off the bed in shock and she's never seemed more human than in that moment. Her eyes widen and Rachel's do too because the Latina is covered in dried blood. It's either _her_ blood (which is too horrible to think about) or Santana's been in a huge, huge fight.

Finn looks up and his red, red eyes terrify her. She didn't think he'd even show up at the hospital, let alone cry for her, and there's a small part of her, somewhere buried deep inside her, that feels incredibly guilty. The smile he flashes her, though, erases the guilt, as those butterflies in her stomach start to flutter a little faster.

Noah (her beautiful Noah) is next. He bites his lip as he looks at her and she looks straight into his eyes. His eyes were always an open book – all she had to do was look in his eyes and she could see everything he was feeling. His eyes are dark but completely free of any emotion and it feels like a punch to the face. He's not feeling _anything_.

She looks away from him then, pulling her hand out of Santana's and looking over at her dad's. Her dad is crying and her daddy looks like he's been through hell over the last few hours and this time, she feels incredibly guilty. Her dad's loved her through everything and she planned to just leave them. How could she have been so incredibly hateful?

She asks the glee kids to leave.

* * *

There's a lot of crying and her dad's are so, so mad at her for trying to kill herself but they're also so, so grateful she chose to live, not die. Their eyes are rimmed with red, and hers are too, and she says that she shouldn't have done what she did. 'There were other options', she whispers, 'and you two were always there'.

She doesn't apologize because she isn't really sorry. She knows that she shouldn't have tried to kill herself but she isn't sorry.

She can tell they're shattered that she won't apologise. Her dad won't take his eyes off the scars that litter her arms and her daddy keeps muttering that he's an idiot for not noticing this before. He then whispers that they'll be checking her into around the clock psychiatric care because they don't know how to help her.

"Checking me in with the rest of the mental freaks won't help me Dad", she yells, her eyes boring into him.

"It will only be for a little while Rachel. We just don't know how to fix you; we don't know how to make you whole again", her daddy whispers, his hand squeezing hers tightly.

"Maybe I don't need fixing"

"You tried to kill yourself Ray Ray"

She hisses that they don't have her permission to check her into the psychiatric ward and that she refuses to go. She doesn't want to be in the hospital – she hates the colour of the walls and the smell of the rooms and she's only been awake for half an hour.

She just wants to go home.

(They don't need her permission though. They commit her against her will and she kicks and screams the whole way. Her dad's cry but reassure each other it's for the best; Santana and Noah have to be physically restrained because they're so close to taking out the nurses).

* * *

The ward is better than she expected. They have a routine that all patients have to abide by (she's always loved structure), and some of the other patients tell really interesting stories. She doesn't even mind taking the assortment of pills the nurses hand her in a cup because it's so nice to have someone care about her.

The nurses even ask her before they allow her visitors in the ward, and she adores them for it. It helps her avoid awkward encounters with Santana (who camps outside the hospital most of the time) and Brittany (who has tried on several occasions to climb up the walls and break in through one of the windows).

Her dad's, the only family she has, come and visit her every day. They bring clothes and music, and pretend they can't see the security guards searching their possessions for potential weapons. They never stay long – as soon as they've talked about their days, the conversation gets awkward, and as soon as her daddy starts to cry, both of them leave.

She loves her dad's, and they love her, but she doesn't know how to talk to them anymore. They won't forgive her for trying to kill herself, and she won't forgive them for committing her against her will, so they're at an impasse and neither of them will cave.

(It still kills her to see them walk away, their backs getting smaller and smaller as yet another person leaves her).

* * *

For her first week, she sits in the main room and watches as the rest of ward shuffles off for therapy. Sometimes they go one by one, and other times it's a group session, but it happens every day.

At first she feels excluded but on Monday of her second week, she realizes she was lucky not to be included. One of the nurse's shows her to the group therapy room, and she sinks into one of the hard-backed chairs and tries to hide. She doesn't feel like sharing her story with a bunch of people, most of whom wouldn't understand.

She's never been that lucky though. The therapist takes his seat and the first thing he does is ask her to share her story with the group.

Instead, she stands up and runs away.

* * *

Her individual therapy session doesn't go much better. She doesn't say anything but her doctor has her file open on his desk, and he can see the scars on her arms, so he knows everything before she even opens her mouth.

"Now Rachel, why don't you tell me why you tried to kill yourself"

She doesn't know how to explain. Should she pick the fact that she was completely alone? Should she pick the bullying aspect of her story? Should she state, clear and simple, that she just got tired of living?

She chooses the fourth option.

"You have my file. You know everything about me. Why don't you tell me why I tried to kill myself?"

* * *

Brittany manages to get in on a Friday. Her dad's took pity on her because she was sitting outside the hospital and neither of them knew what had happened all those years ago. They just thought that Brittany was so busy with Glee and cheerleading and dance lessons that she never had time to come over.

Her dad's leave them alone, saying that they only came to say hello and to make sure that Brittany didn't get lost because the hospital could be awfully confusing.

As soon as they leave, she turns her back on the blonde and looks out the window.

"I know I'm not supposed to be here Rach, but your dad's asked if I wanted to come inside and see you, and I really, really did. No one at school knows how you are, and now that Santana and I aren't dating, no one even tries to talk to me. I just needed someone to tell me if you were okay Rach".

"You lost that right years ago Brittany"

"I know. I'll go. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and I wanted to make sure that you got that thing I wrote for you"

"What thing?"

Without saying another word, Brittany drops a piece of paper on her lap and starts to walk away. Just as she reaches the double doors that will lead her back into the main area of the hospital, Rachel finds her voice.

"What is this Brittany?"

Brittany doesn't hear her though and Rachel has to watch the tall blonde walk away, her ponytail swishing with every step. It's just another person who can't stand being in the same room as her for long periods of time. Sighing, she starts to read the note.

_Dear Ray Ray... _

_

* * *

_

Santana manages to get in on a Monday. Her hair is loose, her shirt baggy, and she has a pair of old jeans encasing her legs. She looks natural and happy, and she's lost that pinched look that used to accompany the cheerleading uniform.

She's somehow managed to scale the building and climb in through one of the windows (a pretty amazing feat considering all of the windows are usually locked) and although they're only on the second floor (the ward doesn't want any patients to jump), Santana looks more than a little pleased with herself.

"What are you doing here Santana?"

"I have a bone to pick with you. You see, Brittany and I broke up and I've come to realize that it's your fault. I was happy until you decided to mess that up and now I'm alone, again, and I don't like it"

"Are you really that self-centred and vain? I'm in a fucking ward with a bunch of crazy people and you come in here to lecture me on your romantic relationship with Brittany? I loved you and you treated me like I was dirt, and you have the audacity to come in here and blame everything on me... you're pathetic Santana Lopez"

"Fucking finally; I knew you were still in there somewhere. Rachel, I know it hurts right now and you feel like you aren't going to get through this but I'm here for you. I made a lot of mistakes and I've never regretted anything more but you're still alive because you fought, and I'm not going to lose this second chance. I'm not going to throw it away like I've done so many times before. I love you Rach, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to hold your hand through it all, because I'm sorry and I love you", Santana finished, her voice soft and vulnerable.

"Santana, it's too late. I loved you with everything I had and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love you now, but I can't forgive you. I can't look at you without seeing your back as you walked away from me and I can't listen to you without imagining your lips on my skin. I can't even be in this room with you because it makes me want to cry. I appreciate what you're trying to do, and even though you went about it the wrong way, I know you were just trying to show me that I'm still alive, but you're wrong. After what I've been through, after what I've done to myself... Rachel Berry's dead and gone"

"That isn't true. You still use five words instead of one, and it takes all my concentration to keep up with you when you talk. You still move your hands around as you try and make a point and you still bite your lip when you're thinking of what to say next. You're still you Rachel"

"You don't know what it's like. I sit in this room all day, unless it's time for food, time for bed or time for therapy. I rarely move from this chair because it takes too much effort to move my legs. I close my eyes and I can feel the scars on my arms and sometimes, I can even feel that cold metal against my skin and I'm happy. I may have chosen to fight – I may have chosen to live – but I'm not healed. I'm not fixed and I don't think I ever will be. Yours words... they make my heart feel lighter but there's still this weight inside of me, pulling me down into the dark, and I don't know if I can fight it. I wasn't enough for you, all that time ago, and now, you're not enough for me, because no one ever will be. I'm a mess Santana, and I'm never going to be me again"

"I don't care. I'll take you anyway I can. I don't care if I'm not enough, I don't care if you don't love me the way I love you. I just want you to fall asleep next to me, so that I can hear you breathing, and I want to wake up with you in my arms. I just want you Rachel, and I don't care how you come", Santana whispered, her eyes not moving from Rachel's.

"I can't do this. Just leave. Please"

Without a word, the Latina stands up, tears rolling down her cheeks. "You know where I am if you need me. I love you Rachel and I always will"

The diva doesn't respond, her eyes focused on her arms and the raised scars that are visible to everyone. She's never felt more weak and unsure of herself before but she knows that she's making the right choice by sending Santana away. She can't be enough for herself right now, let alone enough for Santana. She's made the right decision. She's sure of it.

(She knows she's right but when Santana walks away, choosing to use the door instead of the window this time, she feels that familiar pang of loneliness in her heart).

* * *

She has no idea how Finn gets in. Her dad's aren't with him, so he didn't manage to lie his way inside, and he's too tall to clamber through one of the windows like Santana, so he must have snuck in through one of the back ways. It was probably the one near the service elevator because there's rarely any nurses in that area.

He comes bearing flowers – white lilies – and he's wearing that bashful, dopey look he always used to wear when he needed to be forgiven. She used to hate that look because it always made her cave and forgive him even when he didn't deserve it, and she feels the same way now. It's nice to know that at least a small part of old Rachel remains.

He makes a speech about second chances and how forgiveness is the only way they're going to be able to move on. He doesn't look at her scars once, his eyes focused on her hairline, and the only time he catches a glimpse of them, his face goes green and he looks like he's about to throw up.

He doesn't mention Quinn or his decision to stay on the football team (mentioned by Mike in a letter her dad's brought in) and even though his words are promising second chances, his eyes are distant and cloudy. He isn't being completely honest with her, and what makes it even worse is that it's over such a stupid little issue. She honestly doesn't care if he's still on the football team or not, she just wants him to finally be honest with her.

She calls him on it because being in a ward means that she can be a bitch sometimes and no one can lecture her about it. His face pales and he starts rambling. Old Rachel would have found it adorable and probably would have started giggling before he even managed to finish his story. New Rachel thinks he sounds like a bumbling idiot who really needs to rehearse his speech in front of the mirror more.

"Finn, that's enough. You need to leave now"

"Rachel, I know I should have told you that I didn't quit the football team but I was just scared about how you react. I'm not taking their side; I'm just trying to get a scholarship so that I can get out of Lima. I was hoping that if I worked hard enough, I could follow you anywhere. I needed to do this so that we could be together"

"That isn't going to magically fix everything. Not this time. I've grown up Finn and I've learned that you don't mean what you say. I've also learned that you never truly loved me because if you did, you wouldn't have been able to treat me the way you did. You wouldn't have made me into the other woman and you wouldn't have chosen Quinn over me. You would have made me feel like the most amazing girl in the world, not make me doubt everything about myself Finn"

"What we had was magic Rach and you know it. I know we both messed up but it's our time now. Don't turn your back on us"

"We _both_messed up? Are you serious! Are you really trying to blame this on me when all I ever did was love you? Finn... you were the first boy I ever loved but I can't be with you right now. I have to take care of myself Finn"

"I'm really, really so-"

"Don't you dare apologise. I don't want your apologies now. They don't mean anything to me", Rachel hissed, her eyes narrowing as she looked at her ex-boyfriend. "Just leave now Finn"

"Rachel..."

"Just leave"

Without another word, he stood up, kicking his chair out of the way as he turned to walk away from her. "Rachel, one day soon, you'll miss me and regret throwing me out of here. And when that day gets here, you have my number. Just call me and I'll come running back. I know that you don't believe that this time will be different and I know you don't think that I've changed but I have. I have the chance to be with Quinn but I'm not taking it. I'm standing in front of you, fighting, just like you've always wanted. I know that I should have done it sooner but I didn't realize what I had till it was gone. You almost _died _Rachel and I'm not going to let you go again without a fight".

She's finally got what she always wanted – someone who cares enough to fight for her – but it doesn't mean anything anymore. They're just doing it because she tried to kill herself, not because they really care.

* * *

She asks for Noah on a Saturday. She's been in the ward for two weeks now and everyone's made an attempt to see her (not including Quinn of course), except the one she really wants to see. Some of the others have mentioned him (Santana and Brittany mentioned him briefly on their only joint visit, and Mike mentioned him in passing as he discussed the changes in school over the last two weeks), but he hasn't even attempted to get into the ward.

Artie and Tina are sitting opposite her (her dad put his foot down and said that she couldn't turn away the glee club anymore – not realizing that they were the ones who had pushed her to this point – so they all showed up pretty regularly) when she bursts into tears. She hasn't cried in front of any of the glee kids, not even Santana, Brittany, Mike or Finn and the couple sitting in front of her look horrified.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" Tina asks, her voice wavering and her hand stretched out in an attempt to console her.

"N-n-n-Noah..."

"He's sitting outside Rachel. Do you want me to go and get him for you?" Artie offers, clearly keen on getting out of the ward and away from the crazy crying girl.

"He's outside? He hasn't been in to see me at all..."

"He's been waiting for you to ask for him. He doesn't want to crowd you – in fact, he yelled at us in Glee yesterday for not respecting you and staying away", Tina explains, her face confused.

"Artie, do you mind getting him for me? I really, really need to talk to him", she whispers, as she frantically tries to wipe away her tears (she can't cry in front of him, she just can't).

The wheelchair bound boy pulls his girlfriend onto his lap and together they roll out into the main hallway. Noah walks in a moment after them, his face emotionless. She immediately starts crying again, loud sobs practically exploding out of her body. His mask slips, just for a second and he rushes over to her and wraps her up in his arms.

"Rach, what is it?"

"None of them care about me. The only reason they're here is because I almost died and they realized just how horrible they were. None of them actually care about me, but I can't bring myself to get mad at them, because at least they're here when you aren't"

"Rachel..."

"I'm sorry Noah. I didn't think. I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. I got in so deep and I couldn't get myself out, and I didn't know what to do. Everything just hurt so much and it felt so good to just escape the pain, even if it was only for a little while, and I don't regret it. I don't regret doing what I did, but I'm sorry because I didn't think about you. I didn't think about you or Santana, or Brittany or Mike or Finn. I didn't think about what it would do to all of you, because even though none of you cared, deep down, we were family. I was selfish and I'm sorry", she whispered, her head buried into her shoulder.

"Don't be sorry because of them. Be sorry because of me. Be sorry because you're selfish and self-centred and stupid and cruel. Be sorry because you didn't think about me. Be sorry because you didn't stop for one second and realize that you dying would destroy me. You complain about no one caring about you, but I cared and you stabbed me in the back. You didn't stop to think about me or the fact that I love you so fucking much it hurts. Be sorry because of me, not because of them", he spat, his eyes flashing dangerously.

"Noah..."

"Don't. Don't Noah me. You chose to live and I've never been happier, but I'm done. Glee is here for you, and it may be too little too late, but they're here. They've realized that what they did is wrong, and they're sorry. It's no different from what you're doing to me, right now. I wasn't enough before, but suddenly, I'm enough now. Stop treating me the way they're treating you. I'm done with this Rachel", he said quietly, his eyes looking everywhere but at her.

"Noah...", she whispers back, her voice breaking in the middle of the word, but he's already walking out of the ward.

(He doesn't look back).

* * *

She's discharged three days after Noah visits her, and is officially taken off suicide watch, although she knows that both her dad and her daddy have had a long, aggressive conversation with her therapist, asking if he really thinks this is the best course of action. She hears every word they say about her ('risk to her own safety', 'dangerous', 'not ready to go back into the real world') as she stands outside the doctor's door, her ear pressed against the wood.

She should care more, but she agrees with her parents. She's not ready to go back into the real world. She's so terrified that she threw up three times when she heard the news and then searched through all the drawers in every unlocked room to find something sharp to pierce her skin. She's not ready to go back into the real world because all she can hear is Noah telling her that he's done.

She packs her bags anyway and puts on that brave face she used to wear so well because she can't let her dad's win this one. They think she's not strong enough and she _needs _to prove them wrong.

They both smile when they see her and she smiles back. It's that show smile she used to wear when she sung at competitions or in glee rehearsals, but they can't tell the difference, and it makes her wonder what else they've missed.

Her dad takes her bags and her daddy holds her hand, and they walk out to the car park together. They look so close – like a perfect family – but in reality, she's never felt more distant from them.

She just wants to go back to the way everything was before.

* * *

They get home and Mr. Schue is waiting on their front step. She doesn't know why she ever had a crush on that man – his outfits are ridiculous, his hair cut is embarrassing and he lives vicariously through a bunch of teenagers - yet she still feels like a fool around him.

"Rachel, I was talking to Principal Figgins this morning about you and your recovery after the... incident... and he's under the impression that you won't be coming back to McKinley", he blurts as soon as they're all standing opposite each other on the front step.

She opens her mouth to reply but her dad cuts over her. "In the present circumstances, we believe it's better for Rachel to get a fresh start at a new school, where she won't be known because of the... incident. We'd appreciate it if you respected that and don't try and get her to transfer back to McKinley High", her dad explains, before smiling at her softly and walking inside with her daddy, giving her a private moment with her former favourite teacher.

"Rachel, is this what you want, or what your parents are forcing you to do?" Mr. Schue asks as soon as the front door closes behind her parents.

"You keep referring to my attempted suicide as the incident. I don't understand why you can't just admit that. I was depressed so I tried to kill myself. Glee club and its members were so horrible I tried to kill myself. You were there, you know what happened, and you sat and watched as the club destroyed me", she rambles, completely ignoring his question.

He doesn't say anything but his face pales and his eyes drop to the floor.

"What I don't understand is why you hated me so much. I know the crush I had on you was embarrassing and inappropriate and I shouldn't have made it so painstakingly obvious, but I still don't understand why you hated me. Quinn Fabray tried to pass off her baby as your wife's – she helped lie to you and betray you and didn't respect you enough to ever apologise for it. She got off scot free, yet again, but you hated me for such a little thing"

"Rachel, it wasn't like that"

"No, it was exactly like that. It's because Quinn has hair the colour of gold and eyes that just see straight through you and a laugh that just sets your soul on fire, and I'm just Rachel Berry. You hated me and let them destroy me because of a stupid crush. You asked if leaving McKinley was what I wanted and it is. I can't come back because nothing will change. Glee will love me for a while, and embrace me and my talent, but eventually, the novelty will wear off and I'll be back at square one. I can't go through that again", she explains, her eyes boring into his, before turning and walking inside, slamming the door behind her.

The old Rachel Berry is dead and she's never coming back.

* * *

She starts at Carmel High a few weeks later. Her dad's insisted she started at the beginning of the new term in an attempt to blend in a little more, and she agreed in an attempt to keep the peace. She hasn't spoken to her parents properly since that night, and she misses the way they used to act around her, but she knows she'll never have the same relationship with them again. Not after what happened.

She hasn't spoken to her father's properly in months. They look at her as though they don't know her anymore, and she can hear them yelling at each other behind closed doors, both of them blaming the other for what happened. Neither of them will admit that she tried to kill herself, both of them referring to it as the incident, and she knows that she's hurting them more by not apologising. She just can't apologise to them because she doesn't mean it. The only person she actually regrets hurting is Noah, and he won't return her calls.

It's been months, but there are still scars on her arms, and she still wears long sleeve shirts to hide them. The scars on her heart are harder to hide, especially from herself, because they scream at her all the time.

She's never felt more alone before, despite the way people flock around her. She settles in at Carmel High and blends straight into the crowd (no slushies to the face) and her former Glee club members are always at her house but she feels so separate from them all.

None of them understand what she's going through.

* * *

She runs into Quinn in the shopping mall on a Saturday afternoon. She's trying to buy some new stationary for school, and Quinn's looking at the magazines that are stacked up next to the pens.

"I hear you've transferred to Carmel High. Fraternising with the enemy again, huh?"

"Quinn please, just forget about it. I'm gone from your life – you won, okay?"

"Are you really that stupid? I've lost everything. Finn won't talk to me, and Puck won't even _look _at me, and I've been kicked out of Glee club. Mike has to physically restrain _Brittany _from throwing me into a locker, and the other day, Santana put hair removal cream in my shampoo so that all my hair would fall out after cheerleading practice. I've lost everything because of you", the blonde hisses, her hand slowly dropping the magazine as she turns to face Rachel.

"Quinn, I don't know if you remember this but I tried to kill myself. You lost everything because I tried to kill myself and people finally realized how unnecessarily cruel you were"

Quinn takes one threatening step forward before a voice interrupts her.

"Put that hand down if you want to keep it", Santana hisses, and Quinn immediately drops her hand. "It's not what it looks like Santana"

"Don't waste your breath Fabray. I know exactly what you're doing and I'm not impressed. Just leave Fabray, before I change my mind and knock you down a few pegs"

Quinn leaves, Santana smirks and Rachel finds herself smiling. She knows these people care about her for all the wrong reasons, but she still appreciates it.

"I'll see you around Rach", Santana says softly, her smirk fading, and Rachel's reminded all over again of why she loved the Latina so much.

"Santana, don't read too much into this, but can I buy you a coffee to say thank you?"

* * *

Her therapist says that she needs to talk. Her dad's say that she needs to talk. She can hear the glee club in her front garden saying that she really needs to talk to someone... _anyone_.

She used to love talking about herself. She'd do it all of the time, and to anyone who would listen, and she used to hate it when she _couldn't _talk about herself.

She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She doesn't know how to put it in words.

* * *

Carmel High is different from McKinley and it's definitely in a good way. She's even approached to join Vocal Adrenaline when someone realizes that she's "the Rachel Berry with the killer pipes from New Directions" but turns them down.

She doesn't sing anymore.

She comes home from school to find most of New Directions sitting on her front porch, or lying on her grass, just staring at the sky and ignoring each other.

She ignores all of them, choosing to go straight inside and up to her room. She hears Santana's sigh behind her, and Brittany's sniffles. She hears Artie and Tina whispering to each other, and Kurt trying to comfort Mercedes, while Finn hovers awkwardly.

It's just easier if they aren't part of her life.

* * *

She sees Noah as she's leaving Carmel High on a Friday afternoon. She can see a truck that looks just like his in the corner of the parking lot, and she can see his Mohawk if she just squints and tilts her head a tiny bit to the left.

At first, she thinks that she's making it up, but when the truck suddenly starts up and drives out of the car park, she knows it's him. He's wearing that grey t-shirt she loves so much, and that's definitely his Mohawk, and that's his number plate on the truck.

She sleeps properly for the first time in a long time.

* * *

They're there all the time. All she wants is to pretend that they never existed, to pretend that they were never part of her, but they just won't move on.

Santana's there all the time, just sitting in her front garden, doing homework and listening to music. Brittany shows up before school, after school and around her dance lessons, her bubbly smile always disappearing when she realizes that she's still being ignored.

Finn's there as often as possible, and he apologises to her window for not being there enough because football training and glee club take up a lot of his time. She can see him from her ground floor window (she's been forced to move into the spare room so her dad's can check on her easily). Mike shows up with Brittany after her dance lessons and sits with her on the porch swing, trying to put the smile back on her face, while somehow glaring at Finn.

Tina shows up with Artie and sits on his lap until he has to go home. She leaves to drop him off, and then comes back to sit on the front porch for most of the evening.

The others come in rotation; Mercedes, Kurt and Matt all show up fairly regularly, more than happy to sit on the lawn or the porch with the others who are always there.

Even when she gets home from school and ignores them all, choosing to go straight inside and slam the door behind her, they stay. She's always wanted them to love her enough to stay and fight but now that it's happening, she hates it.

(She hates the way they're always there but Noah hasn't shown up once).

* * *

She hates gym at Carmel High. She managed to get out of it most of the time at McKinley High because Principal Figgins was terrified of her and let her do whatever she wanted, but the game's different at Carmel High.

She's getting changed after one lesson and the blonde girl next to her gasps in shock.

"What is that on your arm?" the blonde questions, her eyes trailing up and down the scars.

She quickly tries to grab her shirt to cover up the scars but it's too late. All of the girls within the vicinity have turned around, and most of them have seen the scars too.

"Did you try to kill yourself?" a red-head on the other side of the room asks; her eyes wide as saucers.

"Oh my god, you did", a brunette a few people away chimes in.

And from then on, she's known as the crazy girl. Again. She has to sit by herself at lunch, and people stare at her when she walks by, and everyone stays away because they think depression is contagious.

She _hates _Carmel High.

* * *

She gets the rejection letter from Julliard on a Wednesday. She had forgotten that she had even applied; too busy in her mess of a life, until that thin envelope pulls her back down to earth.

It's just too much, on top of all those other things that are constantly trying to bury her (her therapist increasing her medication dosages, stating that she isn't coping properly; her daddy sleeping on the couch for the fifth time in the last two weeks; the kids at Carmel High discovering the scars on her arms after a gym lesson and treating her like the crazy girl who tried to kill herself... the list goes on and on).

It's just too much. It's always too much. She's just so tired.

There's an old razor in the back of her bathroom cabinet, one that her dad's had somehow missed when going through her stuff. Her hands shaking, she snaps the plastic apart, relishing the sharp sound in her ears, until only the blade is left.

Slowly, she pulls off her sweater and brings the blade to her skin. It would be so easy to just end it all; to finish what she started all that time ago. It would be so much easier to just _stop trying. _

She's tempted. She's tempted to finally give in. She even makes two small cuts, wincing at the familiar pain that she's missed over the last few months. She goes to make a third cut but then she hears crying in the garden. Quickly dropping the blade on the floor, she makes her way to her bedroom window and presses her ear against the glass. She can hear Brittany crying and Mike attempting to calm her down, and it breaks her heart.

"It's going to be okay Britt... Rachel's alive, and even if she doesn't want to see us, that's okay because she's alive", Mike soothes the crying blonde.

"What if she never wants to see us again?" the blonde stammers through her tears. "We lost her once Mike, I don't wanna lose her again"

They're fighting. They haven't gone home and crawled under the covers so that they can hide from the world. They haven't stopped visiting or singing or living. They're fighting. They're fighting for _her. _

If they're fighting, she can fight too.

(She throws the blade in the bin).

* * *

For her eighteenth birthday, they throw her a surprise party. Brittany made a cake, and Santana blew up balloons, and Tina helped Mike choreograph a dance. There's sausage rolls and little pies, and lots and lots of soft drink.

Her daddy cries when he sees the effort they've gone too, and her dad orders her to make an appearance. They even bring Kurt into the house and ask him to help her get ready. It's awkward around Kurt; something about him is different and she can't quite put her finger on it.

It may be the way his fingers quickly braid her hair, something she's sure he learnt from Quinn, or the way his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. As he's spreading blush over her cheeks, she finally works up enough courage to ask him what's wrong.

"After everything that happened, I had to take some time to think about my part in the events. I didn't realize at the time that what I was doing was wrong. I didn't realize just how stupid I was. I know now that what I did was wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how I can even attempt to make it up to you. No matter what I do, I'm still going to be that boy who burnt your clothes and helped Quinn Fabray destroy you. The rest of them are all being unrealistic – they think that if they sit in your front garden for hours on end, everything will be back to the way it was before. They don't realize that they're just making it worse, for you and for themselves. They don't realize that they're clinging onto something – someone – that doesn't exist anymore. I just can't be a part of that".

She doesn't say anything as Kurt finishes up her make-up or picks out her dress. She doesn't say anything as he quickly touches up her hair, or smiles a sad little smile before turning to walk out of the door.

"I think you're right Kurt. I think we're holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore"

(And the only reason she believes him is because she doesn't _feel _anything. She doesn't feel regret, or disappointment, or sadness. She doesn't feel grief, or betrayal. She doesn't feel hatred. She doesn't feel anything for the people in her garden – not anymore. Her heart died that night).

* * *

She goes to the party. Kurt waves from the other side of the back garden, that same wave he gave her when they saw Finn walk away with Quinn all that time ago. She watches Tina show off her engagement ring, and Artie tell the story of how he proposed the day before her eighteenth (she's really behind on all of Glee's gossip) and she's happy for them – she really is.

She watches Brittany and Mike dancing; that same effortless dancing they did when they were nine years old; the same kind of dancing that infects your soul. She watches Santana watching the blonde, and she instinctively knows that those two will end up together, one day. They'll grow up separately and then reunite because they're soul mates and everyone knows it.

She sees Finn talking to Matt. Matt's talking, his whole face lit up, and she's never seen him so _alive_. Finn's laughing, his eyes crinkled in the corners. He's heart wrenchingly beautiful.

Mercedes has a blue dress on, and a red cup in her hand, and she's never looked so amazing before. Her hair is curly, and her smile is wide, and she looks like a million dollars. She's talking to Mr. Schue, and he's looking at her in awe, like he never really noticed Mercedes or her talent before. He probably didn't, considering the fact that she had always stolen the spotlight away from Mercedes.

Her dads are standing side by side and they're laughing at some inside joke no one else would understand. It's a relief to see them laughing and joking, considering the fact that they've been sleeping in separate beds and ignoring each other at the dinner table.

The only one who's not there is Noah, and that tears a hole in her heart. She can't live for these people, the ones crowded around her celebrating. They turned their backs on her too many times and she doesn't feel anything for them. She feels something for _him_ and only him. Everything else is just emotionless and blank. He's the colour in her colourless life, and he's not even there anymore.

He has this way of making her accept the parts of herself that she hates and he has this laugh that sets her soul on fire and this smirk that makes her fall in love.

She could do it for him. She loves him in a way she's never loved anyone else, a way that's persistent, and keeps fighting to be acknowledged, no matter how hard she pushes it down. And he loves her too, in a way that no one else has loved her before. He loves her enough to call her out on her actions; loves her enough to stop fighting because she just can't do it anymore... loves her enough to be truthful.

He's her soul-mate. She's sure of it. He's the Santana to her Brittany; the Artie to her Tina; the Logan to her Veronica; the Ron to her Hermione; the Damon to her Elena.

He's her soul-mate and she can't do it without him.

* * *

She plays the role of hostess to perfection, her smile big enough for everyone to see. She wonders if anyone knows it's her show smile, and comes to the conclusion that they don't.

She talks to Mr. Schue first.

"Rachel, you're looking beautiful as always", he smiles as she stops next to him. A comment like that would have made her giggle like a school-girl last year, but now she feels sick.

"Thank you Mr. Schue. I just wanted to talk to you about Glee club, if you have a second to spare", she asks politely, biting back a laugh at the way he starts nodding before she even finishes her sentence.

"Are you thinking of coming back Rachel? You know that we always have a place for you", he says, his smile growing larger and his eyes lighting up.

"I was just wondering how Glee club is operating these days"

"Well, Mercedes is singing a majority of the female leads, although Santana has had quite a large share. Tina has taken over your part in a number of songs from musicals, and Brittany's been pretty keen to choreograph all our routines, with the help of Mike. Puck and Artie are doing all of Finn's parts at the moment, and for now, the system is working very well. We'd love to have you back Rachel"

"I'll think about it and get back to you", she lies. "I'll see you later Mr. Schue, I have a couple of other people I want to talk to"

* * *

She congratulates Tina and Artie on their engagement. She tells Tina that she'll make a beautiful bride, and tells Artie that he better take care of her or he'll have her to answer to.

She tells Mercedes that she looks amazing, and that there's a boy out there who will love every little part of her. She also mentions that she has a beautiful voice, and that there's no way she won't become famous with a voice like that.

(She doesn't talk to Kurt; just smiles sadly as she walks past him).

She listens to Matt and Finn talk about video games, and she lets Finn hold her hand because it makes him feel better. Matt asks if he can teach her how to play PlayStation and she agrees because he has this hopeful look in his eyes that she doesn't want to destroy. Hope is a precious thing.

She dances with Brittany and Mike, and hugs them both. She tells Mike to look after Brittany until Santana steps up to fulfil her role, and whispers to Brittany that she loves her. She wipes away the blonde's tears, and waits until she's smiling again before making her way to Santana.

* * *

Santana knows something is wrong. Her eyebrows furrow, and her eyes darken in the way they always used to when she's trying to solve something.

"Look Rachel, I know something is wrong. And I know you don't want to tell me, because I'm not Puck, and I'm okay with that. I get that you love him and I know he's breaking your heart because your smile fades when I mention his name. I just want us to be friends Rachel because I can't keep sitting on your grass doing my homework knowing that your inside alone. I can't go on with my life knowing that you aren't going on with yours. You need someone in your life; you need to let someone back into your heart, and I don't care if I'm not that person. Just promise me that you'll let someone back in"

Before, that speech would have brought her to tears. She would have kissed the Latina and promised her the world. Now, it means nothing.

"I promise Santana", she whispers, before flashing her show smile at her ex-girlfriend. When Santana's eyes drop to her scars, and her face pales slightly, she feels like she's going to throw up. She quickly waves goodbye and makes her way into the house.

(She doesn't see Santana pull out her phone. She doesn't hear Santana call Puck and order him "to get his ass to the party immediately because shit's about to happen").

* * *

The house is quiet. She can see the party going on outside, and she knows she doesn't have long. Someone will come looking for her soon enough.

She kicks her shoes off, one flying onto the bed, and one hitting the far wall. The bathroom floor is cold against her bare feet.

There's a bottle of prescription medication in her room. It's not perfect but it will have to do. There's no time for perfection; not this time. There's no time for notes (Dad, Daddy, Santana, Brittany, Finn, Mike, Matt, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Kurt, Mr. Schue... _Noah)_; there might not even be enough time to make sure that this works.

(She pushes a chair under the door handle as an extra precaution).

She doesn't know how this will work. It's not what she's used to. She hopes she just has to close her eyes and everything will be over – she hopes it will be like going to sleep.

She just wants to go to sleep.

* * *

There's screaming somewhere in the distance, and a rattling and banging sound too. That must be someone trying to get through the door. She wonders who's yelling - wonders who was the one to see through her words and see the truth hidden there: her final goodbye.

She stops wondering when a light floats in front of her eyes. In the light is everyone she ever loved... Noah's holding flowers, and Santana and Brittany are holding hands. Tina's in a wedding dress and she's sitting on Artie's knee, both of them beaming. Mike and Matt are standing side-by-side and both of them are smiling. Finn's standing next to Kurt and Mercedes, who have their arms wrapped around each other, and they look so happy. Shelby's holding Beth and Jesse's standing next to them, wearing his natural, beautiful smile – he looks like a star. Her dad and daddy are holding hands and both of them are crying but smiling at the same time.

It's clear now that she has a choice.

_Life or death. _

_

* * *

_

**A/N: And that's the end. **


	17. AN

**Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story. Every single comment has managed to put a smile on my face, and I've met some great people while writing this. **

**A lot of the reviews for the last chapter asked me about an epilogue or a sequel. Unfortunately, I have no plans for a sequel/epilogue at the moment. **

**I wanted each of you to be able to make up your own minds about what happened next because you all wanted different things from the ending. With a story like this, I believe its better not to give a permanent answer, so as not to destroy hope.**

**However, I do have my own version of what happened after the last chapter, and if you really do want to know, feel free to PM me. **

**Thanks for all the support, comments, alerts and favourites. **

**Love, beyond-the-twilight**

**8th of March 2011 - I've made it through the mass of PMs regarding the ending. If you haven't heard back from me, I'm not ignoring you. Your account has PM's disabled. Please feel free to PM me again when you've enabled PM to your account.**


	18. What happened next

Hi, I'm Georgia, aka beyond-the-twilight.

If you're reading this, you have clearly made it to the end of close the book, take my soul and are wondering what I believed happened next. I don't have a written epilogue, just an idea in my mind that I've been sharing with the people that asked. Due to the large amount of people messaging me for the ending (I'm still receiving messages about it when the last stuff posted was in March, 2011) that I've decided to just post it for everyone to read if they wish. If you don't want to read about what I believe happened next, please feel free to stop reading now. If you do want to know, please continue

My ending was that Puck and Santana were the ones banging at the door. I believe Puck answered Santana's phone call and showed up within half an hour, and as soon as he got there, they went into the house together. Santana knew something was wrong, especially after her conversation with Rachel, and when they found the door locked, both of them knew something terrible was going to happen.

I believe Puck managed to break down the door, and Rachel looked like she was just sleeping. She looked peaceful and happy, and at first, they thought she was just sleeping, until she wouldn't wake up. By the time they managed to get Rachel to the hospital, the drugs had already taken effect and the doctors couldn't revive her.

I also believe that Puck was the one to struggle the most because he didn't get a proper goodbye, not like the others, and I also believe that her death made the club more protective of each other, but not necessarily closer because the grief and betrayal runs too deeply.

Well, that's it. If you have any questions you want to ask me, please feel free to message me. I haven't been all that good at replying in the past but one of my resolutions was to reply to everyone from this point in, so you can expect a reply. Thank you so much for embarking on this journey with me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Georgia

-beyond-the-twilight-


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